Predicting the future these days seems a pretty good way to make sure your own future is pretty pleasant; everything from clairvoyance to astrology is big business now. Out of 1750 newspapers in America, 1230 have daily astrology columns; in Paris there is one future-predictor for every 120 citizens (as opposed to one doctor for every 513). Seeing a need unfulfilled here at SWHS [South Windsor High School], I leap forward bravely to fill the void: To help you plan your future, I herein give you the future as some leading, really-and-truly psychics believe it will be (on the whole, it's pretty depressing, with worlds collapsing and such. Underline these gory passages and use them as excuses not to do homework).
I'll take the clairvoyants in alphabetical order (how's that for a stroke of originality?), and skip their predictions that have already been proved wrong or right, as the future is what we're interested in here.
[This is based on an article in "the People's Almanac" published earlier in the year, though I didn't identify my source.]
First on the list is Malcom Bessant, who claims that "in a few years, New York will be uninhabitable." Must be a typographical error there; "a few years ago" would've been more accurate. He also predicts war with Red China by 1979, as do a surprisingly large number of psychics (I've got a great deal on fallout shelters here...)
David Bubar--who happens to be on of those chaps arrested in connection with that firebombing of the sponge-rubber plant in Shelton--
[An area insurance fraud scam that was major news at the time. Bubar was a con man on 2 fronts!]
comes up with some real pieces of comedy, like "space travel will be guided with invisible rays;" "antibiotics consumed by present day peoples will cause the people of the 1980s to become grotesquely tall" (good. I like basketball more than most sports anyway); we and the Russians will try to colonize the Moon, with "lunar police actions" resulting; "A new, superior human species will be developed outside of the female body" (outside of the female body? Where's the fun in that? At least for a change I hope they'll be grotesquely short); US and USSR scientists will invent a gadget that looks like either a "flashlight or aerosol can" and will make people invisible (this guy's got a hang up on invisibility; he's been watching too many episodes of "Gemini Man" [a TV show running that season with an Invisible Man who took off his clothes to fight crime--believe me, this was an obscure reference even while the show was still on the air]; and, finally, people will use astral projection to conduct business ("We can't start the meeting without Mr. Gorgo!" "Here he comes now, floating down through the ceiling.") [If Bubar's psychic career hadn't been cut short by a prison term, I'm sure that today he'd be saying that what he was REALLY predicting here was teleconferencing and speakerphones] All of this will happen by the year 2000. Like hell it will.
I should save this next guy, Criswell, for the end, sort of like the punchline to the end of a joke. In this year, Hawaii will be wiped out by tidal waves and earthquakes. But you might as well spend your vacation there anyway, as in 1977 the tides will end, a plague will start, ships will run aground, and no rain will fall for 10 months, which will cause people to migrate to Antartica in search of water. When rain does come, huge floods wil result. But be happy you're not in Switzerland, which will boil when a huge volcano rises in its center. "The next three years will be peaceful." What's there left to fight about?
"In 1978, Lake Michigan will be drained for land use." Why not try something easier, like draining Lake Erie? They wouldn't even needs pumps. Throw on a match and it'd burn to the ground. [9 years earlier, Lake Erie was so polluted that a part of it actually CAUGHT ON FIRE and BURNED for a week! True Fact!]
"By 1980, New York will be underwater." Well, they had to put Lake Michigan somewhere. But even if New York is flooded, don't go to Pennsylvania--an outbreak of cannabalism will take place there (urp!).
"On February 11, 1981, a foreign power will attempt to bomb the US with atomic weapons. The attack will fail, but 50 people in Vermont will be killed." As far as I can figure, the attack fails because the missiles run out of fuel, and the Vermonters are crushed beneath them when they fall.
In 1982 (ready for this one? Hee hee hee) the "dying planet Bullanon" will pass so close to the Earth that the Poles will shift, a lost continent will rise, cities will be destroyed, and yet another plague will start. Criswell's a barrel of laughs.
In 1983, in St. Louis, all the women will lose their hair, which will grow back after a period of divorces, suicides and massacres, "mainly of hairdressers."
Somehow, in 1988-89, clouds of aphrodisiac will float over America, and a similar substance will get into the water and heating systems. The populace will be overcome with "sexual craziness." "Sex will be performed in the streets of Hollywood" (sounds like modern California) [In retrospect, it sounds like the late 70s] and the Secretary of State "will be caught in acts of perversion" (I guess that Kissinger will still be around then). Well, finally this guy gives a reason to go on living! This I'll look forward to!
Around this time Earth will be visited "by beings from other planets." Probably to get some of that crazy Hollywood air.
London, in 1988, will be destroyed by a meteor; Denver will be wiped out by "pressure" from outer space; and Mexico City will sink into a lake. I have the feeling that Criswell works in a suburban real estate office and is trying to drum up business. (by the way, Washington DC will be moved to caverns under Wichita, Kansas. I don't blame them; sounds like a good place to hide).
The world will end on August 18, 1999 [EDITOR'S NOTE: it didn't] when a "black rainbow" will eat up all our oxygen and hurl the Earth into the Sun. So much for Criswell (humor him, boys, the men in white coats will be here in a few minutes).
Irene Hughes gives us an all-out nuclear war for 1993. "However, the war will not completely destroy the world." There'll be some great beach-front property on the 56th floor of the Empire State Building (if you're interested, call this number and ask for Criswell). By 2026, "people will be very happy, freer than today" and "full of good will." Not to mention radioactivity.
Ann Jensen says "California will not fall in the ocean in 1990" (I could've predicted that). She also says that a planet will be found "that is very beautiful," with "trees, vegetation, strange fruits" (Criswell! How'd you get up here?). If the planet's named "Bullanon," I don't want to hear anything more about it.
Richard McClintic--whom claims that he can see through walls--says that "there will be devices to reverse gravity and read peoples' thoughts." Shaped like flashlights, maybe? He also predicts that people "will be grown in nurseries." Most people I know have enough trouble with African violets, never mind people. [Everyone remembers Pet Rocks as a 70s fad, but NO ONE remembers when everyone's Mom tried raising African violets. Possibly because the Pet Rocks lived, and the violets didn't] "This will take place at least 500 years from now." That's a hell of a safe prediction--The world will turn to Jello in the year 3000! So what if I'm wrong? You'll never know.
Shawn Robbins predicts America and Russia will go to war over China in 1977; China being H-bombed and losing the war. Between November 12 and 25, 1989, America will again be at war with China (really has it in for the Chinese, doesn't she? Must be working on the theory that half an hour after you attack, you'll be hungry for power again).
To wrap things up we have--a committee! Yes, folks, a psychic committee from Berkely, who announce that "on May 26, 1977, there will be the start of a short war" between, of all people, Russia and Greenland. "Nuclear torpedoes will be used." This is all about fishing rights, mind you (Greenland? Greenland?!).
"During 1978, China will instigate an internal uprising in Afghanistan." That'll ruin my day.
[Note to pyschic believers: Russia invaded in '79, and 12 years later, it really was a bad thing. But the "psychics" weren't even close enough to get a cigar. And they missed 9/11 COMPLETELY. A sane person would say that this was Proof Positive that "psychic powers" never existed. Are you a sane person yet?]
In 1978-79, "an avatar will appear--not from India." Good. If there's one thing I hate, it's an Indian avatar. [Billy had no clue what "avatar" meant, but neither did his classmates, so the joke worked]
Well, kiddies, there you have it, the Brave New World of the future. So look forward happily from underneath your bed and be glad you don't live in Pennsylvania or Red China. And if you see the Earth falling into the Sun because of a "Black Rainbow," don't say I didn't warn you.