Thursday 2
Go to a restaurant and order a chicken and an egg. See which comes first.
Friday 3
Yesterday, I eliminated a creative consultant who said my script ideas were "out there." He used two bending fingers to indicate quotation marks. He also lived with only cats as his companions. What good deeds have you performed today?
Saturday 4
Spandex is a comfortable fabric, it really lets your skin breathe.
Sunday 5
A trunk full of cement is worth two in the bucket. I mean,...hold it, scratch this.
Monday 6
Remember - people like a nice pat on the head in the morning.
Tuesday 7
Force air into your lungs by opening your mouth and jerking your head and shoulders forward.
Wednesday 8
"You play golf? I will beat you!"
Thursday 9
Pour detergent all over your front lawn and wait by the window for it to rain.
Friday 10
Think of a piano. Think of the highest note -'ting'! Keep going higher in your mind. How high can you go? Very.
Saturday 11
Talkative neighbors should be convinced to relocate.
Sunday 12
Try folding a piece of paper in equal halves more than 7 times. Hint: it can't be done.
Monday 13
Start a mail-order health club and change your name to Manny.
Tuesday 14
Pretend you're a carnival barker and point at everything with a stick when you talk.
Wednesday 15
Superheroes do not love individuals, they love society as a whole.
Thursday 16
Bring a whistle to the basketball game. Every time you go to blink your eyes, blow the whistle instead.
Friday 17 St. Patrick's Day
It's St. Patrick's Day! For a change, don't just kiss the blarney stone...put it in your mouth!
Saturday 18
Eat, drink and be Mary Tyler Moore.
Sunday 19
Hey, I thought today was yesterday. What gives?
Monday 20
Space Ghost's secret for success: First you get a million dollars and then you fly to Paris, France, and then you corner the world market on burritos...But first you have to get a million dollars.
Tuesday 21
Do one million jumping jacks. Go!
Wednesday 22
Okay...Uh-oh, let's ee. It's Wednesday. Say it like it's spelled: Wed-nes-day. Well, that's not as interesting as i thought it would be.
Thursday 23
Ask for time off from work for National Rifle Association conventions.
Friday 24
Go into your local video store with a strong magnet and wave it around, demand to get free movies.
Saturday 25
Catch phrase...Get one and use it.
Sunday 26
Spring is in the air. You can feel it bump into you when you walk.
Monday 27
Steal something from a thief.
Tuesday 28
Cram a bunch of golf balls into your mouth and tell your boss you have the mumps. If he sends you home, O lucky day!
Wednesday 29
Sing as loud as you can in your head.
Thursday 30
Do you still think fish can't speak? I mean, after all this time?
Friday 31
Get out of your chair, run outside and reach for the sky. You don't have to really reach really far, because it's right there. You can even bend down and get it. So there's no need to strain yourself.