INEXPLICABLE OBJECT OF THE WEEK
Week of 5/20/01:
WEEK 160
HEAD TO HEAD COMBAT
"Guh-LUBB!"
"Hello, sports fans! I'm Tonguey, and we're here at the fabulous--and very cheaply rented--RockCats Stadium in beautiful New Britain, Connecticut, to bring you the final round in this really, really long Horrible Heads contest!
With me in the control booth is Bill the Splut!"
"Hello, InExOb fans! I'm the purveyor of human misery who makes this page, which becomes a bigger pain in my ass with every passing week. And that's my own drivers license picture there, so I'm sure that you'll agree that I have every right to be doing a Horrible Heads tribute.
And down on the field, we have our color commentator,
Bloated Gas Pain Man!"
"AAARRRGGHH!!!
I ate 5 friggin' chili dogs with onions and peppers, and my guts feel like there's a pack of prairie dogs diggin' around down there! AAARRGGHH!!! JESUS CHRIST! If I don't get some friggin' Maalox, I think I'll EXPLODE!"
"My, but that WAS colorful commentary!"
"And the contestants are entering the field--But only ONE will leave!"
Sample, Susan RMV
Citizen, Jane Doe
Doe, Jane
Brown Robert M
Discover, The, Spirit
William Shatner--ON ACID!
Jerry Van Dyke
"Who do you think will win? I have to go with Jane Doe Citizen, given how much her head resembles a slab of meat like mine! Guh-lubb!"
"AAARRRGGHH! This ain't no beauty contest this time, this is combat to the death! Man alive, that giant anchovy pizza I ate with that pitcher of Pabst Blue Ribbon is making me feel like I'm in a battle to the death with my lower intestines! BURRRRP! The only undefeated champion here is William Shatner, with decades of experience as Captain Kirk, beating up fakey-looking aliens!"
"Never underestimate the pure evil that is Jerry Van Dyke.
There's the opening gun, and the combatants aren't jumping into this--They're circling each other, everyone waiting for someone else to make the first move--"
"MR TAMBOURINE MAAAAAN!!"
"AAARRRGGHH! My fuckin' EARS! Everyone is writhing in pain from that sonic blast of Shatner singing! Brilliant opening move by Shatner! Watch him mop the floor with these crum-bums!"
"Suddenly--someoneisthere--attheturnstile--Thhhhe girl with kaLEIdoscope--EYESSSSSS!"
"What the hey! He's not attacking, he's still singing! And now he's dancin' round like some kinda space fairy!"
"Ahh, but you forget--this is Shatner ON ACID! He's probably going to be a bit unpredictable."
"Jane Doe has taken advantage of the chaos to grab Susan Sample by the hair!"
"GRR!"
"Oh dearie, NO!"
"SHIT AND SHINOLA! Her hair CAME OFF! It was a WIG! I don't believe it! It wasn't her real hair AT ALL!"
"You're...not very observant, are you, Bloated Gas Pain Man?"
"EEEK! My secret is out!"
*thump*
"Susan Sample has died of embarrassment! Our first casualty! Now everyone is entering the fray!"
"Shatner is on Jane Doe like flies on my ass the day after I eat Mexican! He's beating her brutally with his classic Kirk two-handed karate chop!"
"YOU--TOUCHED--THATSWEETWOMAN'S--TOUPEE! YOU MUST--DIIIIE!!!"
"Guh-LUBB! This is terrible to watch! It's like some nightmarish cross between the movie Fight Club and the Hair Club For Men! Jane is DOWN! In his berserk rage, Shatner has turned towards Robert Brown!"
"BACK OFF, man! I know Kung Fu! I've seen like every Bruce Lee movie like ten times!"
"KHAAAAAN!!!!"
"HAIKEEBA!!"
"AAARRGGHH! That damn hippie kid is throwing kicks like nobody's business! The mighty Shatner is reeling like he hasn't since he was on Triskelion! A tiny trickle of blood is coming out of the corner of his mouth, like it always does in a Kirk fight!"
"Shatner dodges, Brown misses his kick and falls, and--OUCH! He's fallen on his bong, and it's gone straight through his solar plexus!"
"AARRGGH! I know that feeling! It's called 'Buy 10 Burritos Get 10 Free Night' at Taco Bell!"
"I'm...dying...without ever having achieved my life-long goal...of having sex with Daisy Duke! I guess it's true...All we are is...dust in the wind! Dude!"
"What's Jane Citizen doing?"
"She's removing her dentures, and preparing to throw them like they were a grenade! Wait--Those aren't dentures! It's a mouth-sized bear trap! She's brought a foreign object into the ring! She's throwing them--"
*CHOMP!*
"EEEEEAAARRRGGHHH!"
"It's bitten a huge chunk from Van Dyke's very large forehead! He's leaking brains all over the place, and it's not like he had them to spare in the first place! Jerry Van Dyke--IS DEAD!"
"HOORAY!!!"
"Golly gee whiz! This sure is some super-duper carnage! Time to mix it up--PERKY STYLE! PERKY PRINCESS MUSHROOM HAIR, ATTACK!"
"JESUS H CHRIST! She's charging Jane Citizen like a rhino, with that freakin' mop of hair of hers so lacquered with hairspray that it's like a battering ram!"
*WHAM!*
"OOF!"
"Jane's down, and being severely bitten! Oh, the irony! Jane is helpless without her teeth, and Discover, The, Spirit has more teeth than an Osmond Family reunion!"
"LOOK for the GIRL withthesuninhereyes--And she's GONE!!"
"Guh-lub! Looks like Shatner's gone all trippy-dippy again--"
"MWA-HAHAHAHA!!"
"WHAT THE FUCK?!"
"This is IMPOSSIBLE! Van Dyke had a fatal head wound, and now he's completely healed!"
"HOLY CHRIST! He's lifting Shatner up over his head--I never woulda guessed Van Dyke had such strength!"
*CRACK!*
"AAAAAHHHH!!!"
"Oh my Gourd! He--he snapped Shatner's spine like it was a twig! A cheap little Big Lots twig!"
"Now he's racing across the field towards the last two combatants at an INHUMAN speed! Guh-LUBB! And his fingernails just grew into foot-long TALONS!"
"EEEAAARRRGGHH!"
"He speared the poor woman like a SHISH KEBAB! And that's the worst way for a piece of meat to go, believe me!"
"There's something SERIOUSLY WRONG here!"
"BASTARD! Just try to kill me, YOU FUCK!
Tee-hee!"
"She's battering Van Dyke with her hair, and--GAH! He's shooting FLAMES out of his NOSE like some vile demon! Spirit's hairspray has ignited! She's as crispy as a piece of Kentucky Fried Extra Perky!"
"Oh, dark day! JERRY VAN DYKE stands triumphant! And my gas bloating is worse than ever!"
"MWA-HAHAHAHA!! PHASE ONE is over! Now I shall ENSLAVE ALL MANKIND! MWA-HAHAHA!!"
"I got a ba-a-ad feeling about this!"
"ARRGGHH! You won't BELIEVE who just walked onto the field! JESUS H CHRIST!"
"Who is it? Meatsicle Boy?"
"The hideous reanimated corpse of Perry Como?"
"Dammit! I just TOLD you who! JESUS H CHRIST!!"
"Hey, dudes! How's it hangin'?"
SQUIRREL:
"God hates fags!"
"Guh-lub! You were close with that reanimated corpse guess, Bill!"
"So...it's Jesus Christ. And his talking squirrel. Funny how THAT never made it into the Bible."
"Yeah, they left lotsa stuff out. I found this lil guy dead in the road on the way here, so I resurrected him, made him able to talk, and programmed him to recite the Book of Leviticus."
SQUIRREL:
"Wear clothing made from two kinds of fabric and you'll go to Hell!"
"Why exactly did you feel the need for a squirrel reanimation project anyway?"
"Just as a goof. There's another thing they leave out of the Bible. My family has a really good sense of humor. I mean, look at the platypus! What was my Dad ON?! Or the Book of Leviticus! Dad tells Moses, 'Hey, wait, there's like...two or three hundred more Commandments I forgot the last time.' Then he just makes all this crazy crap up! And Moses is all, 'Uh-huh, go to Hell if you eat grapes that fall on the ground, gotcha'! He doesn't even get it when he's on like page 100 of 'How to Make Fun of Lepers.' I mean, all these Born Agains insist on a literal interpretation of the Bible, like the 'God hates Fags' stuff in Leviticus, but they're eating their Easter ham while wearing a poly/cotton blend shirt, and they're going to HELL because that's in Leviticus, too! AH-HAHAHA! Maybe you have to be the Messiah to get it, but believe me, it's SO FUNNY!"
SQUIRREL:
"Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head!"
"HAHAHA! You go to Hell if you wear a MULLET!"
"That one actually makes sense!
Dear Jesus H, I am afflicted with a terrible case of--"
"The farts, I know. I'm the Son of God, what, I wouldn't know that? The phrase 'You stink to high heaven,' we made that up about you, you know. Let me layest my healing hands uponest thou..."
(Jesus balls up His fist, sucker-punches Bloated Gas Pain Man in the gut. A loud expulsion of gas is heard)
"I'M CURED! The gas has left my body!!"
"GAG! CHOKE!!
YOU'RE okay, but what about us?! We're the ones downwind! Hoo-WHEEE!"
"Count yourself lucky! I've got a TONGUE for a nose, and I can TASTE what he smells like!!"
"Is there some reason why you've blessed us--literally--with Your presence here today?"
"Oh, boy oh boy, why am I here? Jesus H Me, couldn't tell ya. Maybe you should ask Mister Van Dyke. Or should I say--
MISTER THE ANTICHRIST?!"
"BUSTED!"
(Lasers shoot from Jesus' eyes, burning into Jerry Vantichrist's cold, empty heart)
"They left my laser eyes out of the Bible too, and that's my favorite power."
"You...gasp...may have...destroyed me, and my plan to conquer the Earth for Satan...But I STILL won the InExPoll!"
"Oooh, LIAR! Some freakazoid stuffed the ballot box for you! Here are the REAL results!"
"What a world, what a world!"
(withers away)
"Well, as long as I'm here, I'll be the Amazing Resurrecto and reanimate the REAL winner!
BIBBITY-BOBBITY-BOO!"
"You'll go to Hell if you have sex during the menstrual cycle!"
"Hey! All You did was put that stupid squirrel's soul in her!"
"Ha ha ha! I crack me up!!"
INEXPLICABLE LINKS OF WEEK
Thanks to Mopsy for the link! Thanks to MOPSY!
Big Bertha Nation
I looked at this one for over an HOUR and I still have no clue what he's going on about...
Thanks to Vegard Valberg for the link!
©2001 Bill Young