1/1/10

      ANSWERS, THOUGHT-PROVOKING
I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, um, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future.
--Miss South Carolina Teen Lauren Caitlin Upton, after being asked why a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S on a world map

      And my new year's resolution is ...

"To give up resolutions. And I recommend that you, too, shun this arbitrary ritual – it inevitably leads to failure and depression.
"As Mark Twain wrote in 1863: 'Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.'"

1/2

      GREAT MOMENTS IN COURTROOM TESTIMONY
Attorney: What do you do for a living?
Witness: I help my brother.
Attorney: What does your brother do?
Witness: Nothing.
--actual courtroom testimony

1/3

      FOR SOME REASON, THEY NOW HAVE PROBLEMS GETTING DATES
JAPANESE SCIENTISTS GROW FROG EYES AND EARS
--actual newspaper headline

      Snow day in the Young household!

      My gourd, where'd that giant snowbank come from?! Oh, wait--that's Killsy. And if you're thinking, "Wow! DJ's getting big!"--

      --you'd be right!

      (There's some forced perspective due to the camera angle; he really isn't the size of a freakin' jaguar)

      Ireland, land of (half of my) forebears, proves itself crazy again, and passes a draconianly ludicrous blasphemy law. Yeah, Eire, party like it's 1599!
      Of course, an Irish not-insane site has published 25 blasphemous quotes to test the potato-headed law. It contains the usual subjects (Hitchens and Dawkins, Carlin and Zappa), one "where'd that come from?" contender (Bjork dissing Bhuddism), and a few "Wait, WHO?!"s (the Pope, Muhammed, and Jeez, taking a break from appearing in people's food). Some of the later ones are kinda funny.

1/4

      BOOKS, USEFUL
• Beyond Leaf Raking
• Guide to Eskimo Rolling
• Hand-Grenade Throwing as a College Sport
--actual book titles

      I found an online coupon for a free Taco Bell "Fresca" taco from their "Drive-Thru Diet" menu. So it's a taco in a cup of bad diet soda? Eww! No, just a taco. I haven't had Taco Smell for maybe 7 or 8 years and I semi-craved it, so what the hey.
      The cashier seemed utterly baffled by my order, "a chicken Fresca taco and 2 regular beef crispy tacos," and it came in 2 seperate waves, also 2 bags. I got home and realized that they hadn't given me any sauce (not that I asked for any; they used to ask you) and (WARNING, INCOMING HILARIOUS PUN, SEEK SHELTER) it was more like a Fiasco taco, ha ha! (THE ALL-CLEAR HAS SOUNDED; IT IS SAFE TO LEAVE THE PUN SHELTERS) It was such a sloppy mess that I should've just asked them to dump the ingredients in my lap. And unless Taco Bell's chicken is dark brown (and it could be), I didn't get chicken. I think I got steak, and I think that their definition of "steak" is "Hey, what's left over on the slaughterhouse floor? You guys using that?" The regular tacos weren't that much less messy. This morning I wondered "What exactly is 'processed food'? Fast food, right? And you're not supposed to eat that." I've decided "processed food" is what your stomach tells you 2 hours after eating it, "Could you not do that again?" Well, it cured me of my Taco Bell craving. Permanently.

1/5

      EMPLOYEES, DREAM
Reason for leaving last job:

• The responsibility made me nervous.
• They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.
• Maturity leave.

--from actual job applications

1/6

      SCIENTOLOGISTS, CLEAR WORDS ABOUT, YA KNOW?
We know . . . we just know . . . I don’t know, but we just know . . . ya know, it’s just it . . . we see things . . . whatever, we’re here to help . . .
--actor Tom Cruise

      STYLIN'!
      She's wearing a Malificent pin, but other than that, she was Nightmare Before Christmas themed: shirt, scarf, purse. I noticed that immediately upon meeting her, but didn't catch the black hair dye.
      We meant to check out a stone carving store we ran across at the Ren Fest last year, but they were open Thurs-Sun, so we ended it there. We both filled up our cars on gas at a station by the Crack Bar that has "WaCkY! Wednesdays 6 CENTS OFF!!" (that's how it was spelled), so it was about as cheap as you can get in overpriced southern New England, and went our seperate ways. I did find a use for the baby blanket she gave me, as a Victorian-era chair doily:

      The towel on the chair's seat is there because Byron likes to sleep there, and thus likes to barf there.

      The 2009 Darwin Awards. These are never really funny, due to the people actually dying, but they are an object lesson in "don't be willfully stupid."

      Not so much "funny" as "clever," Cracked on Video Game Zoology: How 5 8-Bit Characters Would Really Look.

1/7

      AND WE THINK WE DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS ANSWER
Family Feud host Richard Dawson: Name something parents teach their children to use.
Contestant: I think the teacher might use their underwear.

      After all those years of "Cell phones cause TEH BRAINS CANCER!" guess what: Cell Phone Exposure May Protect Against and Reverse Alzheimer's Disease.

1/8

      SLOGANS WALT DISNEY WOULDN’T LIKE
• MINNIE MOUSE?WHEN MINNIET’S KEPPY, WITH THIS HEAT HER GUGGIE A THELS SWALY
• MICKEY MOUSE?DO AGAINST THE EURO, YEN AGAINST THE MICKEY
• MICKDY MOUSE
--slogans on children’s clothing, China

1/9

      THEY NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN START IMMEDIATELY
THE AMERICAN COPY EDITING SOCIETY: Looking for a conservative who ca work to achievie consensus with a diverse editorial board.
--job listing on the website of the American Copy Editing Society

      The must-see movie of late 2010: Jackboots on Whitehall. No trailer yet, but it looks NUTS.

1/10

      WOULDN’T ROPE BE EASIER?
A familiar question was reopened "how the Sunday School children are to be attached to the Church" and once more the use of adhesive stamps was recommended.
--in a New Zealand church bulletin

1/11

      WE HEAR IT’S GREAT FOR THE HANDS, TOO!
CHICKEN POOP LIP BALM $3.99
--sign in a Walgreen’s window, Indianapolis (thanks to Craig Downey)

      SHAWT(wenty years ago): I don't believe I have ever related the story of the only time in my retail career that I got revenge on an asshole customer.
      I was working at Sam Goody, a record store. 3 weeks after Christmas, I was asked by a man about 40, "Do you have that new song they play on WTIC? It's a dance song, something about love?" That was 100% of his information--he shrugged when I asked him for a song title or artist name. I was the classic rock/classical music/electronica guy, not the top 40 person, so I smiled and said "I don't listen to that station. Let me get Emma, she'd kn--" And he was instantly yelling at me, "You work in a RECORD STORE! You don't know?! This is ridiculous! What are you, STUPID?!"
      No, I'm not. I don't listen to every fucking possible radio station and MEMORIZE songs. I know a particular subset of music; that's why everyone comes to me about the things I know. Have you asked your insurance agent or mailman if they know the song? You're the guy who's heard it enough to want to buy it. If I'm stupid for not knowing, what does that make you?
      Emma got some more details from him--how it went, lyrics--and found his $1.99 cassingle. After paying, he purposely sought me out, as he wasn't done with me yet. In front of everyone, he began snarling again, ending with "If you worked for ME, I'd have you FIRED!" This after I had his question answered within a minute of him asking.
      As I've said before, if you act like an asshole to a retail person, all you become is today's asshole du jour. He became the pissed-off talk of the store, and Emma hated him the most. Because...he was one of us. His nametag said that he was the Manager of the Men's Department at G. Fox, the clothing store down the other end of the Buckland Mall. A fellow retail slave abusing another retail slave over nothing? Unthinkable!
      The thing retail employees always think when you scream "I'll get you FIRED!" is "And where do you work, so I can do the same to you?" Well, I did know where he worked. What he didn't know is that my parents had given me $300 of clothes from G. Fox for Xmas, with the tags attached, "in case you don't like them." In those days, Fox's policy was that if you had no receipt, but the tags were on, they'd send you a check 3 weeks later for the value. I abruptly decided, "I don't like any of these clothes." I brought them to Fox's men's department the next day, and guess who was working. His eyes opened wide in horror as I piled 3 Franklin's worth of returns on the counter, and didn't want to buy anything, just mail the check, please. I smiled and nodded at him. He was surely thinking "There goes my sales goal for the week--or the month!"
      I almost asked the guy doing the return, "Hey, do you have that shirt? It's by that designer? It has buttons?" But I realized that the manager was such a fucking asshole that he might take it out on another retail slave, so when I left I just said "THANK YOU!" as cheerfully and loudly as I could.
      Revenge is a dish best served clothed.

      Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince almost seemed like someone took a 700-page book and pared it down into a 2 1/2 hour movie. "Scene [gap] Scene [gap] Scene..."

      From 2002, Life On the Net in 2004. Ha ha! They were wrong! No, it was really a satire based on the legislation phone companies were desperate to pass back then. On the other hand, one of the oldest tropes of the internet has come to "life": Roxxxy the robotic girlfriend, with all the appropriate holes. "The anatomically-correct robot has an articulated skeleton that can move like a person but cannot walk or independently move its limbs." WOW, nothing's sexier than a parapalegic! She also looks like she's passed out, a plus for all you frat boys who didn't get the sorority sisters to chug enough Keystone Light. "She knows exactly what you like," Mr Hines said of Roxxxy, noting that Rocky will also come with personalities. "If you like Porsches, she likes Porsches. If you like soccer, she likes soccer." If you like having no friends and fucking plastic vaginas, she likes you having no friends.
      What, not creepy enough for ya?

Inspiration for the sex robot sprang from the September 11, 2001 attacks, when planes crashed into the World Trade Centre in New York City, the Pentagon and an empty field in Pennsylvania.
"I had a friend who passed away in 9/11," Mr Hines said.
"I promised myself I would create a program to store his personality, and that became the foundation for Roxxxy True Companion."

1/12

      BRAIN SYNAPSES, NOT MOVING TOO WELL
Tech support: How fast does your modem go?
Customer: It’s not moving. It’s just sitting there.
--call to a computer helpline

1/14

      SPORTS REPORTERS, TOO BALLSY
Smith isn’t the only one who is happy after a thorough ball-buffing. Frank Gore had some fumbling problems early in the year. But Gore doesn’t seem to have any trouble holding onto Smith’s balls. The Broncos, who come from the capital of ball-doctoring, may want to keep Jay Cutler’s balls in a humidor so the rookie’s passes don’t sail on him. But the Broncos backs and receivers may have trouble grasping soggy balls.
--article on Fox Sports NFL (thanks to Luis Yanez)

      YOU SHOULD SEE THE WINE BILL!

Buy Two Dinner Entrees & get $500 OFF!
With Coupon Only. Only one coupon per customer.
--coupon for a restaurant

            "In Soviet Russia, ceramic cat nuzzles CAT! And Thanos pokes CAT! And this is why Yakoff Smirnoff doesn't get GIGS anymore!"

      Pictures taken 5 seconds apart:
      When it comes to catnip, DJ is still an eater...

            ...AND a roller.

            I HAZ A BOX

            ...AND A BATHS.

            "Oh, deah! Such a display of passion! I must retire to mah fainting couch, which is this floor that hasn't been vacuumed since the Clinton administration! Oh, sigh!"

      A post on Way of Cats titled Why Do Cats Hide Things? made me remember a story once told here, but over a period of months. Here's the synopsis:

      At my job, we got a locking cash box that had only 2 keys. We had 3 managers, so the idea was that we would swap the 2nd key between whoever closed that night to the next day’s closer. I was first up, and I didn’t put it on my keychain, as I was only going to give it to someone else the next day. But Kitten Byron had other ideas!
      It was gone the next day. I crawled all over the floor, looking everywhere and groping under furniture trying to find it. I finally gave up. I had to go to work (and explain why I had no key). I’d find it when I got home. It turned out to be no big deal; we had a spare, and also discovered that our $50 cash box could be opened with a freakin’ bent paperclip.
      I didn’t find the key when I got home that night, despite the most thorough search ever. I joked that I might find it in a day or 2 in the litterbox. But I didn’t. I kept looking for weeks, and it never reappeared.
      I did finally find it. Just lying on the floor, out in the open. After SIX MONTHS. Byron had hidden it somewhere, kept it there, then brought it out. And a good thing, as the cheap first key had broken in half since then, and so Byron’s key replaced its replacement–which, yeah, was a bent paper clip!

1/15

      INSTRUCTIONS, DIFFICULT TO FOLLOW
Be sure to wear your long-sleeved shirts and long-sleeved pants.
--newscaster David Robichaud, WBZ News (Boston), reporting on the scheduled spraying for mosquitoes (thanks to James D. Stranieri)

1/16

      IMAGERY, IMPOSSIBLE
They are staring down the barrel of a wooden spoon.
--rugby player Will Greenwood

1/17

      PERMANENCE, IMPERMANENT
These measures are permanent . . . for now.
--head of the Canadian Air Transport Security Authority Jacques Duchesneau, about airport security measures (thanks to Wendy Mooney)

      Many years ago, for lack of anything better to do, I channel surfed late at night. I came across...something. It was 4 heavily made-up floating heads lip-synching and mugging to some song. I was instantly transfixed--is this supposed to be funny? Because it isn't. Is it supposed to be weird? Because it isn't the good, creatively interesting kind of weird. Then it ended, and the screen cut to a guy at a desk. Oh, it's that Chevy Chase talk show! I thought. I hate this guy! The audience was deathly silent. Like me, they had no idea what they'd just watched was supposed to be. Chevy stuttered a nervous laugh, his brow glistening with perspiration. Wow, I thought, this is what flop sweat looks like! I thought that I should watch at least one of these shows, starring the least entertaining entertainer ever. Not now, of course. Later. But in a week, the show was gone.
      I haven't been following the to-do over Leno and O'Brian, although one gleams news about it against one's will. There's an interesting, if long, lesson about how late night history from 50 years ago is repeating itself. It focuses somewhat on Allen and Paar, but mainly on what's considered the worst talk show in TV history, The Jerry Lewis Show, AKA "the showbiz equivalent of being on The Hindenburg."

      1/18

      FANS, KNOWLEDGEABLE
I am a really big Elvis fan and I think the real reason why we did the whole Elvis thing is because, you know, he’s from Vegas.
--pop star Britney Spears, speaking to the Boston Herald about the Elvis jumpsuit in her promotions for her Las Vegas HBO special

Edwards was indeed obsessed with hell and the devil, who lived inside the natives he ministered to. And he put the fire into "fire and brimstone" preaching. Indeed, he put the brimstone in, too. King of this genre, Edwards loved elaborate descriptions of torture, detailing grimly how God would dole out punishment.

God "abhors" you; like "a spider or some loathsome insect" he holds you "over the fire." God's "fiery floods" and "inconceivable fury" bind you to that "world of misery, that lake of burning brimstone." Unless you convert, "the dreadful pit of the glowing flames" and "hell's wide gaping mouth" await you. Only the elect could convert - the rest were doomed regardless.
Edwards was indeed obsessed with hell and the devil, who lived inside the natives he ministered to. And he put the fire into "fire and brimstone" preaching. Indeed, he put the brimstone in, too. King of this genre, Edwards loved elaborate descriptions of torture, detailing grimly how God would dole out punishment.
God "abhors" you; like "a spider or some loathsome insect" he holds you "over the fire." God's "fiery floods" and "inconceivable fury" bind you to that "world of misery, that lake of burning brimstone." Unless you convert, "the dreadful pit of the glowing flames" and "hell's wide gaping mouth" await you. Only the elect could convert - the rest were doomed regardless.

      I went to South Windsor CT's Timothy Edwards Middle School, named after the town's founder. He was the father of Jonathon Edwards. There was even a commemorative plaque to Timmeh in the local Dairy Queen.
      In the late 1960s, I went to CCD, the Catholic version of bible school, and my mom taught an early 70s version of it for preteens. A liberal version, as she was against the Viet Nam War and a very pro-civil rights Johnson Democrat. But I was raised a devout Irish Catholic, one who was put on Earth to help everyone, not just my sect of my religion. Of course, being Irish, I was going to Hell for anything "bad" that I did. That's just how it works.
      At Timothy Edwards, we read that "spider" sermon. I was stunned. CCD told me that "God loves you, He wants to love you, and all you have to do is accept Him into your heart, and He will love you!' But Jonathon depicted God as a ruthless sadist, looking for the slightest excuse to toss me into the eternal fires, just as He would the lowliest, most inoffensive of spiders. His God was a psychopath.
      I was confused! Which one was right? The newer one, because it was more refined, or the older one, because it was that much closer in age to the Bible? At Mass, they always spoke of the Loving God. So I accepted that.
      Or thought that I did. It ate at me. Eventually I decided to just read the Bible from front to back. If I'd started with the New Testament, maybe my results would've varied. I really wanted to believe not just in a loving, forgiving God, but a consistent one. But it contradicted itself nonstop to what I'd been told, to the point where I couldn't ignore it. Eventually I hit Leviticus, the 2 or 3 hundred Commandments God forgot to give Moses the first time. I go to Hell if I...eat a grape that's fallen on the ground?! That's the strictest interpretation of the 5 Second Rule ever! If I cut my hair or shave, I go to Hell, even though that's how every Christian priest or preacher looks?
      "Nothing will turn you into an atheist faster than reading the Bible" - Penn Jillette.
      Thank you, South Windsor school system, to making me read a sermon that eventually lifted the scales from my eyes! As I like to say, "I was born Catholic. But I got better."

1/19

      ITALIAN GOVERNMENT BIOGRAPHIES, STRANGE
GIANNI LETTA: E be for many years Head of the Office Press of the National Federation of the Knights of the Job and subsequently Head of the Office Studies and Documentation of the Agency Palace of the Civilisation of the Job.
--from the official ministers’ biographies on the Italian government’s English language site (later removed when the press discovered the numerous glaring errors)

1/20

      TOP-TALKING
I’m not as top as I’d like to be, but I’m topper than the others.
--boxer Wladimir Klitschko

Last Updated 14629 days 20 hrs 53 mins ago.

Launched: Dec-31-1969

Website Worth: $ 47 USD (€ 32 EUR)

Daily Ads Revenue: $ 0.11 USD (€ 0.07 EUR)

Servers Cost: Between $3/mo and $10/mo

What does 13 unique visitors per day mean to you?
1. They can fit in 53 sq ft. room.
2. Their weight of feces is 33 pounds per day (11,814 pounds/year).
3. They are waiting in a long line. The line distance is 0.01 miles.
4. They need to drink 7 gallons per day.

      Feel free to put your url in, and learn how much your readers shit!

1/21

      YES, HELLO?
I will conduct a respectful debate. Now, it will be dispirited; it will be spirited; because there are stark differences. I am a proud conservative, liberal Republi--conservative Republican? Hello? Easy there.
--Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona), while campaigning for president in 2008

1/22

      UNREQUITED LOVE SONGS, RIDICULOUS
• “I Got In at 2 With a 10 and Woke Up at 10 With a 2”
• “At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self-Service Pump”
• “If Love Were Oil, I’d Be a Quart Low"
--actual country song titles

Berik, a language of New Guinea, also requires words to encode information that no English speaker considers. Verbs have endings, often obligatory, that tell what time of day something happened; telbener means “[he] drinks in the evening”. Where verbs take objects, an ending will tell their size: kitobana means “gives three large objects to a man in the sunlight.” Some verb-endings even say where the action of the verb takes place relative to the speaker: gwerantena means “to place a large object in a low place nearby”. Chindali, a Bantu language, has a similar feature. One cannot say simply that something happened; the verb ending shows whether it happened just now, earlier today, yesterday or before yesterday. The future tense works in the same way.
...
Whorfianism has been criticised for years, but it has been making a comeback. Lera Boroditsky of Stanford University, for example, points to the Kuuk Thaayorre, aboriginals of northern Australia who have no words for “left” or “right”, using instead absolute directions such as “north” and “south-east” (as in “You have an ant on your south-west leg”). Ms Boroditsky says that any Kuuk Thaayorre child knows which way is south-east at any given time, whereas a roomful of Stanford professors, if asked to point south-east quickly, do little better than chance. The standard Kuuk Thayoorre greeting is “where are you going?”, with an answer being something like “north-north-east, in the middle distance.” Not knowing which direction is which, Ms Boroditsky notes, a Westerner could not get past “hello”. Universalists retort that such neo-Whorfians are finding trivial surface features of language: the claim that language truly constricts thinking is still not proven.

1/23

      LET'S HIT HER WITH A PIE!
The man for me is now the cherry on the pie, but I'm the pie and my pie is good all by itself, even if I don't have a cherry.
--actress Halle Berry

I like big feets and I can not lie!
You other brothers can't deny
That when a cat walks in with a Jay Leno chin
And catcher's mitts in your face
Something something something!
WORD!

1/24

      GEE, THANKS
FREE ADVICE:
BUNDLE UP WHEN OUT IN THE COLD
--headline in the Lexington (Kentucky) Herald-Leader

      OUCH! That was bad! King Kong's eps at least get points for having a macrocephalic evil scientist--he looks like he weighs 90 pounds, 75 of which is skull--named "Doctor Who." Apparently, the regeneration went badly.

1/25

      GUESSES, NOT SO HOT
Call-in host: What is the capital of Cuba?
Contestant: Umm . . .
Host: Take your time.
Contestant: Umm . . .
Host: Go on, have a guess.
Contestant: Is it Belgium?
Host: Err . . . not quite.
--Sun FM radio show, Sunderland (UK)

You are the Tenth Doctor (David Tennant)
Your sharp, irreverent humour both amuses and exasperates people. You’ve got a roving eye and keen mind – you’re definitely going places…

1/26

      GET THE TALCUM POWDER!
Watch out! The road is very sweaty.
--English subtitle in a Hong Kong film

1/27

      INSURANCE CLAIMANTS, UNUSUAL
The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.
--written on an insurance claim form

1/28

      MAGAZINE CORRECTIONS, UDDERLY SURREALISTIC
Several readers complain that the dancing cow illustrating Feedback, 20 January, appears to have six teats. It was of course drawn as seen by an intoxicated fellow dancer.
--correction in NewScientist magazine

1/29

      APPETIZERS, STRANGE
• Mulliffatwony Soop
• Coleslow
• Cheese Toss
--menu items at various Asian restaurants (thanks to Neil John Smith)

      "The results draw connections between the evolution of human language and biological organisms. Just as very distantly related organisms converge on evolutionary strategies in particular niches, languages may adapt to the social environments in which they are learned and used.
"English, for all its confusing spelling and exceptions -- if a baker bakes, what does a grocer do? -- has a relatively simple grammar," Lupyan said. "Verbs are easy to conjugate and nouns are mostly pluralized by adding 's.' In comparison, a West African language like Hausa has dozens of ways to make nouns plural and in many languages -- Turkish, Aymara, Ladakhi, Ainu -- verbs like 'to know' have to include information about the origin of the speaker's knowledge. This information is often conveyed using complex rules, which the most widely-spoken languages on earth like English and Mandarin lack."

1/30

      IT’S A BIRD, IT’S A PLANE, IT’S SUPERMEDIATOR!
And for you folks in Seattle, that fiery object in the sky last night was a mediator.
--radio broadcaster Paul Harvey, who corrected himself and identified the object as a “meteor” (thanks to Dave Boudreaux)

1/31

      BUT PRESIDENT DO NOT
As yesterday’s positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured.
--President George W. Bush, on the No Child Left Behind Act

      II suppose that I say this every year right about exactly now, but no matter how much the refund is, the hour it takes to do your taxes is as fun as a barrel of monkeys! A non-metaphoric barrel, with the monkeys screaming and clawing each other in desperation, then bursting from the barrel to viciously attack everything in their way, leaving you thrashing on the floor with your eyeballs ripped out and jaw broken and infected with rabies. But with a $700 refund!

      I never click on YouTubes when I'm given no reason to. That said,

      JUST DO COKE AND METH, kids! Bugs and Daffy say so! Uppers are for WINNERS!

2/1

      AND HIS LEFT SNEAKER HAD A SUNBURN ONCE
Many years ago the patient had frostbite of the right shoe.
--written on a patient’s medical chart

2/2

      WABBITS WUNNING
Owen runs like a rabbit chasing after--what do rabbits run after? They run after nothing! Well, running after other rabbits.
--sportscaster Tom Tyrell

      Back in the Summer, Kevin sent me a "Join Facebook" email. And had several real-life friends do the same. This, of course, was because I adamantly refused to join next year's outdated social website, especially since the list of people from my past I want to catch with is a negative number. When I created the page, to my horror it listed as potential "friends" all the douchebags I went to high school with during the worst 4 years of my life. (As I once said on meeting one of the few people who didn't treat me like shit from high school just before the 10th reunion, "If I show up, hit the floor, because I probably have a sack of hand grenades.") That was enough for me; I deactivated the account.
      But then Imeem decided you needed a Facebook page to use it (as it was bought by Guess Who), and some freebies and activist sites require it, so I reactivated it. I went to shut it down, then realized...umm, I never bookmarked my own page. Ah, it's not going to hurt to leave it up for a couple of days until I figure it out. Who's going to find it?
      KitSplut, Queen and Creator of the SplutGlut, apparently used her splutter-sense and friended me. ("Verbing weirds nouns"--Calvin & Hobbes) As did Arica, whoever she is (Kitty: Is she Punkie, all grown up? Looks like her) So I just threw my hands in the air today, sent out a bunch of friendifying requesters from my email, and just let the MySpace Friendster next obsolete thing sit there. Feel free to send me a friend request, but also read the only posts on my wall (a wall! Just like in a public restroom!) and realize that I have no idea what the fucking thing is for, and will thus never use it.

2/3

      AND WE HEAR THE JAIL SPA IS CLOSED AFTER LIGHTS-OUT, TOO
It’s so cruel what has happened to her. She wasn’t allowed to wax or use a moisturizer. Her skin is so dry right now.
--friend of Paris Hilton, after Hilton was in jail for two days

      8 Amazing Stories of Ninja Failure is pretty funny, especially the first story, which really was amazing. Because it didn't just involve Connecticut, or my least favorite member of Congress, or my hometown, but the intersection I live a quarter-mile from! I asume that it happened on a Sunday, meaning that I was right in this chair surfing the tubes as it happened. And this was the first I'd heard of it.

      I've never mentioned here my utter contempt for monsters like Jenny McCarthy, who blame their kid's autism on vaccines, and have done everything they can to stop every child from being vaccinated because of this unreasonable obsession. 50 years ago when I was born, measles and polio and the fucking whooping cough were defeated. But these lunatics refuse to admit that hey, maybe autism is genetic (which I guess they take as a personal insult to their Perfect Genes, although that's not the case), so they find some insane thing to blame it on that isn't them. And because of their denial, kids are dying in increasing numbers from the diseases my parents didn't have to worry about me getting. Fucking whooping cough--in the 21st century, that's like dying from scurvy or a sabre-tooth tiger bite.
      The most frustrating thing is that it was all the doing of one guy, who used his falsified data to sell lots of books and speaking engagements. He became a millionaire, standing atop an evergrowing mountain of incredulous halfwits and dead babies. That bastard should be in jail. With untreated whooping cough.
      Is it all over now that he's been finally, completely discredited? Fuck no. It's the sunk-cost fallacy: these anti-vaxxer loons can never admit now that they were duped and they were wrong. They'll just keep on killing babies in the name of saving them. Unfortunately, it's called "herd immunity," meaning the more kids who are immunized, the less likely the deadly viruses can kill the rest. If it only killed their own spawn, well, heartless as it is to say, their viewpoints would die out in a generation. But weakening the herd immunity kills other people's babies.
      Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be Jenny McCarthys. Immunize them and just let them grow up.

2/4

      THE BUCK STOPS HERE, HILLARY CLINTON AND
He doesn’t say I directly told him anything. He says that, you know, the fact that I expressed concern had an impact on him. [But] the mere expression of concern could be, I guess, taken to mean something more than it was meant.
--Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-New York), denying claims of her former aide that she requested the firing of White House office staff and their replacement with Arkansas cronies

2/5

      SUSPECTS, OVERLY MELLOW
Man suspected of growing marijuana in his house: Do you want me to explain that [a diary detailing his drug-growing business] to you?
Police officer: Didn’t you just talk to a lawyer?
Suspect: Yes.
Officer: What did he tell you?
Suspect: I don’t remember.
Officer: Didn’t he just tell you not to speak to me?
Suspect: Oh, yeah.
Officer: Then you probably shouldn’t explain it.
Suspect: Oh, yeah. Thanks, man.
--conversation during an actual arrest

2/6

      WOO WOO WOO!
I prayed for snow on my wedding day. It was 32 degrees but it didn’t snow. I did get eight inches on my honeymoon, though.
--Jeopardy contestant, when asked about her winter wedding (thanks to Charles Tucker)

      The Quotable Action Hero, a briefly-lived blog of not very good "Here's my snappy line while I kill you!" banter.

      I may watch the Super Bowl halftime show tomorrow! I hear that it's Doctor the Who performing "My Regeneration!"
      Oh. Wait. Okay, misunderstood.
      "After this excruciating meeting he received a large check for royalties, left and went to a bar and got completely drunk. In that bar he encountered Paul Cook and Steve Jones of The Sex Pistols, who thought very highly of Pete for paving the way for Punk rock music. Townshend was conflicted because he feared The Who had sold out."
      And your halftime show is: "A bit of 'Baba O'Riley' (CSI: New York), a bit of 'Pinball Wizard,' a bit of the close of 'Tommy,' a bit of 'Who Are You' (classic CSI:), and a bit of 'Won't Get Fooled Again.' (CSI: Miami). It works -- it's quite a saga," Townshend tells the mag.
      Hey, Petey--who the fuck are you?
      "I hope I die before I get old
      --enough that I can't pimp every cent from my music!"

2/7

      GREEK MYTHS, LARGE JAPANESE MONSTERS AND
We didn’t treat them like some Greek myth. There was no Godzilla out there.
--New York Giants player David Tyree, after beating the New England Patriots in the Superbowl

2/8

      THIS IS WHY WE NEVER WANT TO BE LANDLORDS
Weakest Link host Anne Robinson: What “T” are people who live in a house paying rent to a landlord?
Contestant: Terrorists.

"The Pentagon’s mad science arm may have come up with its most radical project yet. Darpa is looking to re-write the laws of evolution to the military’s advantage, creating “synthetic organisms” that can live forever — or can be killed with the flick of a molecular switch."

2/9

      TRUTH IN ADVERTISING
99 CENTS OR LESS OR MORE
--sign in a 99-cent store (thanks to Michael V. McHugh)

2/10

      MARRIAGES, TYPICAL
Couples should contact the pastor at least six months in advance of marriage, even if a firm hate has been established.
--in a church bulletin

      Big ass snowstorm today! It Bill's day off! Lucks out again! Hopes stupid winter ends soon! And not talk like Hulk no more! ARRRGH! (throws tank at helicopter)

      Van Morrison's 'Brown Eyed Girl" played on the station at work yesterday, which brown-eyed woman Mrs Jessica considers to be Her Song. For no other reason, I thought of those long-gone days when she'd first moved out of state and we'd talk on the phone every week for a couple of hours. After I got home, guess who called me! That's right, Van Morrison! He sounded remarkably girlish.
      She went to visit her grandmother in Florida who was dying from cancer, and then a day or so later died. I've always described her life as a soap opera, but during the series of phone calls (her cell cutting out once, DJ hanging up my phone by sitting on it), it became obvious that at least this visit was the next indie dramedy Sundance award winner. Seriously, if I knew a screenwriter, I'd sit them both down to thrash out a script. It wouldn't take much work. It was Rachel Getting Married, except that the main character isn't the dysfunctional Kym, everyone else is. That might be the sticking point to the critics--you can imagine one character being a fuck-up, but the whole family except one?
      There was a whole story arc there. Nana's dying, and the vultures descend, not to mourn, but to pick over her possessions. All Jess wanted was a pair of dolls that were made for her. But knowing that she wanted them caused a feeding frenzy among her white trash relatives. It was all dollar signs to them; fuck the dead old lady, here's things that they could sell on eBay.
      The comedy would've been her flight down with her sister, the bobblehead. No, really; both me and her husband came up with this observation separately. Her Sis is hot at first glance--5 feet tall, thin, pretty face--but then it hits you that she's a bobblehead. Her head's larger than it should be in proportion to her body, and just as empty as doll's would be.
      "Feel that air!" sister said as the plane took off and she turned on the fan. Self-admitted germaphobe Jess pointed out that it's the air from the rest of the plane, regurgitated in your face. The pilot doesn't crack a window at 30 thousand feet. So newly paranoid Sis covered her face with a scarf for the entire flight. The woman next to her worked for Timberland, and was doing some advertising work on her laptop. Sis said "You should make your stuff look less urban-looking!" The Timberland person said that there really wasn't anything "urban" about hiking boots. Sis nodded, and said "You should make your stuff look less urban-looking!" Repeatedly.
      Sis, face covered in a scarf, got antsy, and began wandering the aisles and repeatedly going to the bathroom. Since her skin wasn't brown, she wasn't tasered by a sky marshal. The TSA: always looking for suspicious behaviour, except when it can't be bothered.
      There was more comedy involving Sis, such as meeting Grandma, in the hospital while she was a day away from dying from cancer, and saying "You look great!" Grandma rolled her eyes at that, and Jess said, "Nana--you look like hell!" Which got a laugh and a hug. Then Sis and Jess argued over this, on opposite sides of the dying women's bed, Nana in the middle yelling "Stop this!"
      The drama would be the rest of the movie. Jess is the only not-white trash member of the family. There was the in-law who introduced her friend 3 times in 15 minutes, as she was wasted. So was her evil uncle--named "JR," for you Dallas fans. He was the main scavenger. There was just too much drama over dead granny's possessions for me to even describe, so I won't. All Jess wanted was those dolls and a few miniature houses that her granmother had bought at the end of her life, just so that Jess could have them (the last one was delivered the day she died). But, no, that's possible meth money! She asked to be brought to a hotel, as she couldn't stand being with these scumbags any longer. No one would even drive her those few miles, so she said that her husband could fly down and take her, and JR began screaming about "YEAH, your RICH ASS HUSBAND!" which I think underscores the unspoken jealousy here.
      At the end, her mother packed up the 2 dolls that were all Jess wanted. As they were packing up to leave, JR saw the box with the dolls and Jessica's name on it. And kicked it as hard as he could. Her mother's boyfriend pounded the steering wheel and said, "I'll beat his ass if you want!" But mom said "We promised not to do that, remember?" Which should give you a good idea of the family dynamic. It ended so bad that he had the gun, mom held the clip, and another family member kept the bullets.
      The movie would only be what happened. The dolls were the catalyst, a representation of a grandmother's love for her granddaughter, enduring through the years, but so fragile and easily broken. Jess went to a nice hotel, and calmed herself by watching the dolphins play in the sea by it, a clear symbol of her free and intelligent spirit. (I alo suggested a shot of some crabs fighting over some beached seaweed, representing her relatives) And there was personal growth, as she and her mother have been estranged of late, but reconnected over the incident. They might be close again, as her mom is the only other sane person in that family.
      The resolution would be what happened. Those dolls her Nana wanted her to have since childhood, representing the love they shared--mom packed them so well that JR's vicious kick did nothing to them. Jess opens box; laughs; fade out; end credits roll

2/11

      BUREAUCRATIC “HELP”
All large envelopes (flats) will be required to be rectangular in shape. This includes square pieces.
--on the U.S. Postal Service website, concerning new rates and postage changes

      The big ass snowstorm: Predicted, 10 to 14 inches. Reality: 1.7 inches. It wouldn't have affected my commute either way if I had worked. I almost feel ripped off.
      The only storm they've been right about all season was last week's huge mid-Atlantic one that we didn't get. But every time they've named a snowfall amount, it's ended up being the exact opposite. They're usually not wrong every single time.
      Their prediction for Monday is "light snow showers." OH GOURD IT'LL BE 42 FEET!

      The first thing Jessica brought up on that phone call was the newest addition at the shelter she volunteers at. A female feline. All white. Blue eyes. Deaf. And ready for adoption...!
      You can see the series of reasons she had for telling me about her. But, 3 cats, I'm maxed out. "My deaf cat is playing with a toy mouse right now," I said, and Byron immediately stopped and stared at me. Weird. I took the opportunity to ask her something about him. A year ago Kevin was over, and he hadn't seen Byron since he was tiny. "He looks like a wildcat!" he said. It really hadn't occured to me that, yes, he does. He has a strong lower jaw, rather Kirk Douglas in appearance. His rear haunches are massive, his back legs much longer than the other cats, and the muscles quite powerful. He loves to chase the laser dot straight up the wall, and when he does, his front paws reach at least 5 feet off the ground. DJ tries that, but he can only manage little bunny hops. Jess said Yes, the shelter has a cat who's part bobcat, so it's biologically possible. It would also explain other genetic anomalies, such as the deafness and the giant feet. Cats are superfecund, meaning that the litter can have more than one father. Maybe it was more than just the deafness that caused his mama cat to abandon him at 2 weeks.
      DJ tries to jump like Byron because he wants to be Byron. Bigfoot's been slower in accepting him than Killsy--mainly because a deaf cat does not appreciate being pounced from behind in his blind spot--but he's certainly getting there. A couple of weeks ago, DJ imitated Byron as TPB. Toilet Pet Boy. Byron can hear the shower, and when I get out, he jumps on the toilet seat lid for pets. DJ joined him, when only weeks before that would've meant growls and swats. Instead, B licked Deej's tail. He actually groomed another cat! That never happens!
      Another thing DJ has picked up from Byron is not drinking from the water bowl before smacking it around and watching the water splash out. This is why the water bowl is in the bathtub.
      DJ has stopped getting big. He's barely the size of Byron, and so he's that much smaller than Killsy, who isn't that big herself. And he's 11 months, so how much more growing time does he have? Six months, maybe? However, he is growing in the Unbelievable Cuteness category. He's the only cat who pets me. He curls up on his back in my lap for a belly rub, and reaches out his left paw to gently stroke my chin. Lately, when I'm getting ready for work in the bathroom, he gets on the sink, stands up on his hind legs, and reaches up to hug me. He puts his "arms" around my neck and rubs his cheeks on my beard. Maybe he lacks the jumping skilz of the wildcat, but he more than makes it up in love.
      Sorry, Jess. With these three cats, why do I need another?

      Thing that needs to go away: Adding "-pocalypse" to words that aren't apocalyptic. Three times today I saw "snowpocalypse." Nothing's clever when everyone says it.

2/12

      HE DONE DID IT INDEED
I have did my duty.
--Boston mayor Thomas Menino

      Dunno if this link will work--it may require a password, it may not--but here's ma belle amie Jessica's Flicker page of photos from her no-kill cat shelter. Highlight:

"New kitty!
Her name is Andersen, I thought what a silly name for such a beautiful cat. Then I spoke to Bill and he said, like Hans Christian Andersen!
Andersen is pure white with blue eyes and is deaf. This is a common trait in white cats with blue eyes.
(I think she looks like a YOUNG!) LOL!!"

2/13

      BEAUTY SALON NAMES, NOT SO PEACHY
FOUR EYE HAIR PORCH
--beauty salon, China

2/14

      ROMANCE, TRUE
I paid off a poker debt with sexual favors and fell in love. It’s so romantic.
--actress Pamela Anderson, on her then-husband Rick Solomon

      Programmers will like this this post, as will normal people.

      Something Awful usually is, but once in a while they come up something awesome. Such as Exotic Pets For Sale.

      Well, it took a long while this year, but the Buffalo Beast's 50 Most Loathsome Americans is here. Hey, actual indie newspapers that are physically printed, who edits you? Both the Beast and my local Hartford Advocate don't seem to realize that HOARD and HORDE are two different words with two different meanings. What does "baby-hording" even mean? Saving up enough toddlers to invade Europe like the Mongols? Turn off the Microsoft spellcheck and just read it as written. In 5 years, you'll be printing they're, there and their as if the words had identical meanings.

2/15

      THOSE LITTLE COMPUTER POSTMEN DESERVE A BREAK, TOO!
Tech support: What is your problem?
Customer: I was going to send an e-mail to someone and wanted to know: will it get delivered today even though it’s Presidents Day?
--actual call to a computer helpline

2/16

      IT AM INDEED
Education tests who more effort needed in reading comprehension.
--from the Caledonian-Record (St. Johnsbury, Vermont)

      HEY THIS IS EXCITING! I had food for dinner!
      It's possibly the worst thing that I eat, my bacon and egg cheeseburger. Pretty much what it sounds like, but super-delish. Wait, did that make me sound gay? I'm not gay! I'm asexual! Umm, (deepens level of voice to Morning Zoo radio show host, or NASCAR announcer) "Pretty much what it sounds like, but MANLY and REPUBLICAN and MILDLY RETARDED! Also: ARRRGGHH!" (punches something)
      Ya swabs takes you a bacons ya duz, TOOT TOOT! Eh heheheh! (Oh wait, that's a Popeye voice. But still QUITE MANLY)
      Put bacon strips on some bread, put some cheese slices over that, put it in the toaster oven and toast. Sautee onions in a pan, then crack an egg over them, break the yolk, cover. Fry a burger. When the toast is done, put eggs on top of the cheese. Add tomato sauce. When burger is done, place on everything else, eat over something like Tupperware, as it may get drippy. DEE-LISH...I mean...EATING IT MADE ME PUNCH OUT FAGGOTS YAARRR or ask for their phone numbers AARRRGGHH ME MANLY MAN!!!!!
      Only the bacon is bad for you. But I use the precooked bacon (less grease and fat), multigrain bread, tomato sauce (the corn syrup free kind), free-range eggs (good cholesterol) with added omega-3, and turkey burgers. Feel free to leave out the onions, although for me that's what makes it. Maybe you could substitute spinach, then beat up people. If that's too MANLY, toot toot, add some Olive Oil! THAT WAS MY EXCUSE FOR A PUNCHLINE TO MY RECIPE, ALTHOUGH THOSE DON'T USUALLY HAVE ONE HOPE YOU LIKE IT! IF NOT, ARRRRGGGHHH

2/17

      VERY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH GOD
Dialogue in an American film: That’s when I got my call from God.
Subtitle as it appeared in Europe: That’s when God telephoned me.

1: After years, my check engine light is off. That doesn't mean that the error codes have cleared from the engine; it could just mean that the bulb burned out. I ran into the guy who does all the work on everybody in the store's cars, and I said that I find it hard to believe that the EVAC fixed itself. But he said that it was equally unlikely that the bulb burned out. So I'll go to AutoZone and have them run a free diagnostic. If the codes are gone, I'll take it in, pass, and it'll only cost me $20. And it'll be 2 years before I have to get another car.
2: I'm still not due for registration, so what difference does it make if I fail? Um, I don't know, so the next course of action would be to find out if it's more than just a $40 fee.
3: The state gives a waiver of $660 on repairs required to pass emissions. I'll find an authorized garage that'll do it for that figure or less.
4: If it costs more than $660...I don't know. The DMV letter only has 2 terse sentences about the waiver. "The minimum repair expense eligible for a waiver is $660." Does that mean that if it costs $659, I'm screwed? Does it mean if it costs $800, it's waived, or that it costs me $140? Or $800? But if it costs less than 2 car payments--like, $800--I guess I'll just have to get it done. I could pull money out of either of my savings accounts to make a big down payment on a car, but it just cost me $6400 to pay off my condo, and while financially I could afford it, psychologically I can't. That would be Option Number 5, but to misquote Python, "There is NO--Option Number 5!"

      George Lucas asks David Lynch to direct "Jedi." He certainly couldn't have made it any worse! Unless the Ewoks were made of blue velvet. And the Emperor was an owl. And Vader a talking log. Wait, that would've actually been better!
      "Luke--I am your MOMMY! MOMMY!" (wheezes nitrous)

2/18

      I’LL TAKE MORONIC PRESS SECRETARIES FOR $1000, ALEX
Q: What do you know about the Cuban missile crisis?
White House press secretary Dana Perino: It had to do with Cuba and missiles, I’m pretty sure.

2/19

      AIRLINES, SO NAIVE
AIRLINES SUCCUMBING TO CRUDE ADVANCES
--headline on MarketWatch.com (thanks to Katie Hall)

      Lulu Eightball:

      Business intelligence for burglars: "Imagine, if you will, a criminal business intelligence service, much like the ones serving marketers, only specialising in selling leads on potential targets to burglars...Of course, the real rich pickings are in walled gardens such as Facebook, where people have a sense of security and post their real names, locations and photos; while this is not public, a criminal site could harvest it by using malware (in which case, it'd get not just the details of the owner of the infected PC, but of all their friends)"

      Roger Ebert, despite multiple operations for his cancer, still reviews multiple movies every week. He started a blog less than 2 years ago, which I've linked to repeatedly, as it's always interesting, and frequently not about movies.
      Roger Ebert is dying. "But now everything he says must be written, either first on his laptop and funneled through speakers or, as he usually prefers, on some kind of paper. His new life is lived through Times New Roman and chicken scratch. So many words, so much writing — it's like a kind of explosion is taking place on the second floor of his brownstone. It's not the food or the drink he worries about anymore — I went thru a period when I obsessed about root beer + Steak + Shake malts, he writes on a blue Post-it note — but how many more words he can get out in the time he has left. In this living room, lined with thousands more books, words are the single most valuable thing in the world. They are gold bricks. Here idle chatter doesn't exist; that would be like lighting cigars with hundred-dollar bills. Here there are only sentences and paragraphs divided by section breaks. Every word has meaning.
      "Even the simplest expressions take on higher power here. Now his thumbs have become more than a trademark; they're an essential means for Ebert to communicate. He falls into a coughing fit, but he gives his thumbs-up, meaning he's okay. Thumbs-down would have meant he needed someone to call his full-time nurse, Millie, a spectral presence in the house."
      Even if you're disinterested in the man, read that article. We should all be so strong in the face of adversity.

2/20

      WHAT A DEAL!
$1.50 EACH / 2 FOR $3.00
--price label for spray bottles at Walgreens in San Francisco (thanks to Catherine and Claire Feuille)

2/21

      DOES THIS MAKE SENSE TO YOU OR IS IT JUST US?
We were making out or having sex or something, which I think is very unsanitary. He’s a fabulous guy.
--actress Scarlett Johansson, about how she and actor Benicio Del Toro were seen getting physical in an elevator at the Chateau Marmont hotel after the Oscars

      Reservoir Dogs : Finally saw it. Like all Tarentino, overrated.

      9: I'm old enough to remember when one might say of a sci-fi film, "The effects weren't very good, but the story was great!" No one says that anymore. The effects are always amazing, and the story seen-it, who-cares. This looked great, but was completely predictable plot-wise. Except for the parts that didn't make any sense. As always, The Machines decide to kill all humans. And, apparently, every form of life, even ludicrous six-inch-high burlap humunculi. They're the only "living" things. I guess after killing the humans, they went after the pets and then the birds and then the insects, and also all the plant life. I can only assume that they'll go after the amoebas next. Why? Because they're The Machines, and that's what they always do in every movie since The Terminator. They kill the humans with 5 story high monsterbots, yet go after the ridiculous tiny ragdolls with a robot the size of a small terrier, rather than just use the monsterbots to stomp the city block that they live in. If they're that determined to Destroy All Life, why didn't they just flood the planet with radiation, or dip it in Clorox?
      Of course, I didn't question Skynet's insistence on human depopulation, as I only start questioning things like that in movies that are so boring that my mind begins to wander. And it's "boring" in that sense of the last 15 years of Hollywood Product, in that stuff HAPPENS! ALL! THE! TIME! but you've seen it so many times in so many big-on-budget, low-on-creativity movies that it's like watching an endless stream of NASCAR crashes or controlled building demolitions. Interesting for a minute, not for 90 minutes.

      The Best of Dudley Do-Right: Vol. 1: I've been a fan of Jay Ward cartoons since I was a kid, loving them for one reason then, and other reasons as a teenager and then adult. I consider Rocky and Bullwinkle to be the greatest TV cartoon ever, and the greatest part of it was Do-Right. Fans, rejoice! Despite having watched the show with a near-obsession, there were 2 cartoons in the 90 minutes that I'd never seen before! Well, maybe as a kid in the 60s, but not since. The first was the long-banned "Stokey the Bear" (who doesn't prevent forest fires, but starts them). All the cartoons are still really funny, existing in their own strange little old-movies Canada.
      But why did Netflix not have Vol. II? A trip to Amazon told me: there ain't no such beast. It came out 5 years ago, with a Best of Peabody I and a Fractured Fairy Tales I, and that was it. Not enough sales? Maybe they should've released it as The Complete Dudley Do-Right, and more people would've bought it. I love The Tick, but both series discs are missing episodes, so why buy them only to have them all released later? If there was a complete Space Ghost Coast to Coast set, I'd buy in a Zorak blink.

      Murderball : My second time watching this awsome doc. Highly recommended.

      RiffTrax: Plan 9 from Outer Space and MST3K: Soultaker: Why do I keep renting the Mike Years, when they always turn out to have like 2 laughs in them? Cause I'm a dickweed.

      Monty Python: Almost the Truth: The motherlode for Python fans! I put off renting it because I thought that it'd be boring. It wasn't, although nonfans would do best to avoid it. It covers the Pythons from birth right up to Spamalot.
      It covered the Python film no one talks about, And Now For Something Completely Different, which was restaged skits from the first season. The director--who'd never done a comedy--was staggering drunk by noon of every shoot. I have a fond memory of seeing this in a community college AV room, run on a crappy projector with an even crappier print (the film was commercially released to theaters a few years before, to little business, as nobody but me knew who Python was. I'd seen them on a summer replacement show that featured comedy skits from various European TV shows. One was their Dead Parrot Sketch). My friend and I were the only ones in the audience who'd seen the show on its initial brief run on PBS (before they ran it all the damn time). Everyone else was seeing the skits for the first time, and loved it. Then the broken, pasted-together film skipped over Hitler's punchline in "The Killer Joke" skit--HITLER in subtitles, from real Triumph of the Will footage of the Nuremburg Rally: "My dog has no nose!" NAZI: "How does he smell?--break; skip!--and everyone groaned. So I finished it: "AWFUL!"
      Know what else is awful? Yep, this movie. And it's all the director's fault. The Pythons simply line up in the exact same spots they did in the TV show, and rather than film it like the show, he jumped between characters in a way that utterly destroys any timing. Even the incredibly simple joke of the Flasher skit (we see him from the back as he flashes women, then he turns and flashes us, and we see what's been shocking all his victims is a sign around his neck that says "BOO!") is ruined. The tiny sign is placed in the flasher's crotch, but your eyes naturally go to the center of the screen, like it was on TV--and the camera stays on this shot for less than a second. The entire audience was baffled.
      It's a free download on Netflix, but it's only worth watching to see how some of the funniest and most influential sketch comedy ever done is completely destroyed by one drunken director.

2/22

      NO, THAT’S NOT INTERESTING
That’s George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three, three or four books about him last year. Isn’t that interesting?
--President George W. Bush, while showing a German newspaper reporter around the Oval Office

2/23

      GOOD POINT
This was my first fight since my last fight.
--boxer Mike Tyson (thanks to Shane DeStefano)

      I have a lot of arguments against UFOs visiting Earth, but the main is: no one's disproved the Theory of Relativity. There's no "warp speed" or "hyperspace," and the speed of light is the speed limit. So it's utterly insane to think that aliens would spend decades crawling to Earth at just-below the speed of light, in order to probe human asses, make crop circles, appear only to people who can't operate a camera, and "find some isolated spot with very few people around, then land right by some poor unsuspecting soul whom no one's ever going to believe and them strut up and down in front of him wearing silly antennae on their head and making beep beep noises. Rather childish really."
      Hey guess what: Starship pilots: speed kills, especially warp speed: "The problem lies with Einstein's special theory of relativity. It transforms the thin wisp of hydrogen gas that permeates interstellar space into an intense radiation beam that would kill humans within seconds and destroy the spacecraft's electronic instruments."

Kevin: Ready the anal probe.
Dave: [unenthusiastic] Anal probe is ready.
Kevin: Commence anal probing!
Dave: [rolling eyes, exasperated] Couldn't we at least abduct their political or religious leaders instead of just any idiot in a pickup truck?
Kevin: I'm sure the Great Leader has his reasons!
Dave: [sarcastic] Well, I'm sure the Great Leader is just some sort of twisted ass freak!

      A coupla years ago I commented here:

"The 50 Worst Films" was NOT written by Michael Medved's brother Harry. In its sequel, "The Golden Turkey Awards," Mikey admits that he thought the first book would hurt his hoped-for career as a screenwriter, so he credited it to his 15-year-old brother and a 21-year-old Oberlin med student. I was at Oberlin at the time, and med students were infamous for doing nothing but studying. It struck me as odd that a kid and a med student found the time to watch all these obscure movies in the pre-VCR days. And the book really didn't seem to be written a high school sophomore.
When he found out that the Hollywood types loved it, he freely admitted to being its writer. Because he thought that would help his career as a screenwriter.
I loved the first book--"Hey, I'm not the only person in the world who watches bad old movies just to laugh at them!" But with his smug confession in Golden Turkeys, I thought "Wow, I just now became aware of this guy's existence, and I've immediately lost all respect for him."

"So I was scooting around the internet and found a comment you'd made to Kliph Nesteroff on a site about Akim Tamiroff, where you disputed my authorship of "The Fifty Worst Films of All Time." I was at Oberlin, but not a med student--I was theater and music composition. Did I know you there?
I wrote a third of the text of that book in the summer of 1976. Michael Medved has been discrediting my contribution ever since -- but I did co-write it, and I still have the manuscript to prove it.
It's just that your comment has been picked up on a couple of other sites, and I wanted to keep the record straight."

2/24

      TOO TRUE, TOO TRUE
From some areas on the steps, you can get a view of the Acropolis and there’s not many sporting arenas around the world where you can say that.
--broadcaster Eleanor Oldroyd, BBC Radio 4 (UK)

      I'll keep on talking about the snow predictions, since I have been anyway lately. We were to get 4 to 8 inches of snow yesterday morning. Then, 4 to 8 in the afternoon. Then, 4 to 8 overnight. I looked out the window this morning and asked, "What, of rain?"
      I checked online, and we were still getting 4 to 8, despite the fact that the temps were never to leave the upper 30s. Over the next 3 hours, it became 3 to 5, then an inch, and finally they accepted reality and said "rain."
      Then it stopped raining.
      Aaand it's supposed to snow until Sunday. Yeah, whevs.

      Bravely braving the blizzard, I went to gas the car and get my FREE Harbor Freight flashlight because there's one up the road--you're on your own finding out if you're near one. Next door to that: Dollar Tree. I got Dark Chocolate Raisinets, but they were out of the dried cranberries they usually have. I got a tube of Stax, the Lay's version of Pringles, and I recommend you don't (thicker and saltier than Pringles, which I rarely eat anyway. And why is it that every unhealthy snack food tells you that it has "ZERO Trans Fats"? When the FDA says that "zero" means "under 1%"? THAT'S NOT ZERO, FDA) I also got another of those fish cat-wand toys, as a bit of the wand broke off the previous one, so the rest of it is doomed. I cruised the toy aisles to find something to annoy Jessica with the next time we meet, and bought some bling temporary tattoos. I was pretty much sold when I saw that one was a life-sized wristwatch (diamond-encrusted), and the fact that the tattos were backwards, as they should be, being press-ons, except for the dollar signs, which means they'll go on backwards. And the one that said "HI DOLLAH," which was backwards, so my brain briefly read it as "DOLLAH HO."
      But first I found some figures from the AstroBoy movie. You know--the AstroBoy movie! It was a big hit in an alternate universe! "Collect Them All!" they said, and I did, since there were four. They'll join my Speed Racer Hot Wheels in my collection of Bomb Movie Toys. Unlike the Hot Wheels, which were unsold to retailers from Mattel, these were all beat up in a way that they couldn't be for so recent a Dollar Tree purchase. Meaning, they came from retailer stores and were returned. I suppose that lowers their collectability, but like the Hot Wheels, if they were MIB, it'd be probably nil anyway. I haven't seen the movie--who did?--but I didn't open one up to see if it was true to the movie's only famous line: ASTROBOY: "I have machine guns--IN MY BUTT?!"

      I only linked to that "Michael Medved loves him some SLAVERY!" column yesterday to prove that it exists. I hope you didn't actually try to read it. If you did, like me, I assume your eyes glazed over at his first "point," which is "SLAVERY WAS AN ANCIENT AND UNIVERSAL INSTITUTION, NOT A DISTINCTIVELY AMERICAN INNOVATION" in all caps. Because something people did in the FUCKING BRONZE AGE makes it okay. Not unlike, say, human sacrifice! That's the real solution to this "Global Warming" nonsense! Throw more virgins into volcanoes to appease the Hotness Gods! Hey, umm, what were the Jews in ancient Egypt again? Town Hall columnists? And, believe it or not, it actually goes downhill from there.
      Here's an easier way to read it: pre-MYSTed by Sadly, No!.

"You know what? I’m just going to go sit over here in the corner and pretend that I never, ever read that sentence. I much prefer the thought of living in a world where people who would honestly say that the worst thing about the slave trade was the money slave traders lost on slaves who died in transit are put into a home for the deranged and cared for compassionately until they died, far away from any access to pens or paper or the internet, not given syndicated radio shows."

      This is the best lip-synching I've ever seen done by someone who isn't a Thunderbirds Are Go! marionette:

2/25

      MMM MMM!
• embezzled egg
• pudding with scum
--menu items in Cordoba, Spain (thanks to Ken Goodwin)

      As a break, here's a link that won't fill you with seething rage: Really dumb newspaper headlines.

2/26

      YOU'D BETTER BE SORRY, SUNDAY TIMES!
An article about Lord Lambton (“Lord Louche, sex king of Chiantishire,” News Review, January 7) falsely stated that his son Ned (now Lord Durham) and daughter Catherine held a party at Lord Lambton’s villa, Cetinale, in 1997, which degenerated into such an orgy that Lord Lambton banned them from Cetinale for years. In fact, Lord Durham does not have a sister called Catherine (that is the name of his former wife), there has not been any orgiastic party of any kind, and Lord Lambton did not ban him (or Catherine) from Cetinale at all. We apologise sincerely to Lord Durham for the hurt and embarrassment caused.
--newspaper correction in The Sunday Times (UK)

2/27

      NOTHING UNTIL DINNER

2/28

      RADIO HOSTING TEAMS, QUITE INTELLIGENT
Male radio host: Guess how many hours sleep you lose in a year looking after a newborn baby.
Female host: What, in all 352 days?
Male host (laughing): Don’t you mean 356?
Female host: Okay, in a leap year, right.
--Real Radio (UK)>

3/1

      BOOKS, ABSOLUTELY FASCINATING
• A Study of Hospital Waiting Lists in Cardiff, 1953-1954
• Parish Ministers’ Hats
• The Toothbrush: Its Use and Abuse
--actual book titles

      Facebook! WTF? Some LTRofTD sent me a Friendy-thingie. Then I find out Aldo sent me some other stuff but who knows when he sent it, and Lily sent me a valentine on, like, Valentine's Day. Y'know, a MONTH ago, hey thanks, Facebook. Why doesn't this stupid thing tell me when to look at it? I looked at it YESTERDAY! And I didn't see this stuff. Is there a link I can go to? That tells me the stuff every other web thing has told me for YEARS?
      Because--I really don't get why you kids today like the Facebook. It's pure shite, as far as I can tell.
      Oh, okay. It's WAY OVER THERE. Awesome. But it doesn't tell me when someone puts something there? WOW, this is super duper better than that email program I used BACK IN 1997! Maybe Facebork can crawl up to that level of tech in some future decade. Man, but I hate this Farcebook. Please pretend my page doesn't exist, because I'm pretty sure that I'm done with it. (Until I figure it out...)

3/2

      YEAH, WHAT SHE SAID
The first attribute of the art object is that it creates a discontinuity between itself and the unsynthesized manifold.
--Germaine Greer, on John Cage’s 4'33" (4 minutes 33 seconds without an instrumental note being played)

3/3

      PASTRIES, MEDICAL
A TRIAGE OF OUR SPECIALTIES IS SURE TO PLEASE EVERY PLATE.
--label next to a cafeteria dessert tray holding three small pastries, IKEA, New Haven, Connecticut

3/4

      EXPLANATIONS, CRUCIAL
And there’s a self-portrait of himself, by himself.
--broadcaster Richard Madeley

3/5

      YES, WE HAVE TWO BANANAS
Family Feud host Richard Dawson: Name something that comes in pairs.
Contestant: Bananas.

3/6

      STATEMENTS, LESS MOST UNDERSTANDABLE
Raisin in the Sun has been the most less stressful thing I’ve ever done.
--rapper Sean (Puff Daddy) Combs, on his acting debut

3/7

      LADIES LITERARY SOCIETIES, RACY
Wednesday the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johns will sing “Put Me in My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
--in a church bulletin

      Today was the first Beautiful Day of 2010. Killsy and DJ celebrated by sunning by the open window.

      Byron celebrated by

      BECOMING A FLOATING DISEMBODIED CAT HEAD AAAHH!!! Just because it's a nice day, young man, it doesn't mean that you can manifest demonically!

3/8

      AND MARY BEAUCOUP TO YOU!
Bob Appetite!
--from a cookbook included with a waffle maker made in China

3/9

      OH THOSE MOVIE SCIENTISTS, ALWAYS SO TECHNICAL
Reporter: Ah, that is what you call it, the Iron Mole.
David: That’s what I call it. Dr. Perry here calls it a high calibration digging machine.
--from the movie At the Earth’s Core (1976)

"I had to admit that cats do not offer unconditional love. They offer occasional and frequently conditional love. The Pancho that snuggles against my hip at night is the same Pancho who will flee from me during daylight hours. I sometimes have trouble convincing people that Pancho is my cat, so evident is his disdain."

Dogs give unconditional love. If your dog walks up to you and you kick it in the head, it will still walk up to you. And then you kick it in the head. And the dog will still walk up to you. Unconditional love!
Kick a cat in the head. No, it will not walk up to you again. It will hiss and run away. CONDITIONAL love.
Kick a HUMAN in the head. Whoa! No unconditional love! Possibly, a head-kicking of your own! Glocks may be pulled. Casualties may ensue.
ALL love should be conditional. I'll treat you like I want to be treated, and you do the same to me. You don't kick my head, and I won't kick yours. That's the human contract, and that's the contract between cats and humans.
(Also, dogs are loud and stupid and smell weird and you have to pick up their reeking offal after walking them at 4AM in the winter because of their UNCONDITIONAL LUV that had all those unspoken preconditions.)

3/10

      WE’RE ALL DEPENDING ON YOU, POETS!
ONLY POETS CAN SAVE US FROM MILLENNIUM BUGGERY
--headline in The Times of India, referring to the so-called Y2K bug that was supposed to cripple computers

      You...haven't actually seen the movie, have you, UpChuck? "War is a drug"?
      I'm surprised by this. Not the automatic "LUV THE TROOPS!" stuff, but that this would've gone the other way if, say, she'd directed Avatar, which seems to be giving wrong-wingers inexplicable fits. Then, he'd be screaming "AFFIRMATIVE ACTION HOLLYWEIRD gives SOME FEMINIST the Oscar just to make her the FIRST WOMAN to win BEST DIRECTOR!"
      FREEDOM ISN'T FREE! You really haven't seen the movie, have you, UpChuck?
      Also, in an utter non sequitur, except that when Chuck was in college 45 years ago, it was the HIPPIES who got laid, not him! Seriously, look at those guys. Reeeal 2010 looking. And protesting that THINGS THAT COST MONEY AREN'T FREE! Umm, what? What do these things have to do with each other? 60s hippies should be ashamed that the Oscars said that a movie was good, and either go into massive debt, or drop out? Y'know, Chuck, you're a run-down old geezer. I suppose that you don't care that if tuition gets too high, then there will be less people going to medical school, and then there'll be less doctors, because, hey! you'll be dead by then anyway! But that's how you think about everything, from climate change to the unending Iraq War to the ongoing collapse of the economy due to deregulation. Chuck says "FUCK my grandkids! Those ungrateful bastards still haven't sent me a thank you card for those editions of 'Atlas Shrugged' I sent them 10 Christmases ago!"
      War is a drug, old man. And apparently for you, so is stupidity.

      May I take a moment to point out "honoring the troops"? It started as "Support the Troops--while they DIE in an unwinnable war based on lies that makes terrorism MORE likely, bankrupts the economy and I don't even care enough to 'support' them that I'd ruin my bumper with a sticker, so here's a dollar store Made-in-China magnet that I'll let fade into unreadability, because I SO SUPPORT THEM just don't give them any benefits when they get back, as I may have to pay more taxes and UGH! don't show me pictures of them missing limbs EWWWW! because FREEDOM TO VOTE (on American Idol) ISN'T FREE!" And now it's pure "WORSHIP the Troops!" GE is running ads on the radio pointing out that they employ lots of vets. And...? No one else does? And that's the whole commercial?
      It's crossing over from "support" and "patriotism" into "militarism." Which is endemic to dictatorships. Such as the last century's worst, those of Stalin, Mao and Godwin. In Iran, Myanamar and North Korea, the citizens all support the troops, too. Or they'll be shot. Here, you'll just be shouted down and called a traitor. Which has the death penalty. Just saying, it's getting odd.

      This Ripley's Believe It or Not! comic is defying my attempts to copy it, but the text is all you need anyway:

JIM BARTEK
of Maple Heights, Ohio, USA
LISTENED
To The Album
"NOSTRADMUS"
By Heavy Metal Band
JUDAS PRIEST
Once A Day---
Every Day
For 524 DAYS
In A Row!

      I went to the Salvation Army today. To buy a cassette player, believe it or not. The parking lot was full, and the line about 10 people long. Oh, yeah. It's Wednesday.
      That's senior discount day most places, so it's always a good day to avoid stores. Even worse, at the SA it's now everybody discount day.
      After 2010's first hike in the state park, I got groceries, successfully turning a $68 bill into a $38 one through judicious use of coupons and sales. One clerk said to another as I bagged, "The police and the paramedics are here!" The other clerk said, in a tone of disinterest, "Yeah, I saw them. Must be down the other side of the store." The first said "Probably a senior having a seizure!"
      The second shrugged, said "Well, it is a Wednesday." and went back to work.

3/11

      MENU ITEMS, CANNIBALISTIC
• Local Steak
• Sheep Leg
• Cowboy Leg
--menu items, China

3/12

      EMPLOYEES, NOT QUITE ZOMBIES
David Blunkett also revealed yesterday that employers in the hotel and restaurant sector and the food manufacturing industry were to be allowed to recruit less killed workers from abroad early next year.
--from a story in The Guardian (UK)

      Godzilla Haiku, which is just what it sounds like. Only 3 very short pages--so short, I literally don't know why it isn't one page.
      Well, time to clean the cat boxes! Litter-ly!

3/13

      AND WE DON’T BLAME HIM
Andre Nel will not want to get up Sean Tait’s end, not with that finger.
--cricket commentator, Sky Sports (UK)

      ...As normal as it gets here, anyway.

      via.

3/14

      QUESTIONS, INCOMPATIBLE
Customer: I’d like a mouse mat, please.
Salesperson: Certainly, sir, we’ve got a large variety.
Customer: But will they be compatible with my computer?
--overheard in a computer shop

      The American Dream: To be famous at anything. No matter how stupid or eventually fatal. I'm sure her young daughter will be proud of her when she dies from cardiac arrest, her feet amputated from severe diabetes.

3/16      DREAM ON, REV.

Law will be simplified and brought within the range of the common people. As a result, the occupation of two-thirds of the lawyers will be destroyed [in the next century].

3/17      

EXCELLENT POINT!
I believe that all illegal organizations should be outlawed.
--Ian Paisley, Ulster Democratic Union Party

      In a way related to the day, to which I didn't relate until after I'd started cooking it, I found out that the grocery store sells baking potatoes individually. Since I am one of those guys who could fuck up a baked potato, one is what I bought. And it came out quite delicious! I had it with no-trans fats margarine. Which reminded me of that brief Clancy Brothers' tune I liked to play from my mom's record as a kid (and whch apparently does not exist as a video or MP3):

Ahem, Ahem, me mother's gone to church.
She told me not to play with you because you're in the dirt!
'tisn't because you're dirty, 'tisn't because you're clean,
It's because you've got the whooping cough
And eat margarine!

      Being half-Irish, I felt no need to wear green today (I wore my Animal Rescue Site shirt instead). But being a bachelor, I haven't changed my underwear in a few months, and it's gettin' a mite green...That counts, right?

      Netflix just told me that they're sending me BOTH Astro Boy AND Doctor Who: The Waters of Mars! Out of the goodness of their hearts! Of course, today they sent me NEITHER, but there are some new MST3Ks available on Watch Now, so I can see those instead! And then bitch about them, as they're from the Mike Years.
      I retract that. The mail came almost 2 hours late today (time the mailman spent at the Postal Pub with a pint?) . I received Astro Boy, that cartoon about Elroy Jetson, and a free sample of Olay Body Wash (I sent away for that? I must've thought it was shampoo) with a "Tear Here" sticker. It was the length of the bottle and listed the ingredients, all "I lost count at 25" of them. Assuming that you count,as Olay does, "acrylonitrile/methychoroisothiazolinone/I ain't typing any more of THAT, as it goes on for another hundred letters" as one ingredient. And a sweet "Thank You for donating to the Humane Society" card from the startlingly beautiful Mrs Jessica, which you didn't get because YOU didn't donate! (As is your right)

      Full of potato, I'm posting this....now. And thus to the only movie in history to include the line "I've got machine guns--IN MY BUTT?!"

3/18      

POTATO IMAGERY, SLEEPY AND NAUSEATING
It was a very hot potato at the time. We thought we’d put it to bed, but to have it regurgitated now is pointless.
--soccer manager Steve Coppell

      Happy birthday today to DJ Loverboy! Yes, a whole year old! He's now a cat, not a kitten. Although, like Byron Bigfoot, I think he'll be a kitten for a long time to come...

3/19      

DEFENDANTS, DEFINITIONALLY CHALLENGED
Attorney: Let me ask you this: Have you been frank in your answers?
Defendant: No, I’ve been telling the truth.
--actual courtroom testimony

      Fact: if you lose one of your major senses--say, hearing--your brain rewires to make your other senses more powerful.
      Byron's sight is far better than the other cats. He frequently has his mouth open just a tiny bit, as cats have extra olfactory sensors in their tongues, and it helps their sense of smell.
      I sleep with a towel over my eyes and ears, so to cut the unneeded sensory stimulation out. Sometimes Byron sleeps with a giant paw over his nose and mouth. Same thing, I think.

3/20      

DEFENDANTS, DEFINITIONALLY CHALLENGED
THAT CLEARS THINGS UP
He was a state sponsor of terror. In other words, the government had declared, you are a state sponsor of terror.
--President George W. Bush, on Saddam Hussein

      

      




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