"I have never met Napoleon, but I plan to find the time."--Steely Dan
4/22
EIGHTY EIGHT DEGREES! It didn't get that warm last Summer!
Spring didn't just come late, it appears to have been completely skipped. And the timer on the Green Bomb has been tripped--the runty skunk cabbages of a week ago are the size of small bushes, all the trees have buds except for the ones already growing leaves, & there was even a fiddlehead in the woods today. Those of you in the southern climes, you don't know the Bomb. When it explodes, it explodes over the course of a few days, & 6 months of grey becomes LIFE everywhere. The grass was the desultory, flaccid color of cooked colored linguini a week ago, now it reaches skyward with the dandelions & the daffodils & the baby maple trees that will all soon fall prey to the WORST sign of Spring, The Lawnmower.
In the woods I was passed by the PARK RANGER, which is what it says on his ATV, printed in the shiny, block, stick-on letters one buys in hardware stores for your mailbox. It looks like some grade schooler's lunchbox. Someday I just won't be able to stifle the laugh until after he's passed. And I'll bet that laughing at a park ranger carries a fine.
I also was passed by a trio of kids, 2 on bikes & 1 on those soon-to-be-seen-at-every-tag-sale razor scooters. Those really aren't designed to be used in the woods, & as he passed me he panted "My leg hurts!" 10 minutes later, they were on their way back, 2 on bikes, 1 with a folded scooter on his shoulder.
The tuna can went for $5.50! I cautiously checked my POP mail for eBay mail; the last time I did, Hotmail ignored my prefs & gave me 652! messages, dating back to last June. Instead, I found several fanmails, all from people who evidentally never looked at the bottom of every week's Ob to see my email address. 1 message recommended an odd cartoon from Matchbox, which is amusing in its awfulness. The voices are the best/worst, like the German who sounds like a more effeminate Dieter. "Now is the time on Shprockets vhen ve talk to dolphins!" The dolphin says "Hello, you artless hairless creature in your ugly blue skin!" or such to the hero. Leave the guy in the whirlpool for a few seconds, as it's amusing to hear him loop "WHOA!"
A rejected treatment for the X-Men movie, with a high body count & written by--the author of "The Wonder Boys"?!
4/23
This is my 1st attempt to write in Netscape 6, & I'm unimpressed. You have to move the cursor with the arrow keys, not a mouse click! CLEVER!
The VAIO left from Mailboxes Etc to buy.com today, so I'm back on the fidgety old Pookie. It doesn't like NS4, & NS3 causes crashes. 1 plus to MSIE is that when it crashes, it goes away. NS leaves a fatal-error window that floats over everything forever, until I reboot. CLEVER! If only Opera had an "import bookmarks" feature...
Some kind person said "I did you a favor," & registered inexob.com on NetZero. Umm, thanks, kind person. And I signed you up to join the Marines! I've heard of NetZero; I've had offers not only to host inexob.com, but without any bandwidth fees, & have I done it? The 1st time Yahoo featured the page, it went from 25 hits a week to 10,000 in a day; Cruel Site of the Day gave me 14,000 hits. But when the dust settled, I had 2200-2500 hits a week. This means that 22,500 people decided the inExOb wasn't worth revisiting. This is why I have no swelled head over the site. And 2000 people, that's a hell of a lot of friends! The kind person also suggests that I sell advertising on the page, which to me seems like going over your friend's house & pushing Amway. The Net WILL BE GONE someday soon, when everybody, including Geocities, gets tired of spending money to not make any. I'm just enjoying the ride while the tickets are still free.
Another gorgeous, summery day; another trip to Gay City FUCKING CURSOR! GET DOWN HERE! Fuck, I'm going to have to write in MSIE! That makes me feel dirty! Anyway, umm, I don't know why I brought up the state park. I found a way to get to the White Trail without crossing the heavily-populated beach area, & saw a pair of box turtles sunning themselves on a stump in the lake. Boy, are you thrilled. 1 of the searches today was for history of gay city state park ct, so I guess I'm now some expert. Cut&pasting that last bit made the cursor all fat guy goes nutzoid again, so I guess that I have to save & continue in stinky Exploiter.
I'm back. I hope the kind person doesn't think I'm mad at (gender). At least (gender) stopped anybody else stealing inexob.com, though why you'd steal that, I dunno. Maybe someday 2500 hits a week will seem really huge.
A while back I talked about a recurring dream place, the Mall of Earth, a monstrous, multi-storied mall/housing development/skyscraper that eventually paves over every square inch of the planet. Guess What.
This is the City. I'm a cop. What, do you think I'd changed jobs since Thursday? I wouldn't quit this job if you gave me all the spice girls and free mopeds I could eat, & threw in a birdseye coupon.
I felt so minty fresh that I was singing. "the sun is a mass of incandescant gas, a gigantic nuclear fur-nace!" I felt like one of those turky singer posters, except not Turkish or printed on glossy paper.
My partner, JADH, had his head stuck out of our speeding squad car like a dog. His head smacked into every street sign we passed. He's a tough cop. A good, tough cop. Stupid, though. "Cut that out," I said, "or your face will grow to resemble pics of duchamps work."
"N'est ce pas une voyage into space giant robot!" he yelled. "How much longer till we *KLANG!* OW! Damn Yield sign! Until we reach Dah-Dah?"
He meant The Big Kahuna, The Number One, The qui-gon naboo lung bed himself: Dubya. His colostomy bag was in danger, & only we could save it. Gourd only knows what top secrets Dubya had passed into it, given his proclivity to swallow defense documents cuz he didn't believe in shredders. "A few more--" I paused. *KLANG!* "--hours."
"OW!" said JADH. "Can we stop for *ping!* OW! Nicked me! Food 1st?"
"Best idea I've heard since they invented the mother's day beady buddy. What are you in the mood for?"
*KLANG*! "OW! Hey, Deaf Child At Play! I'd better YELL! I WAS THINKING ABOUT *KLANG!* OW! Whoa, Hospital Zone, I'd better mutter! I was thinking about either magic magnets + chinese, or outback+email urine steak!" *KLANG!*
"Get your head in the car. You're losing brains again. Outback doesn't serve email!" JADH pulled his head in, but he was like a lather rinse repeat jpg; he'd walk barefoot nude snow if it hurt. He started closing the glove compartment on his maleness. "I hear that this OW! makes it bigger! OW!"
"That's only from the swelling! And it's not 'slam,' it's spam enlarge your penis!"
He stopped. "So--can we get Spam then?"
4/24
Blog me, daddy-o!
A woman puts on a "fat suit," & finds the whole world's changed.
Lesbian Seperatist Barbies! This took a really long time to load for me, but at least it did it in a seperate window. Bear in mind when downloading that it's not hilarious, just amusing.
Luna mentioned the Mall of Earth building, and it led to controversy. Lots of interesting debate, except from the guy who started it. Sweet-tempered Luna may think that "madrain" had some good arguments, but I don't. I almost posted myself, at a much less intellectual level than everyone else, asking if he was a troll, 14 years old, or just a fucking shithead, but any member of those groups want to be insulted. It's their way of saying "LOOK AT ME!"
Hey, genius, war doesn't reduce the population by any sizable amount; famine & plague do. If you seriously think that overpopulation requires mass death, charity starts at home. Kill yourself. If you seriously think war would advance humanity, join the army, get stationed in Korea, & massacre some North Korean civilians. Maybe you'll start a war!! And get killed!
If neither option sounds all that pleasant to you...Well, shut up then.
He also babbles something about someone with a different (ie, not retarded) viewpoint "not believing in the holocaust." (Which has no bearing on anything the other guy said) Yah, whatever, fuckhead. You're the 1 advocating holocaust. Oh wait--You are just a sad little troll then, aren't you? "LOOK AT ME!" ...No.
Someday, all humanity will be living in the Mall of Earth, & they won't find it any stranger than anyone living in a city today. The world's population was 1/4 of today's only a lifetime ago, & you don't hear people in California finding it odd that their state has more people than the whole of America did 150 years ago.
I just re-read the debate, & it occurs to me that the whole thing may've started when Luna said "Doesn't this make you want to kill all humans?" My current sig line is Bender from Futurama: "Hey, sexy mama! Wanna kill all humans?" I think she used it, & Mr Stupid Brain Head Person took the funny cartoon robot's comedy line a wee bit too literally.
4/25
I got my b-day gift from Vyn today: a metal lunchboxy thing, covered in old Soviet agitprop pictures. I have it set up so that it looks like Lenin is high-fiving my Ultraman clock. My hula dancer push-puppet is on top of it, as she's wearing a Red skirt & also made by Accoutrements. I thanked her for it.
You've prly seen some of these before, but it's worth it for the ones you haven't.
From the mailbox,2 proofs that Japanese people are wacky:
I guess that there can no longer be any doubt as to whether the Hello Kitty Vibrator was really a vibrator...
...Or that some people find the oddest things sexy.
...And that the world really loves our "know-nothing, fundamentalist fitness freak" President!
4/30
If you wanted proof that the Corporations that own Bush also own the Media, it came when USAToday recounted all 67 Florida counties' votes, & declared Bush the winner--based on 60 of the counties. Add in the 7 they carefully left out, & Gore won. This, like the "We counted 3 times" lie, will be parrotted until every dumbass in America believes it. And I'll bet that the disturbing fact that Florida greatly resembles the elections rigged by Dubya's Poppy's old employer, the CIA becomes underreported.
But who cares that the election was a fraud when you can get a nonspeaking walk-on role on the show "Friends" for only $16,400?
I'm a cop. This is a different city.
You'd have thought that we were getting a willimantic oil change from the looks of it, but that Iffy Lube at the corner of stopshop and colchester was really a front for a secret depository of president bush picturs. We were investigating the terrible terrorist threat to Dubya's colostomy bag. But you know that already.
"Colostomy bag, colostomy bag, colostomy bag." said JADH.
"Will you stop saying that?" I said. "We're undercover! People are looking at you like you have a semi-moron iq!"
JADH said quietly, "Semi-moron iq. Just like my daddy Dubya." He stifled a sob, making it sound like a furby achoo. Even a tough cop, a good tough cop, a good tough senselessly brutal and masochistic psycho cop like JADH has a tender side.
"Worried about your father's droppings, huh?" I comforted. "Well, when we crack this case, you'll feel so good you'll think that you'd slept with emilio estevez!"
We entered the Iffy Lube. We were carefully disguised as siamese twins reba and Shirley, so as not to draw attention to ourselves, unlike the time we pretended to be obnoxious american tourists, and I wore the why yes i am a rocket scientist t-shirt and JADH dressed as dawn wells in a bikini. He stood out too much. He didn't have the body for a bikini.
The "clerk" at the "Iffy Lube" was really an old "CIA" man. I gave the secret password. "+knight +helmet +costume looks like font captain crunch cereal."
The "clerk" looked at me. "I think you want the old CIA guy." Whoops. Turned out the "clerk" was actually a clerk. "He's in the secret room behind the employee lounge."
JADH reached across the counter and grabbed the clerk by the collar, then slammed his face into a Fram oil filter. "NICE TRY, Commie spy! Iffy Lubes don't HAVE employee lounges!" He began rhythmically pounding his face into the wall. This being JADH, of course by "his face" I mean "JADH's own face." I've seen tougher mugs than this clerk break under that sight; in fact I've seen gungan stars crack under the pressure.
This guy didn't crack. He just stared. "Iffy Lubes DO have employee lounges, JADH. This guy's a clerk, not a 'clerk.'"
"Could you stop that damn wall pounding!" yelled a old man with "POPPY" sewn onto his shirt & who looked suspiciously familiar. "Wouldn't be prudent. For the wall."
"Oh, YOU'RE the CIA guy!" yelled JADH. The old man looked peeved, or maybe just constipated. "Read my lips! No calling me that! Uh-uh!"
He took us to a smarmy, weedy little man with a briefcase full of photos. "On the colostomy case, huh?" he said, his little rat-like features scrunching up & looking hungrily at us like we were a pair of cops made up of Swiss cheese. The kind of cheese rats like. Swiss.
"Just the pics, man." I said. He opened the briefcase. "Help yourself! I tooked 'em all myself!"
We each grabbed a handfull. JADH exclaimed, "These are dorf on golf pictures!"
I said "And these are photos of double kk cup! And I thought bras didn't get that big! GROSS!"
"I got a free picture of cartoon breakdancer!" said JADH. "And chinatown sweatshop pictures!"
"You're lucky! This is a nekkid +jpg of asparagus porn!!"
"LUCKY? This open casket memory photo offends me in a way I'll never forget! They couldn't shut the coffin lid cuz the stiff had elephantisis of the testicles!" JADH grabbed this guy by the collar, then slammed his face into a different Fram oil filter. He screamed "You PERVERT! what is cinco de maya the truth!!"
"You couldn't handle the truth!" he yelled back. "Take a closer look at those pictures!"
It wasn't easy, but we did. In every picture, there was a shadowy figure. The same shadowy figure. A shadowy figure smoking a cigarette, with slugs squish feet!
The ratty guy smiled as best he could with an oil filter stuck on his head. "Do you see? The colostomy bag is wanted by slug-footed ALIENS!"
The horrible truth set in. "We'd better get moving, before the villain takes the woman to the sawmill. Beat him up some more, JADH."
"What?!" he squealed. "Why?!"
"No reason." I said. "I just don't like ratty guys."
May Day
For dinner, I boiled some noodles & had goulash. Why? Cuz it's 85 degrees in here & I decided a big cloud of STEAM & a burnt TONGUE would make it more comfortable in here, you JERK!!
From Ribbit! Moore got to the part about creating a life-sized animated re-creation of the Last Supper..."This is something that's never been done before," Moore said. Hey, that park's in the Denver, the other 1's in FL! I'm coming to visit you when these are built, Luna & Vyn! Now if they'd only build 1 in MO...
Religious Right Republican Representatives: They're Really Retardariffic!
That last atricle is from the Strib, James Lilek's paper. He has a couple of updates on his comics page, the bizarre What Has Jerry Wrought? & The Worst Comics Ever. MAKE THE TALKING PIANO GO AWAY, MOMMY!
Speaking of bad comics...Oddball Comics has this. Look, I wasn't old in 1969, but I was alive, & NO ONE said "mod" or "boss" or..."zoovy"?? All men did dress like the guys depicted here. Sure, they were generally found beaten to death outside redneck bars, but, oh yeah, even Nixon dressed like this.
I want a copy of this! It looks like something Tod Holton would read, in between killing the Viet Congses.
Brunching has the Ultimate Web Name Generator.
5/2
ANOTHER schoolchild suspended for vaguely making a gun threat, in our country of minimal gun laws.
Oh, & he rides the "short bus."
And he's THREE.
INEXOB [inexob@c4.com] IS LOOKING FOR: CGI web poll script. Specifically, 1 where I can have the radio voting buttons directly under the candidates jpgs; preferably, 1 that allows voting in multiple categories. If you can find me 1, I will give you credit on my page. Credit on my page can be redeemed for A MAGIC MONKEY that flies you on its back all over the world, gives you free money & tickets to Major Concert Events, & poos on your enemies. Once you get enough page credits.
5/3
So...If retarded toddlers have joined grade schoolers saying "bang" while pointing a French Fry as zero-tolerance gun threats, & trenchcoats are threats, why is it OK to live in a house with guns? If making a threat with no gun is a crime, why is owning a gun without making a threat legal? Let's start suspending kids with gun-toting parents! How many nanoseconds would elapse before the NRA started soiling their Depends over THAT "human rights abuse"?
The USA gets kicked off the UN Human Rights Commision, like it should've a long time ago. Doooon't get me started...
Longtime follower of this dopey page Kirk Israel has offered to make a script for this week's Ob! "I can taste that monkey already." he says. THE MONKEY IS NOT FOR EATING! Just like this 1!
From the null device:
Holy Dig Dug, but this looks cool!
It Had To Happen Eventually: The All-Product Placement Movie.
Cop. City. Running late. It's brief.
"Hey!" said JADH. "USAToday says ""eminem" dies in "car crash"!"
"Mm," I said, reading Good Cop Quarterly. "I'm oh, so happy."
The door at the Iffy Lube's Secret Waiting Room popped open. A fat, pimply 13-year-old with a stained & ripped "Ice Cube" tshirt & the world's most annoying laugh stumbled into the room. "Hey, eeh-ahaheehahee! I got a new lyric!
'I used blunt razor blades to saw off a nun's tits,
Served them fried in shit to Mom as tasty tidbits!
Killed a cute puppy dog just to show that I could,
Then fucked his dead dismembered puppy ass real good!'"
I gritted my teeth. "Another lyrical masterpiece, Eminem. You'll get another Emmy, I'm sure. And maybe a duet with Liberace."
"OH BOY!" the real Slim Shady squealed, as he jumped up & down. "EMMY!"
JADH stared as he left. "That's--the REAL Marshall Mathers? I thought that...Eminem was...dead."
"No, he's 'dead.' You really need to watch your quotes. Everything that the CIA Conspiracy says in the mass media that's really a lie is in 'quotes'."
"Umm...That...kinda makes no sense, Joe. Wouldn't the quotes tip people off?"
"It will when most Americans learn to read, JADH." I went back to Cop Quarterly, & their fascinating article titled "Good Cops: Are We Clenching Our Anuses Tightly Enough?"
5/7
"There's a party going on that's going to change the way we live,
But how do we know we've even been invited?"--Heaven 17, "Crushed By The Wheels of Industry"
I hate disco, yuppies, & the 80s--So why, 20+ years later, do I still love Heaven 17, a yuppie 80s disco group?
Cuz they ROCK & RULE! And they were Brits, so the filthy stain of the 3rd R of the 80s, REAGAN, smears not its rancid mitts on their ouevre or however you spell it.
I grabbed an ancient tape that said "Strawberry Alarm Clock" on it, but I was sure that LAB (Lazy Ass Bill) had taped over it & not noted it; sure enough, it was H17.
"We live so fast!
Motion, motion!
We can't stand still!
Move it, move it!
Get out of our way, it's time to make it happen!"
Happy music for HAB (Happy Ass Bill). An unbelievable 6-week string of gorgeous Mondays, the state park day; the utter joy of my favorite time of the year; and the Green Bomb went off over the last few days--Or, as Karl said, "BLOOM!"
Trees with teeny buds a week ago are insane green, swaying like dancers to a song called "SCREW YOU, WINTER!" Little ferns & fiddleheads & flowers where a week ago was nothing but gray. Sun sun sun as H17 sings "Sunset Now" & a Small White dozes in the World's Most Expensive Cat Bed (a wooden wine crate that originally held 6 bottles of Opus One, which retail at $140 each--it's current contents are immeasurably more valuable). Last night I unwittingly taped a NEW Space Ghost ep that I've yet to watch! My favey show, after The Kill Kill Show!
I'm happy.
I, Bill Young, am fucking happy.
When did THAT happen?!
From Ribbit! Kid suspended for drawing a gun! With a CRAYON. Do I tell too many of these zero-tolerance stories? I hate guns, & this Z-T thing is all about avoiding the REAL problem.
Somebody (at nycap.rr.com) voted 46 times in a row for Jerry van Dyke. This is why we can't have nice things around here! That's not creepy like the still-unknown freak that mirrored the Veep Poll last year so that only KK got votes, but it's kinda pathetic. Jerry Van Dyke, fer gourd's sake. Maybe it's a Republican, bored that there aren't any elections to rig. Especially ones with marginally retarded candidates like JVD or Bushbaby.
BTW, Kick-Ass Kirk has put up a thingie where you can follow the voting without having to read that same damn InEx a million times. Ok, so I'm prly the only 1 doing it, but still.
Kirk has a link to an utterly obsessive Star Wars site. How obsessive? It spends several paragraphs trying to explain why AT-ATs sometimes have red-tinted windshields, and has an enormous page on why Ewoks should be extinct. Without using the phrase "Cuz they SUCK!!" even once.
The Search Engine Story is becoming a pain. Maybe I'll do it later, but don't be surprised if vmm32vxd wasn't found or is damaged on my sitewwwgeocitiescom my white cunt.
What was THAT guy looking for??
5/9
D'OH! I'm kinda smug about the fact that the Head Poll means that I can drag 1 InExOb out over 2 weeks, when it hits me that it's really 3 weeks, & there's no way I have that many ideas, or the site's readers that much patience. So now I need something to pad out the 2nd poll in next week's Ob. And I got squat.
Waitaminnit--(turns around, counts to see if there's at least 7)--OK, there's an idea. A flimsy 1, but I still have a few days to think about it.
Everytime I ask if anyone wants to participate in the Ob, I'm greeted with silence--It's not THAT intimidating a thing, ya know! But if any of you creative writers out there want to write a short "bio" for next week's winners (the link in the last entry shows that there a few obvious winners), drop me a line, or just send me a bio at inexob@c4.com. (cricket noises) Hey, thanks!
And I was worried about Kill Kill weighing 12 lbs. Funniest part is that some people BELIEVED it, and they were NEWS ORGANIZATIONS. Explains a lot about what passes for "truth" in this country, hmm?
The last time we went, it was "In Peace For All Mankind." That stupid hippie Nixon!
prayforgeoregwbush.com. Is this real? Note the poll! Note the pic that looks like we should be praying for an end to Dubya's constipation! Click the link under the pic, & note some of the names of people praying for him! "Reagan's Mom," "embryo," & "iamarebelspy"!
Reading recommendation: Book Happy. Kinda slim at 34 pages of cardstock for $5 ppd, but I received my 6th issue a few days ago. As always it's quite entertaining (note that the editor is Donna Kossy, whose "Kooks" is a must-read). I've just now looked up an url mentioned in an article titled "Bad Poets Society" on Amanda Ros, which looks promising (sorry for wasting your time if it turns out not to be!). I hope to find the entirety of James McIntyre's epic, "Ode on a Mammoth Cheese." Evidentally the Poet McIntyre had a thing for cheese(y) poems, but he waxed like a gouda when confronted with this 7000-lb giant. Final stanza:
"We'ert thou suspended from balloon
You'd cast a shadow even at noon,
Folks would think that it was the moon
About to fall and crush them soon."
That is SO moving.
OK, I read the Ros site. Pretty good, if shorter than I'd like (a good sign!). However, it lead me to this: "Samuel's major work is charmingly entitled Maggots: Or, Poems On Several Subjects, Never Before Handled. Published in 1685, and engagingly illustrated with a picture of the author with a large maggot sitting on his forehead, Maggots takes verse into a brave new world of obscure and ludicrous themes.
Poems such as 'On a Supper of a Stinking Ducks', 'Three Skips of a Louse', 'On The Bear-Fac'd Lady', and 'A Dilalogue Between a Frying-Pan and a Chamber-Pot' demonstrate not only a challenging idea of what a poem should be about, but verse styles which fully live down to their subject matter."
From the "Stinking Ducks" "poem":
O Spirits of Arm-pits, and Essence of Toes! O Hogo of Ulcers, and Hospital Nose! O Devils Dung fragant, and tarrifi'd feather, With Snuff, and with Carrion, Ana, jumbled together!And it ends with maggots!
And here's the 1st Rap song ever!