"Look! No, LOOK! See where I'm pointing? Over there's--Jeez, but I'm getting the funniest feeling while I materialize-- There's where the GI's are holed up, and there, over there, are the Congs! Congs are bad!--Man, this really weird tingly feeling in my colon, I wonder what that means--
AAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!
CHRIST! I gotta remember to materialize with my butt ON the branch, not with it UP it!"
Yeah, Tod! Overtake the grenades!
Superman would rush in front of them, and let them explode harmlessly against his body!
The Flash would run up at superspeed, form a tornado, then fling them away!
You, Tod, why doncha overtake them, then shove them up every orifice in your body, then lie on top of a gasoline truck until they blow you to smitheree--
I mean, until you...absorb the...kinetic energy. I am so totally sure you can do that, Tod. It'll work better if you eat some poison, too. No, really.
I'm pretty sure Wolverine did it once, Tod. C'mon, try it. C'mon.
Look:
The job requirement was "young and noble by nature."
"Also not a total moron" was never mentioned.
"The Congs are throwing fruit at us!" enthuses the guy who looks exactly like Telly Savalas in Kelly's Heroes.
"Careful! They're probably booby-trapped! I'll make sure by slapping this vaguely-pineapplean object really really hard with my hand to see if it explodes!"
Waitaminnit--
That guy really does look exactly like Telly Savalas in Kelly's Heroes!
Which was set in World War Two!
Okay, I didn't pick up Tod Holton, Super Green Beret thinking that it was a documentary. But the "GI's" (not "grunts") are wearing WWII uniforms and carrying WWII guns. And the "Congs" are drawn in the racist WWII "dirty Japs" style.
You know, the artist could've roused himself from his alcohol-induced haze long enough to research Nam-era soldiers by
TURNING ON THE EVENING NEWS!!! IT'S 1967, DAMMIT! THIS IS CURRENT EVENTS!!
The artist must be either 90 years old, or 12.
"No, they're not booby-trapped! They may be poisoned, but there's only one way to test that--Eat them real fast! We ran out of food three days ago and THEN we sent a radio message about how we were stuck in this cave! If that Domino's guy ever shows up, he's not getting a tip!
Now we eat something other than human flesh! Man, that ROTC lieutenant, he sure was tough!
What a...
a...
a...
...what's the word...
MIRACLE!"
See? Toldya Tod Holton had godlike powers. He just thought that the "loaves and fishes" bit was too Old School.
Speaking of godlike powers, here Tod has apparently become a bush, ready for the burning. Or perhaps a shrubbery.
"You can be more useful out here, Tod Holton! Cut down the mightiest tree in the jungle wiiith--
a HERRING!"
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