January 1 New Year's Day
Happy New Year!!! Happy New Year!!! Happy New Year!!! Shut Up!
Monday 2
Count how many times people say your name today, write it down and mail it to them.
Tuesday 3
All day pretend that you're an android and you crave electricity.
Wednesday 4
Ride a horse to work today. If you don't have a horse, go to the mounted police station and use one of theirs. Tell 'em it's for the environment as if it's any of their business. They like that. Wear spurs for effect.
Thursday 5
The arteries of the blue whale are so big that a leopard could crawl through them.
Friday 6
Shouldn't the Psychic Friends be the ones to call you?
Saturday 7
The key to effective time management is delegation. Lesser tasks should be performed by children, primates, and locusts.
Sunday 8
Listen...can you hear them? Monsters in space, screaming for vengeance? Can you?
Monday 9
Stay clear of the deer tick for it knows not the disease that it carries.
Tuesday 10
Molecules sure are small.
Wednesday 11
Construct a model of a big city. Go out and buy some snakeskin boots. Put them on. Crash the city with your boots. You are Snakeman, ruler of the Earth.
Thursday 12
Paint yourself up like a clown. It's funny.
Friday 13
A Banshee cries and a Mantis prays. What are you going to do about it?
Saturday 14
Are people still wowing over the three tenors? Enough is enough.
Sunday 15
Prove to the world that everything is your business.
Monday 16 Martin Luther King Day
When speaking to the Department of Motor Vehicles remember that even a goldfish has a brain.
Tuesday 17
Hey - I'm only superhuman.
Wednesday 18
Rome wasn't built in a day.
Thursday 19
On the Ghost Planet (and this is between you and me) putting bread into the toaster and then going to watch TV or walk the cat or something and forgetting until you smell the smoke is a felony.
Friday 20
Try to tie your pinkie to your thumb. You're not really trying. Try harder.
Saturday 21
When speaking, use a strong, choppy monotone voice. Strategically pop certain syllables to add emphasis where needed.
Sunday 22
Very bad things will happen to you today.
Monday 23
Once I saw a hundred fish in a pond and I said "Look, there are a hundred fish."
Tuesday 24
If all those hypothetical monkeys in the room with all those hypothetical typewriters who are supposed to eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare got it right except for 'Hamlet' being named 'Hambone'would they let the monkeys stop or would they have to keep writing?
Wednesday 25
Get your bones tatooed on your body.
Thursday 26
When the going gets tough,
simply put on swim fins and flap around the office like a monkey.
Friday 27
Pledge your love to your desk calendar. It needs to be told sometimes.
Saturday 28
Most fast food is made to sit in your gut like lead.
Sunday 29
Your job today is to find a trombone and unroll it. Unroll it completely until it's just one long brass tube. Hold it across the sidewalk and let busy commuters limbo. Brightens their day.
Monday 30
If Energy equals Mass times the Speed of Light squared, then what am I?
Tuesday 31
Learn and use the colloquialisms of cultures you frequent. This will earn your instant acceptance.