3/22

My fancy-shmancy new counter for the InExOb that's hopefully going to make up for that itty-shitty MSNBC blue-screen-of-not-counting thing that crashes for days on end has turned up some interesting referrals. Why I get hits from places like the Hello Kitty gun page on which my url appears nowhere, I've no clue. Such as these: A clever blog by Dubya--read the 3/21 entry, then click on the url. The whole thing's purty good.
From the same site. What, would it kill you click on this for once, Mr Smart Person?
Also from SatireWire: Interview with Jeeves.

Make your cat watch TV! NO, I WON'T! Well, maybe Road Warrior, but only if she wants to. This makes me mad--It's like those people that buy cat condos, & get angry cuz the cat still prefers actual interaction with a human to a piece of furniture.
There was a recent article in Science News about the major contributor to Alzheimer's being extensive TV watching. Exercising the brain (by reading or writing or even needlepoint) is as important to long term mental health as exercising the body is to physical health. I've watched Roger Ebert & Futurama so far this week, & it's unlikely I'll watch any more than that hour's worth.

We were speaking of cats at 1 point there, weren't we? I have this weird thing--If I stretch my legs at night, it's very easy for me to pull the muscle in my left leg. The only way to stop the pain is to stand up & put all my weight on my left foot, but the standing-up part hurts even more. I have no tolerance for pain, so this involves a lot of girly "OH GOD! OH GOD!"s. It happened today, while KK watched me from the bed. Normally, if I get up from bed while she's there, she runs into the house to eat or such, & doesn't come back for hours. But as soon as I slid my aching left leg back under the covers, she immediately walked over & laid down on my left foot. It was like a foot massage, & made my whole leg feel sooo much better. I can't sleep on my back though, so after 5 minutes I reluctantly rolled over on my back. She got up, walked over to my face, & laid down with her paw on my arm as if she was holding my hand. Like a little kid concerned when a parent briefly hurts himself.
GAH! Did I just write that?? The guy who used to get mad at the bumper sticker, "Animals are just people in little fur coats"? I always felt that anthropomorphising made animals less, as if they had no right to exist except if they reminded us of human behaviour. I ended a 4-day minivacation today, & KK knew it (if the 1st thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth, she knows I'm going to work, & follows me around trying to get me to pet her or play with her; if I turn the computer on & then brush my teeth, she knows it's a day off, & goes back to sleep). When I get out of the shower on work days she normally jumps onto the bed & lies on her side watching me; today she was already there, moping on the bed in the dark, legs & tail wrapped tight around her, her head on the edge of the bed staring sadly slit-eyed & unmoving at the floor. She only came out when I yelled "Cat treats!" Something like that happens everytime I take more than 2 days off in a row. Another recent Science News article was about how many scientists are now sure that animals have thoughts & feelings, as opposed to the old view that "they're just animals." I think I'm seeing personal proof here.

Ah, yes, it's search day again:

iron chef picks
kitty cole drag [Kitty?  Cole, ie Miss Gunn?  In drag?  but they ARE chix!]
lawman anime [I carry a badge.  I'm a lawman.  I have HUGE eyes, & BIGGER sweat blobs]
vermont fake id law [I'm no lawyer, but I'm guessing...they're ILLEGAL?]
large pics of hello kitty and there html url [Hello Stupid!]
scans + jayne mansfield [I picture someone with a scanner in hand, chasing a bouncing head down the road]
raped screamed [hey, a new unpleasant sex search!  thanks!]
stuff about the moon [this turned up for this week's InEx...I really think that the moon wasn't mentioned, nor its stuff]
popeye drunk [it would explain why he thinks Olive is hot]
about the energy and reaction of the difrent things [way to narrow your search, dude]
And the most disturbing is...
crushing mouse on plexiglass [Christ.  Just go to the pet store & buy a mouse & squish it already, Hannibal]

Why, this is fun! About 10 minutes ago, I noticed the sound of wheels spinning--from behind me. In the courtyard. Which is nowhere near a road.
Some shaven-headed frat-boy-aged idiots were DRIVING A CAR back there. In the rain/freezing rain, into the MUD. There were 3 of them, trying to push it forwards, spinning mud everywhere. "DUDE! Let ME drive!!!" 1 frantically screamed after 5 minutes of me laughing at their "driving on the courtyard sidewalk seemed like a good idea at the time" drunken stupidity.
"They pushed it forwards, they pushed it back. The pushed it sideways, they pushed it all a-wack!" sez Dr Seuss.
The front wheels are now axle-deep in mud. Suddenly, as I was gasping with laughter, begging for frightened KK to come watch this idiotic spectacle, they all bolted in a panic, with 1 running back to this car with the temp license plate to grab a bag of SOMETHING. A woman appeared, barefooted in the freezing rain, & looked around the car. Then LAWMAN ANIME appeared. "HEY!" he shrieked angrily at her, waving his flashlight, as well as his ample gut & balding head. "Are YOU the ONE that called this IN!!!" "Uh, yes," she said, obviously startled by her being the 1 screamed at. "Then WHY are YOU LOOKING AT THE CAR?!" hollered T.J. Hooker, Fat-Assed Cop--IN COLOR! (say, I haven't used that joke in a long time!) Maybe it's the same reason I'M looking at it, jerko? Cuz it's in my BACK YARD?!
Nothing's happened in the last 15 minutes. Too bad I don't have tmw off, as I have the feeling the car'll be gone, without me seeing how. But I'll keep ya posted anyway.
BA-HAHAHAHA! Drunken fratboys are SO STOOPIT!!! BAHAHHAHA!!!

OK, this just in...Some guy just "casually" walked by The Car in the Courtyard (at 1AM in the freezing rain! That's when I do all MY casual walking). And, given his reaction, what with the hopping & skipping & the shoe-scraping, stepped in a major pile of dog shit while staring at the car.
I want this car to be here FOREVER!

1:30AM: Or NOT.
Little watch-cat KK was out in the common hallway, as she often is late at night. Suddenly she runs next to me, looking fearfully at the door. Usually this means "a neighbor coming home," but I don't have any neighbors that come home at 1:30AM on Thursdays...So I quickly shut the door & peep out the peephole. COP. Same buzzcut as 1 of the car-marooning perps, but the perps don't got GUNS. The perps can't use their unreasonable-for-those-that-can't-afford-lawyers powers to barge in. "Uhh, no, officer, it's a vase. A bong-shaped vase..."
So now it's already creepy. What the fuck kinda cop knocks on Everyone's! door at 1:30AM, anyway??

GAH! Mere minutes later, & that same Dog-shit-steppin' Man is directing the cops & their tank-sized tow truck up the courtyard sidewalk to recover the Mud Car. What the hell's going on? Now they're dragging the car out via a tow-chain that must be 30 yards long, with Shit-Stepper at its wheel...What's so important about this car?! I've been viewing this from the bathroom window, BTW...where they'd have really, really to look to see me. Now I'M paranoid!!
What's the deal with the car? And that bag?

I don't know, but believe me, KK got extra Cat Treats for her watch-catting tonight!

3/26

You're disappointed that there was no inExOb--imagine how I feel. Pretty shitty about it. It wasn't for an actual lack of an Ob--someone sent me a 4-page Chinese menu with lots of odd foodstuffs--I just never looked closely enough at it to have anything to say. Cuz I just did not want do the Ob. I spent maybe an hour Sun looking for something, anything, that I could quickly use, but came up empty. I felt really bad about not doing 1; it was the same kind of tense, knotted-gut feeling I'd get when I wouldn't study for a test, or hadn't written a due paper (now you see why my college career was so brief). Then, I just felt depressed. All day.
3 years I've been doing the Ob. That's longer than all but 3 of my jobs. It's really easy to do when I'm inspired, but getting increasingly harder to do when I'm not.

"Man to Man," the 1952 magazine that the Awful Gas Face Man came from, wasn't good enough to deconstruct. It's interesting that it contains a lot of very dated material, like an article titled "Vitamin B12 May Create a Race of SUPERMEN!" or "Sin, Sex & Dope Are Russia's SECRET WEAPONS!" This is a "1st person" account, but it's pretty obviously a fabrication, as is "I Fought JUVENILE DELINQUENCY!" which is accompanied by file photos of middle-aged delinquents, with captions like "'Man, man!' trilled the blonde. 'I'm higher than a giraffe's toupee. I'm high, man high!'" or "'I'm really turned on, man,' said the younger boy [with the deep forehead wrinkles]. 'These squares are really bugged on us!'" People talked like that? On the other hand, it's also full of articles that would fit into a modern tabloid or a Fox TV special. "Psychic Power Can Stop CRIME!" "Are the FLYING SAUCERS Kidnapping Humans?" & most amazingly, an article on what we'd today call global warming. CO2 emissions aren't considered the cause, of course; it's either atom bomb tests or the fact that "Our solar system is part of huge nebula. Is movement of solar system a clue to climate?"

Gah. It's snowing AGAIN. Will winter never end? Jessica told me that admissions to the hospital psych ward have been higher than average ever since last year's gloomy, cold summer. Seasonal Affective Disorder is making everyone more miserable. I should set off a few A-bombs; maybe we'll get some global warming here.

Rental recommendation: Almost Famous. 2 thumbs up from Jess & Bill. Why it didn't get a Best Picture nomination is just further proof that the Oscars are a joke (Gladiator got best effects? They sucked! Was it for digitally reanimating Michael York?). Kate Hudson should've got Best Actress--watch her face in the "case of beer" scene. Everybody in the movie was perfect though, and William's mother is a character I've never seen before. It's also quite refreshing to have a movie with lots of smart people, & they're not treated as nerds to be ridiculed. Plenty of laughs in the movie, but nothing happened that couldn't happen in real life. It's 1 of those rare movies that I'm still thinking about, days later. A few more Oscars for it would've been nice, though; not cuz of the "honor," but so more people would see it. Of course, to some people the Oscars are all-important.

Anyone want to help me buy a computer? Since this 1 is clearly in need of a new hard drive, & I want to get a CD-RW, I might as well upgrade while it still works so that I have a functional back-up (The 486 has no modem, the 166 has no mouse; of the 4 old computers stored here, the most functional is the freaking ADAM!) I'm looking at either a Sony or a Compaq. If you have an opinion, thoughtviper@hotmail.com is waiting. And please, don't say "The Compaq, cuz you can get it in pretty colors!" You know who you are!

Wow, no interesting searches; very few at all, in fact. The closest to bizarre are "jfk jr dead photo" & "pics girl blows nose in toilet-paper." 1 was "mary jane kelly new jersey"--try dialing the phone company.

The Energy Trap: "You can't have an Arctic refuge, cheap gasoline and guzzlers, too. Something has got to give."

Back to the Reagan Years: After 8 years of shrieking about the "liberal bias in the Media," the Media again proves who owns them.

Strange little cat is our Kill Kill. Her new fascination: chamomille tea bags.

For no reason, I searched eBay for "inexplicable" & found only 1 item.

3/27

The cost of the trial of a guy accused of stealing 58 cents is now over $16,000.

From the null device: "Well, The Man may have made it hard to find the latest Britney or Eminem song on Napster, but the fringes of mutant content are still there. You can, for example, find copies of John Trubee's 'Blind Man's Penis' song (the result of sending whacked-out nonsense lyrics to one of those mail-order song-arranging services that operated out of Nashville; crooned over a generic kitsch-country backing in a cowboy drawl)." No need to search for this; you can find it at your old pal Bill's.
I have a CD of these once-common "send us your poem & we'll make it into a song--for a fee" places, called "The Makers of Smooth Music." (Where did I get it? Umm, I forget, but the label is Carnage Press in Northampton, MA) You'd send your inept attempt at a song to MSR Records in Hollywood, & they'd record it with "professional" musicians & press you a few 45s, or collect them on LPs.
I bought the CD expecting the Plan 9 of music--utterly inept song-nonwriters combined with people who I pictured as either "Punch the time clock, make some crap music, go home" types, or embittered "I wanted to be the next Coltrane, but I'm playing background to some trailer trash's brain-dead napkin scribblings! I HATE my life!" And a lot of the times, that's just what you get. The 1st song is named "Do You Know The Difference Between Big Wood & Brush." The diff is that brush fires burn out, but big wood keeps burnin' on. See? It's a metaphor about long term love vs a fling. Typically, this minor insight gets bogged down in really odd, waay too biographical lyrics:

"You may say that this is hearsay, & I don't know what I'm talkin' about;
But listen to this story about my sister & you will soon find out.
Her husband dropped her at the hospital as he had always done, she got off duty & waited for her husband to return...
He had been fairly punctual, in the past, then she looked & saw him in the window glass.
He said he was late, cuz he'd run over a woman's foot."

He runs away with that woman, "Then 1 year & five months later [not a year & a half, a year & 5 months] he called on Thanksgiving night, he called to say he was coming home." If these lyrics sound unsingable, you're right. Then, there's a song that begins with an unstirring version of "Hail to the Chief": "God, in His Infinite Wisdom, put Richard Nixon on this Earth." And that's almost the entirety of the lyrics. A few tracks later, there's a hymn to Jimmy Carter (Both of these tracks turned up in the marijuana documentary "Weed," which is appropriate). There are 3 Disco songs on the CD, not 1 of which is done in a Disco style. My fave is "How Long Are You Staying," which is notable for the Robert Goulet-Lounge Act treatment MSR gives it, as well as it being the only Disco song ever that was dense enough to try to have most of the lines rhyme with the non-word "Disco." Try to think of the words you know that rhyme with "Disco." The only 1 I can come up with is a vegetable shortening, & yes, it gets used quicker than you'd think. I'm going to transcribe it till I can't take it any longer:

Disco disco disco,
I am going to Mount Kisko [sp?]
I am going to buy Crisco
To bake a cake so I can disco disco disco.
Disco disco disco, how long are you staying?
I mostly eat marisco [??] so I can disco disco disco.
Disco disco disco, I am getting tired,
Waiting to get hired, so I can disco disco disco.
If I don't get hired to do disco disco disco,
I will take a gun, & become a Cisco. [HUH?]
Disco disco disco, I am going to get fired,
Disco disco disco, you make me so tired;
Disco disco disco, if I don't get fired,
I am going to jailisco & dance on a wire!
Disco disco disco, if I don't get Crisco
When I get to Mount Kisko, I am going to jailisco
And become [what else] a Cisco--
And then move to Frisco, & become a Cisco
And move to Frisco & disco disco disco!

There were a coupla songs on this that puzzled me. Why were they included? They weren't that awful. On "Beat of the Traps," the musicians really seemed to be enjoying themselves immensely. "The Devil's Daughter" was awful, but the orchestration showed thought & effort. I was listening--really listening--to the CD while making dinner, & the song "Little Rug Bug" came on. Though sung here by a man, it was surely written by a young mother about her 1st baby--bright-eyed rug rat, crawling around looking to explore, as mom sang that dopey song she'd made up, just for him. Ha Ha! That dumb mother loves her baby! That baby, he's prly really happy! This song is so ...so...
WAAAH! She loves her child! This song isn't dumb, it's really sweet, touching &, unlike every product cranked out by the music industry for decades, SINCERE.
I read the liner notes, & yes, that's what they were intending. There were diamonds in this rough. Strange as it sounds, that song made a difference to me. Me, the professional sneerer of the InExOb. Some things can be dumb, but shine like diamonds. It's a standard I hold when doing my sneering now.

I just finished a play-break with my own personal rug bug KK, & I remember where I bought the Smooth Music Cd. Arf! Arf! Unfortunately, they don't seem to have it anymore. Then I found a review of the CDs in the series. Uh-oh, it's from 1998. This in turn led to a page of Song Poem MP3s. Which is good, as I'm getting the feeling the CD is out of print. And, yes, it is, but you can still get the rest in the series, at Forced Exposure, of all places.

THE WEB ROX LIKE BRITNEY'S BOX! That page had a link to the utterly hideous DORA HALL! I can finally find out the story behind her underillustrious career! I KNEW she had to be the Solo Cup Company owner's wife!!

3/29

SHAWT (to the old lady in front of him in line): Hey, what kind of dog do you have?
Old Lady: What?
SHAWT: The back of your coat is covered in dog hair! That happens to me, too!
OL: I don't have a dog! That's MY hair!
Another victim of foot-in-mouth disease.

Wanna get pissed off at Bush some more? Read this!

Searches:
nana-visitor-naked [shouldn't this lead to Nana not-Visitor not-naked?]
chicken foot dominos ["a large chicken foot with pig noses & extra cheese, hold the flying rats' asses"]
cuba info picturs flag [FINALLY I get why it's always New2 that gets this..."I supose next you will be putting picturs of Pat robertson up on them!!" in reference to Satan's toilet paper]
sjoberg fitzgerald [someone's using that new search engine, Dyslexica.com, or looking for a guy named by really cruel parents]
jazz song from the movie darkman [this is only interesting in that I watched that movie for the 1st time in years just this weekend. It's not as good as I remembered, & I don't know what jazz song they're looking for]
+dancing bears +animated +gif [oh, just type in "deadhead page" & you'll be fine]
And the search of the moment IS...
pretty pictchers [Tell me about the pretty pictchers, George!]

4/2

In the weird coincidences dept, I thought that I'd received my Song Poem CDs (see above) in the mail today, but it turned out to be my "Fads & Fallacies in the Name of Science" book, which includes a chapter on Scientology, which was mentioned to me in an email from Australia that I was reading as I was opening it, & the book's by Martin Gardner, who's part of Cscicop that sent me my "I DOUBT IT!" skeptical stickers in the same mail, while Tom from suespammers wrote me about the song poem I quoted:

As chance would have it, I grew up in Mount Kisco -- that's the 
correct spelling. It's a suburb of New York City, about 40 miles 
north of Grand Central Station by train.
I forwarded those song lyrics to my father, who still lives 
there. He took them as a challenge, and returned the following.
>Disco, Disco, Disco,
>I am going to Mount Kisco,
>But if you need to take a piss, go
>There and take the risk-o.
I suppose a poet living in Mount Kisco thinks about this all the time.

Speaking of spam, I got this 1 yesterday:

"Minister Charles Simpson has the power to make you a LEGALLY ORDAINED MINISTER within 48 hours!!!!
BE ORDAINED NOW! As a minister, you will be authorized to perform the rites and ceremonies of the church!! WEDDINGS MARRY your BROTHER, SISTER, or your BEST FRIEND!! Don't settle for being the BEST MAN OR BRIDES' MAID" [WHY would I want to marry my brother or sister? Isn't that illegal?]
"FUNERALS A very hard time for you and your family Don't settle for a minister you don't know!!
BAPTISMS You can say "WELCOME TO THE WORLD!!!! I AM YOUR MINISTER AND YOUR UNCLE!!" What a special way to welcome a child of God." [Make the baby cry as you SCREAM AT IT! No one can do anything to stop you, cuz you're a FUCKING MINISTER now!!]
"FORGIVENESS OF SINS The Catholic Church has practiced the forgiveness of sins for centuries
**Forgiveness of Sins is granted to all who ask in sincerity and willingness to change for the better!! [a willingness to press a FRANKLIN in the minister's HAND doesn't hurt EITHER!]
VISIT CORRECTIONAL FACILITIES Since you will be a Certified Minister, you can visit others in need!! Preach the Word of God to those who have strayed from the flock
WANT TO START YOUR OWN CHURCH?? After your LEGAL ORDINATION, you may start your own congregation!!" [RECRUIT the PRISONERS into your own HOLY ARMY! It's JIHADARRIFIC!]

Maybe I should be a minister after all!

Another thing I got in the mail today was the CDRW StarChaser was kind enough to make of my old KK pics. Sure, I have em uploaded, but now they're safe forever. And I can forever squeal with delight at pics like this, or this! SO CUTE!!! THANKS, StarChaser!!

Hey, if you didn't follow this week's InExLink cuz it's been featured here before, go look again. Dubya teams up with I Dream of Jeannie. CD Norman very quickly added a teeny banner linking back to the Ob, & it's funny since he made it look like a link to the Lung Gong Restaurant.

Really weird Hostess ad at seanbaby: Spiderman vs the Chairman. I was hoping he'd fight Mao Zedong, but this is just as odd.

A really interesting story about a gifted newspaper obituary writer.

Searches:
satan+furby
entering manhood [read those last 2 together; sounds like an After-School Special I'd watch]
fake cartoon tattoos
bacardi cat pics [Bacardi's symbol is a bat. unless you're trying to see an alcoholic puddy tat: "Thufferin' Thirrosis of the Liver!"]
christine aguilera piercing [are you speaking of her voice?]
sitewwwgeocitiescom cartoon dollies [I wonder how some people find ANYthing in their searches]
car +train crash picturs [ahh, good old new2. I always get a search from that mispelling]
the bigget asshole in the world [and now we have a new 1 in "bigget"!]
enlarge penis program crack [OK, what's up with THIS? he wants a crack for a penis enlarging computer program? how would THAT work? if you can fit your weiner into any of the slots in a computer, you REALLY REALLY need enlarging!]
joe mccarthy a fucking liar [he sold me this penis enlarging program!!]
spyhunter game song:

Spyhunter disco disco,
My car will shoot you with a misslo,
Causing you to be blown to bitso,
Crushed like a cookie by Nabisco!
Spyhunter disco disco,
I'm gonna buy a big bottle of Cisco,
Get so drunk that I talk like Sisto,
Then spend the rest of my freakin' life trying to find rhymes for "disco!"

DARTH VADER: "Luke--I am your MINISTER AND YOUR UNCLE!!"

4/3

What's with the Onion? Is it just me, or did it become only sporadically funny a few months ago? Check out "Bereaved? Come Bathe In The Healing Light Of My Cock"! Haha, it's about a guy who uses the words "my cock" a lot! FUCK THAT! That's not funny, it's obvious & stupid & puerile. But, there is this cool interview with John Kricfalusi.

Jen Aside just this instant sent me...no...NO...NOOOOO!...GONTERMANIA!!! NOOOOO!! THERE IS NO GOURD!!

4/4

Like yesterday, I have no real interest in posting (I'm sick sick sick with a cold that's worsening), but here's more crabbiness.

NYC mayor Drooliani appoints Art Decency Committe. "Sliwa - who at 47 is one of the younger commission members - acknowledged that he knew little about art but believes he can contribute. 'I know the difference between a Michelob and a Michelangelo' said Sliwa." He's the founder of the crypto-fascist Guardian Angels...THAT makes him an art critic? The impartial, pro-arts panel includes a rabbi, a bishop, an imam (blow up those Bhuddas!) & Guiliani's personal divorce lawyer.

Wow, everyone has a web site these days! "Threat of the Week" & "How To Be a Mobster" are highlights.

Bush to America: Since you're already drinking arsenic, let's have your kids eat contaminated meat. RADIOACTIVE contaminated meat!