-----------------
Disclaimer - As a long-time 'Observer' of David Gonterman and his 'work', I do not do this through any malice or bitterness or
envy (I do cartoons for a living myself) or lack of anything better to do with my time (this is a relaxing break from a long day chained
to Photoshop doing tone renders).
I do it because it's **FUN**.
Enjoy.
PARODY*FAIR USE*PARODY*FAIR USE*PARODY*FAIR USE*PARODY*FAIR USE*PARODY*FAIR USE*PARODY*FAIR USE*PARODY (hey, I'm just following YOUR rules, Gontie!)
MiStiC Mice
Original story by David 'Roy-Boy' Gonterman
Misted by the Art Slave Feb 2004
>>Mystic Mice—Episode 00
Tom: "Episode infinity"? Uh, this doesn't look good, guys...
Mike: I think that's "double zero", Tom...
Crow: Double the nothing? Sounds like Gonterman to me...
>>(Note: this series is a work of fiction, and is considered legally as Parody.
Crow: '...but known to its friends as 'Total Horsepucky'...if it had any friends...
>> 'Fair Use' rules and “Similarities are purely coincidental” clauses are hereby called.
Mike: ...except when I name names, then 'Libel' is hereby called....
>>Any attempts of legal action for infringement are completely unwarranted.
Tom: Yeah, and Michael Eisner is a modest, humble human being....
>>You don’t know how Davey-kins FoxFire can get.)
Mike: Actually we DO, or we wouldn't be doing this.
(Tom and Crow laugh diabolically)
>>Disney Lawyers thwarted by "Modern Day Mickey and Minnie"
Tom: I thought that was Steve Jobs....
*insert crappy picture here of Mickey-in-industrial-nuclear-spill-accident clone Johnny Briz and 'female' counterpart*
>>Johnny Briz and Sue Traveller, two mice you may be seeing in the future, giving Michael Eisner headaches.
Crow: They stole ALL his Advil!
Mike: Y'know, in the face of a $54bn merger offer by Comcast, I think these two are just a failed fart to Eisner...
>>Dateline: Las Vegas
All: VIVA!
Crow: Kill me.
>>A pair of Weasel lawyers from The Walt Disney Company
Tom: Ah, it's so nice to read IMPARTIAL journalism!
>>went to Las Vegas to investigate a case of copyright infringement on what appeared to be a local costumed character.
Crow: Celine Dion?
>> However, they got more than they expected
Mike: She was doing a double bill with Babs...
>>when they gave free press to what some
Crow: All ONE of him!
>> would consider to be an unofficial mascot to the Underground Disney Magic which got an upsurge thanks to Roy E Disney's
>>departure from the Company's Board of Directors.
Tom: Pick the subject of this sentence for 20 points!
Mike: So Davey is crediting his character's popularity to the tragic dismissal of a man from his family's company?
Crow: Well, THAT'S nice!
>>And the biggest surprise is that, unlike the weasels this character isn't even a cartoon character at all.
Crow: It's a small cardboard box named Hef.
>>His name is Johnny Briz, an actual living breathing field mouse who stands at 2 foot 5 from his hind legs,
Mike:..aaand Davey has DROPPED his meds!
Crow: (makes imitation crowd 'haaaaaaah' noise)
>> and despite having a humanoid build a falsetto voice and a perchance for white gloves and pants with buttons on them, he doesn't
>>look a bit like anything from Disney.
Mike: Disney?....nah, I can't see a resemblance, can you?
Crow: No. None at all none. Nup.
>>grayish body fur soft to the touch
Crow: Oh great, it's turning into a furry yaoi fic...
>>with three spots on his body,
Tom: Thankfully, only TWO are advanced melanoma...
>>off color ears
Tom: Aw, da poor widdle ears. Do dey want to take a nap?
Mike: Stop that.
>>(His right ear is black while the left one is gray),
Mike: I STILL don't see the 'Disney' connection!....
Tom: Mike honey, don't worry about it, okay?
>>green eyes which are rare for a mouse,
Crow: (scoffingly) Oh, they're CONTACTS!
Mike: Don't green eyes mean they're deaf?...
Tom: We wish.
>>and a long mullet of brown hair that goes down his back almost to a black tail.
(shuddering noises from Mike)
Crow: Say whatcha want about Disney, at least Mickey knew to stop with pants and shoes.
>>Johnny’s usual outfit—instead of the infamous red pants—
Tom: How do pants get infamous?
Crow: When they're removed from an intern by a commander in chief?
>>is a vested jumpsuit with red-striped collars and cuffs and a pair of familiarly-placed buttons,
>>black striped shoes, and white gloves.
Mike: Oh, wait! I get it, he's a MOUSE.
Tom: *siiiiiiigh*
Crow: Oh Mike.
*insert nightmare-fuel picture of Johnny giving the closest Gontie can manage of anime shojo twinkly eyes*
>>"I'm a gentle soul and eager to please, I'll be your friend if you give me some cheese."
Crow: Must...listen to....Marilyn Manson...purge...self of....icky...poem...
Tom: Y'know, if THIS is the innermost demon of the 'Internet's Most Dangerous Cartoonist',
I say death is far too merciful.
>>Johnny Briz charms another Disney Convention visitor out of his lunch.
Mike: ..the lunch coming out all over Johnny Briz.
>> There is no doubt that he will not be going hungry anytime soon.
All: Eeeeeuw!
>>Johnny was being introduced to the world by none other than Roy Disney himself during
Crow: - his sixth martini..
>>a local convention he raised in support to the downsized animators and crew members that once worked for the company Roy’s
>>famous uncle founded.
Tom: 'Downsized animators? Does that mean..*snigger*..they only do...?
Crow: Tom, don't.
Tom: - SHORTS?! (cracks up)
>>“I have found this little fella scurrying around this town after following some of the gossip in Vegas,” Roy admitted before a skit to be
>>played in a mock abandoned animation studio.
Mike: Roy was on an allnight bender of bitter remembrance...
Tom: (as Roy) I need a blood sacrifice to sooth my uncle's vengeance-crazed soul.
>> “What surprised me is that not only is he the right height to what Walt saw Mickey Mouse as,
Crow: Yeah well, Walt was a Missouri farm boy, mice grow big as sheep out there!
>>but the two are uncannily similar in nature. This guy’s just as scrappy, talented, and friendly as the 75-year-old icon but with a Generation
>>Y twist,
Mike: They twisted him into a granny knot.
Tom: What was that about 'legal action for infringement is completely unwarranted'?...
>>...and I think you’ll enjoy his company as much as I have.”
>>During this skit,
Crow: Meaning, Roy didn't MEAN to be taken seriously...
>>where some former Disneyland Cast Members visit the staged run-down studio,
>>one of the actors stuffed Mickey’s ‘Goodwill Ambassador’ tuxedo into an old ink bottle.
Crow: (as Cast member) Stupid Goodwill!... I'm living on week-old leftover Fantasyland turkey legs now!!!
Tom: Y'know, call me nuts, but I thought Roy's crowd wanted to SAVE Mickey, not grind him under their heels?...
>>In a flash of blue stardust,
Tom: ART CARNEY!!! AUDREY MEADOWS!!!...
>>the bottle vanished, and Johnny appeared magically in it’s place wearing that same costume to join into the routine.
Crow (singing): Out of the inkwell comes Mickey the Mou-
Mike: Uh, that's 'Johnny', Crow..
Crow (perplexed):...really? You sure?...
Tom: Um... (quiet noises of confusion from all three)
>> If the crowd wasn’t wowed by the mouse’s appearance,
Mike: ..Davey wrote them being hung by the nads by Sonic the Hedgehog...
Crow: Again.
>>they were exceedingly so
Mike: Y'know, I don't like my wowed-ness 'exceeding', do you?
Crow: No no, I prefer to be 'pragmatically' wowed...
>> when Johnny proved his realness
Tom (falsetto): I'm a real live Mascot!
Mike: ..and Amblin's lawyers are unlocking their violin cases as he speaks...
>> when he leaped into the audience in a stage dive,
Tom: And the audience gives the only appropriate response.
Mike: Run.
Crow: Yup.
>>something no hologram, animated film, or Audio-Animatronic can ever do.
Crow (smarmy): What about Muppets? THEY can! What about the Disney characters who walk around the parks? THEY can!!...
Mike: ...I think you've got a point there, Crow!
Tom: Yeah! (to screen) Hey, pull his head off! I bet it's the surly janitor again!!
*insert fetid rendition of Johnny, anonymous man and vaguely Nuku-Nukuish girl in even MORE fetid rendition of an 'animation studio'*
>>Johnny's grand entry into the Con by an improntu skit,
>> just before winning the hearts of the public
>>by trouncing two convention-crashing weasels from The Walt Disney's Company's Legal Team.
Mike: And to think this guy is SaveDisney supporter #488.
Crow: Well, Bluth Studios are gone; if Disney goes down the toilet, who's left for him to plagiarise?
>>They were wowed all the more
Tom: No, I think that was just the salmon mousse.
>> as Johnny’s scrappiness came into play
Mike: That's not the only thing that's scrappy around here..
>> when the two weasels from TWDC’s legal department stormed the stage.
Crow: EXTREME LEGALISE!!
>> Johnny merely told the crew to “keep going” as he proceeded to make the two unwitting weasels part of the act.
Tom: Meanwhile the Weasel Defamation League patiently wait their turn...
>>A series of acrobatic dodges, cartoon-like kicks to the pants and/or head,
Tom: (singing Benny Hill theme)
Mike: 'Cartoon-like' kicks? So they squeak and he has Nerf-feet?
>>animated short,’ as it was being filmed both professionally and by audience camcorders at the time.
Tom: Davey would sue them for copyright infringement later!...
>> The fact that two of the most feared legal force in existence
Crow: Nah, that's SCO...
>>were reduced to utter jokes was an added plus to the crowd,
Crow: See, it IS SCO!
>>as the roaring approval at the end of the skit attested.
Mike: (as crowd) 'THANK GOD IT'S OVERRR!!!!'
>>He was about to be lifted onto the shoulders of the people
Tom: To be carried out and thrown to wolves..
>> to whom Johnny apparently supplanted the 75-year-old animated icon
Crow: Aw, Mickey's GLAD of the break, the papparazzi weren't leaving him alone about the Daisy-Pluto affair...
>> in the hearts of a corporate disenfranchised and disgruntled group.
>>But not before a white blond girl mouse
Crow: Eh, I can see dark roots....
>>in a Minnie Mouse style dress scurried under the crowd to tackle Johnny into a worried embrace
Mike: She's made the 15, the 10, it's a TOUCHDOWN!
>>, crying over the attack he got from the weasels. The girl mouse’s name is Susan Traveller,
Mike:
>>and to everyone’s surprise she’s Johnny Briz’s girlfriend;
Tom: They'd THOUGHT she was Courtney Love...
>>this next gen Mickey even has his own Minnie!!
Crow: Nah, she needs more PIERCING to be Gen Y.
*insert pic of Johnny and Susan (*snigger*..."Susan"..) comparing mullets*
>>"Waaauugh!
Mike: Someone tugged my nose-hairs!....
>> I was so worried, Johnnie!"
Crow: (as Sue) I thought you might actually WIN!
>> "Hey! Take it easy Sue!!"
Crow:(as Johnny) Look, I hardly know her, she SAID she was 18, it's not MINE!...
>>The two rodent lovebirds
Tom: Now there's a violation of nature's laws...
>> sharing the limelight together for the first time in hopefully many.
Mike: ...like Rob Lowe, Princess Diana...
>>Afterward, Johnny Briz and Susan were joined with Roy E. Disney and Adam Packbell,
All: *MASSIVE* groan...
>> a local 20-something that found Johnny and Susan near his home,
Mike: ..where he'd been keeping them in a pit in his basement until their skin was loose enough...
>>formed a more public press release as the film of that skit was being copied, shared, distributed, and on it’s way to file sharing servers
Tom: And millions of Disney-savers IMMEDIATELY converted back to the Eisner camp....
>> While Johnny switched back to his usual outfit
Crow: Oh yeah, the 'Not-at-ALL-like-Mickey' duds...
>>and was eagerly greeting the crowd, mugging the cameras,
Mike: Davey is the master of the Unfortunate Missing Preposition...
>>and in general being his charmy self, Susan was still in her cosplay outfit and shyly stood by the two humans.
Tom: Later, she unwinds in black latex and chains...
>>“My God! Just his first day, and already he’s got Mouseketeers!
Mike: (getting excited, as Adam) we should put his face on every conceivable thing and make millions. We'll call it
'Hello Johnny' and it'll be NOTHING LIKE SANRIO, GENIUS!!!
>> Am I seeing things or are people putting Mullets to Mouse Ears?
Tom: No, you need to go to Kentucky for that.
>> And it's only been two hours, CHEEZE!!”
Mike: The power of CHEEZE!
>> Adam quipped as he chided his small friend against asking for his own park at this time.
Tom: Even Johnny knows pathetically overinflated ego when he sees it...
>> “Personally, I can’t see why he doesn’t get a draw that he’s getting. Ever since Uncle Roy here [Roy tried to protest to being
referred to with the endearing suffix of ‘Uncle,’
Tom: (as Roy) My uncle owns the trademark on 'Uncle', don't go there, Packbell. Or ya gonna sue me too?...
>> but he relented] left the way he left,
Crow: ...what, forced to resign? Yeah, THAT'S an example to exalt...
>> there’s been a gathering crowd of people who wanted a Walt Disney Company in it’s former glory. If not back when Walt was still alive,
Mike: When Michael Eisner was running the company!
>> And if they can’t get the company they’re such fans of to return to the love of it’s youth,
Tom: Did that make any sense at all?
>> they’ll be sure to make it themselves in their own image, as the reception Johnny and Sue here can show.”
Crow: Because NOONE is more qualified to enact massive cross-corporate change and progress than a pathetic,
egotistical hack internet also-ran!
*insert pic of Adam threatening 'Roy'(looking like Gontie's version of 'Stan Lee') with unspecified
rectal probing unless Johnny isn't on 7-11 Gulpers by tomorrow*
>>"ROY! I thought you said that Michael's Marketing Monkeys won't be around here!"
Tom: (as Roy) No! But the Panting Publicity Pumas will!
>>Adam Packbell, Johnny Briz's human friend, shows him and Roy E. Disney something he found being made by some conventioneer:
Crow: The conventioneer then took his medication, and was deeply deeply ashamed..
>> Both Toon-like Mouse and Former Disney Exec--and Walt Disney's nephew--disavow all knowledge of 'Johnny Ears'
Tom: So everyone EXCEPT the Gontie character has SOME integrity and taste.
>>Roy was about to opine about events like the rodent’s appearance did not occur in a vacuum,
Tom: Roy was onto his TENTH highball by then...
>> but “is one of several examples of the reality that, although lawyers and accountants may own the copyrights and the intellectual
Crow: It's 'Gonterman Copyright Law 101'
>> Not before saying that he is not responsible for 'Johnny Ears,' that is.
Mike: (a la the cab in 'Total Recall') "You're wearing Johnny Ears!"
>>However, Roy had to wait to get past the 'Johnny Ears' part, because at the time he was about to get to what he wanted to say,
Mike: ...which was 'Get away from me and my campaign, you drooling fanboy!'
>> Adam had to knock Roy Disney down to keep him from being splattered by what will be discovered to be chemical stun gel paint balls
Mike: I'm not sure chemical paintball is a technically acceptable form of corporate negotiation...
>>Johnny Briz wasted no time in drawing their fire,
Mike: Until they burnt the paper and melted his red crayon...
>>leaping and bounding over anything and everything
Tom: Shoes, tourists, Elvises, hubcaps....
>>around the entire block dodging over 250 rounds of spiked paint balls without even getting as much as a splash on his clothes!!
Crow: Nice to see that Johnny the Mascot Messiah doesn't mind massive collateral damage!
*insert pic of Johnny.....looking like he's performing slalom on a bunch of red matchsticks. Gontie is the only non-13-yr-old-fangirl
in existence who still thinks 'biiii-da!'s are funny.*
>>NOW, do you believe he's not a cartoon character?
All: Duuuuuuuuuuuh.....
>>Some quick thinking by a photographer shows a triple shot of Johnny Briz
Mike:...involving Michael Eisner and a hot tub!
>>dodging some of the over 250 rounds of less-lethal hardware fired at him,
Crow: In case we missed Davie's lovingly-crafted masturbation fodder the first time..
>> performing acrobatic stunts more realistic than anything made by current amusement park technology,
Tom: Leaving the laid-off Imagineers feeling even MORE rejected and disenfranchised!..
>> or even Pixar, for that matter.
All: Oooooooooh!
>>To everyone’s surprise, it was Susan who started the counterattack,
Mike: Susan surprises a LOT, it seems.
>> by squirming away from the badger’s bear hold
Tom: (laughing) So Disney's entire legal team is staffed by the cast of 'Bambi'?!..
>> after whipping out a huge toon-like mallet from out of nowhere,
Crow: Well, her UNDERPANTS, to be precise..
>>and in one swing knocked the weasel out cold enough to gather frost in his body.
Crow (amid chuckles from all): Well THAT metaphor just took a good bite of peyote!...
>> She then lunged at the other two and joined Johnny Briz in rendering all three weasel lawyers unconscious before the Las Vegas
Mike: Johnny only got a month's community service, Susan goes to the chair in August....
>>Other charges, such as multiple assault charges and harassment of Adam and Roy, came within two and a half hours.
Tom: In reality, Roy was just having a horrible horrible dream...
*Insert pic of Gontie showing us that he has yet to move off Paint Shop Pro*
>>Counter Attack by JB and Sue!!
Tom: (as Susan) Can I take something OUT FOR YOU, SIR??!! *SOCK!!*
>>To this day, nobody knows where Susan Traveller, JB's 'Minnie' hid that mallet (Right),
Crow: It's called HAMMERSPACE, do you talk to NO GAMERS AT ALL, DAVEY??
>> but those weasels were sure sorry she did, if they weren't eating Johnny's boot. (Below)
Tom: Then they moved onto his hands, then his tenderloin, then his ribs sauteed in hickory-smoked lime butter...
>>Back in Vegas, a similar response to what happened in the convention
Crow: (makes cricket noises)
>> occurred as news crews from all over Vegas wanted to get some more images of “The People’s Mickey and Minnie” for their reports.
Mike: They needed something other than shots of Roy Horn dying....
>>Afterward, after Roy said what he wanted to state earlier,
Tom: His official disavowal of this entire sordid affair.
>> about Disney Magic being Public Domain and inviting anyone to make their own,
Mike: So THIS is Disney Magic, right here! Hey guys, we're part of the Magic!
>> he thanked Johnny and Adam on their way to their home, which was requested not to be listed,
Tom: Said request was used as toilet paper!
>> and offered to help them out as much as he can.
Crow: FIFTEEN highballs and counting!...
>>Michael Eisner gave no comment as he accompanied the bailing out of the three toon lawyers,
Tom:..other than 'Who drew you? I thought I'd fired them all!...'
>>outside of the fact that Johnny has in fact fallen under Fair Use laws,
Crow: ..and that the general Disney fanship WOULD know utter shite when they see it...
>>but went short of apologizing to the two mice and Adam for the actions of the weasels: "The Walt Disney Company just doesn’t go
Tom: Every THIRTY-SOMETHING kid who doesn't know WHEN to quit, though...
>> Who do you think we are, the RIAA?
Tom (patronisingly): Naaaaw, you're the company that threatened a pre-school with legal action for putting Disney
characters on their walls, why you're practically a SAINT, Michael!..
>> I doubt that I'd—err, we’d have any more customers buying my—err, our 3-D movies, going to our parks, and so on, if I—err, we
Mike: Why not, works for everyone else....
>>However, other board members of the company
Mike: This sentiment was unanimously echoed by the distinctly NON-anonymous entire human race.
*insert pic of Johnny reenacting the Darwin Award where someone got stoned, fell asleep on the roof and rolled off, falling 4
stories to their death. I can dream, can't I?...*
>>None of the three gave any comment when Adam was reached the following morning,
Tom: ...answering the door in a 'Sally Acorn' tshirt covered in mysterious stains and a severe attack of face...
>> earlier this day, on their way to grab some snacks near his home,
Crow: Cuz, y'know, the story is just hollow unless we know exactly where in proximity to Adam's home snacks may be
purchased...
>>as Johnny Briz and Susan wait--at times on the roof like in this picture--for what their popularity among the underground of Disney
Mike: Or hungry ospreys, whichever comes first...
>>----Jenny McArthy, [Lifestyle reporter of the] Las Vegas Stripline [Newspaper]
Tom: David Gonterman. Drew Rhine. Never seen in the same place together. Think about it.
>> You can visit FoxFire Studios of Saint Louis at http://foxfire.twu.net .
Mike: You can also insert pencils up your nose and attempt to initial your septum. In fact, we RECOMMEND that rather than
visit Foxfire...
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Disclaimer - I am also a fervent supporter of Roy Disney's savedisney campaign. As such, and on behalf of all other Disneysavers
(including the hundreds of laid-off Disney artists who actually have TALENT), we
disavow all association with the author of above and make it absolutely known that we unanimously reject any attempt by some plagiarized
Bluth secondary character AND his deluded adoptive Walt-wannabe to oust our beloved Mickey in our collective hearts
and consciousness. In fact, we are currently planning a new campaign - Roy's society of No-Daveys.
------------
Mike: And not be called 'Susan'....
Tom: Oh, wait..
Crow: Oh god, self-insertion rash breaking out....!
>>all over the world.
Crow: (nervously) Er, Mike..
Tom: Mike! State of Clear!
Mike: Sorry. I'm okay...
Mike: (as Adam) You wanna go back in the pit? Huh? I still need a standard lamp, MOUSE!...
>>at least to the renaissance of the 1980s and early 90s.
Tom: *makes error buzz noise* The Davey Inconsistency Meter shows-?
Crow: 50!
Mike: I think he was asking for a bagel...
>> Mickey Mouse Ears half-painted gray with a brown wig attached.
>>property apparently until the end of time, the Magic that Walt Disney discovered and shared to the public is and always will be Public
>>Domain.”
Mike: Is this gonna be on the test?....
Crow: Some people think out loud, Davey TYPES out loud...
>>fired by the two weasels wielding paint guns, as a third charged the stand to snatch Susan in bear-like arms, saying that “We at
>>Disney have enough of these two!!”
Tom:..aaand Davey joins Eisner in being the TWO people most loathed by former Disney employees...
>> The same wasn’t said for parts of the crowd, however, as some bystanders had to be hospitalized by the flying substance.
Tom: No!
Crow: Peanuts!
Mike: What was the question again?
Mike: GOOD one, Mr Disney Lover!
Tom: Bad move, pal, Steve can distort the very fabric of time and space!...
Crow: Not to mention, JL's shirts can blind at 100 yards!
Crow: I think they're all still stunned by the choice of 'Susan' for her name...
Mike: In cartoons, that IS nowhere...
>>Police took them away on public disturbance charges.
Crow: (as Johnny) Would you like any 'SLAW or BISCUITS with your ORDER, MA'AM!!?? *ZOWIE*!!
Tom: I don't know you.
Mike: Let's just pray he never tries l33t-speak....
Crow: Aw, but I wanted to be field-stripped and dipped in cyanide mayonnaise in a crappy Gontie revenge-fic!...
Tom: Sorry...
Crow: Crud.
Mike: Got the stinger missiles, Crow?
Crow: Actually, I changed my mind, I'm going for the sarin gas/dog poop-in newspaper combo....
Mike: Nice...
>>after every 13-year-old kid who makes their own Disney-like character.
>>tried to improve our financial circumstances through litigation."
Crow: Obviously Davey never heard of the Van Beuren Studios. And that was when Walt was ALIVE!...
>>anonymously commented that they will consider further action, if any, to be taken against ‘those two mulleted Mickey and Minnie
>>wanna bes’ and ‘that lame punk brat in flyover country’, derogatorily referring to Johnny, Susan, and Adam.
>>Fandom bring to them.
Tom: Well, once Davey piped up, the underground emptied pretty quickly....
>>Mystic Mice #00 (of an ongoing text and picture series) ©2004 David Gonterman, all rights reserved. Johnny Briz ©2004
>>David Gonterman. Susan Traveller ©2004 Drew Rhine.
Crow: Won't you?