7/31

What, you thought you could leave here ALIVE without seeing pics of my darling new & faster pussycat, Kill Kill? Think again, me bucko.

Take your daughter to work day.

You're never too young to start! Just remember: Friends don't let friends drink & hack up hairballs.

8/3

So, like this guy, he's like dumb & stuff, an' he goes an'
Ahh, my heart ain't in this. KITTY! I wanna just blah blah blah on & on about my new soulmate, Kill Kill. Now that she's not doing her purr machine thing, I have a hand free to type about her.

1st night home went spendidly--by night's end she'd twice purred herself to sleep in my lap. I finally went to bed at 3:45AM. About an hour later, I got up to use the litter box--err, you know what I mean--& she started into HOWLING. She ran around the bedroom berzerk, shoving her head under my sneakers & everything else...Looking for Mommy, I guess. After 15 minutes, she wasn't any better, so I gave up & went back to bed hoping that she'd get over it. She has. Yesterday I foolishly left the digicam on the table behind me with the strap hanging down--she clawed at it until it fell on her head. Granted, it doesn't weigh much, but she prly weighs only a third of that. She ran under the kitchen bed (yes, there's a bed in my kitchen, what of it? It's where I throw stuff. I cleaned it off last Nov, & at the bottom was a calendar from 1996). Worried parent that I am, I coaxed her out. She was ok, just spooked. But this seemed to really trigger some bonding instinct, as she climbed past my lap to my chin to nuzzle & purr. See? I'm not so sarcastic or cynical that I can't appreciate some cuteness. And it's good to have someone to fill the void left when That Girl so abruptly dumped me.

Things I've learned from Kill Kill in the last few days:

Everything is a toy! Except for things that are beds! Things that are beds are also toys! Except litter boxes! Those are toys & beds & litter boxes!!
She gets the litter box idea, but she cries once she's pooped cuz there's now poops in her lounge furniture. She's very good at wide-field litter dispersal.

Other interesting beds: Bathroom floor, bathroom scale, slippers.

Humans have legs cuz it makes them easier to climb!
I hope our heatwave is really & truly over. I can't wear shorts around KK. Last night was the worst; she kept scaling me like a cliff face while I was cutting up chicken for dinner. I knew from the way she kept staring at the monitor that it was only a matter of time before she investigated the source...



Kitten on the keys. Funniest part: in her traipsing across the keyboard she managed to minimize the window of the program I was in. I'm lucky she isn't long enough yet to hit ctrl-alt-del.

8/4

OK, OK, I'll try to restrain the kitten contributions for a while.

Person comes into the store today, looking for Sapporo, a Japanese beer.k (that rogue 'k' actually was a kitten contribution--she's stepping on the keyboard again) He says that the last time he was in the store, 'the guy' said he'd order it for him. But when he was next here, the beer wasn't. 'The guy' said that no one had told him to order it. "Oh yeah, I said. Then what's this piece of paper taped to the register? This 1 that says 'Order Sapporo'? The guy just played dumb!" The he went to grab a beer, & when he got to the register he told Jason that the last time he was in the store, he asked 'the guy' if he had Sapporo & "He said 'Yeah, we got that!' & he went & he got a Coors Light Silver Bullet! Not the same thing, man, not the same thing!"
Well--Points for creativity. As none of it was true.

OK, that's not so much funny as pathological. Jess & I went to a movie Sun, a collection of TV commercials from around the world. A highlight was from Holland. A conservative couple & their 2 daughters (about 8 & 10 years old) get into the car. The radio comes on with a song that has 1 repeated lyric: "I wanna fuck you in the ass, I wanna fuck you in the ass..." The couple begins to smile & soon all 4 are boppin'away to that infectious techno beat. They drive away & the title comes on the screen: "Want to learn to speak English?"

8/5

Writing this is rapidly becoming an unwelcome chore.

8/6

"Biiiilly! Time to do your chores!"
grumble grumble
HIM: "Where's the Michelob Light?" ME: "Over here. What do you want? It comes in 6s, 12s, 18s, & 30s." HIM: "I want the 12 ounce size." ME: "No, I mean what size package--6, 12, 18, or 30?" "What's the regular size? 12 ounces?" ME (giving up & pointing to it through the glass cooler door): "Here's the 6 pack." HIM (reaches for it): *CLUNK* "I suppose it would help if I opened the door."

8/7

3 Day Weekend!!
The last time I had 1, I felt like I was coming down with something, so I took echanaecia. Which made me sleep in 15-hour increments, so I spent the 3 days in bed. That may be the case this weekend, too. I was hauling a handtruck's worth of Corona 12-packs over the 6-inch step at the cooler door. There must've been spilt beer from semi-empties on the floor, cuz my feet shot out from under me like I was on wet ice. I fell on the base of my spine, the handtruck fell on my knee. We'll see how mobile I am tomorrow. It wouldn't've hurt so much if I'd been hauling Corona Light! GET IT?!
Shut up. I'm in pain, so there's no reason you shouldn't be too.

Decipher This Dept: HER: Do you have those things? The lights that come in packages?

The Inexplicable Is Everywhere Dept: I took the deposit to the bank & parked next to a small Jeep-like vehicle with a windshield, but no side or rear windows or roof. Hanging from the rearview were 5 Pine-Tree air fresheners. I guess he had to open that many to smell them. Of course, since the air was fresh already, these were more like air stinkeners.

8/11

Good gourd, but it's hard to type 1-handed.
No, I'm not surfing a porn site as I write this. Kill Kill's on my shoulder in her preferred ecstatic-purr position. 1 hand is required to support her butt.
*whew* She just jumped down & re-entered Pscho Kitty (qu'est que c'est!) mode. Let the rampaging begin!
Umm...There isn't any SHAWT action here tonight. Nothing beyond the usual import happened (like 2 different people thinking that "chardonnay" is a brand name...yeah, & so is "car." You lookin' Kia or Caddy? There *is* a difference). I was going to blow it off when I saw my 1st pure-SHAWT fan mail in my guestbook! From a week ago, but there hasn't been an entry there since May, so I don't look more than once a week. HEY, Melodie! What up! Nice reply to my "If you could train a monkey, what would you train it to do?" question: "I already have trained a monkey - to sign my paycheck each week." So now I know where 1 of those AOL hits is coming from, in my loyal fanbase of about a dozen. If I could only get that Florida woman to decloak & say whether or not she's That Person...
At any rate, I have nothing SHAWTful to add so you will be subjected to kitten trivia.

THINGS THAT ARE TOYS
Subcategory: IT'S ON THE FLOOR
Peach Pit RATING: A-
Abused so heartily, it broke in half. This doubles its latent toyocity--now there's twice as many & it fits in the mouth!

Plum Pit: C+
Doesn't rattle like peach pit.

Old Mouse Ball: B-
Well, it's as close to a mouse as I hope KK ever gets. Nice rough surface gives good claw profile, but poor sustained roll.

Floating Eyeball Ball: C
Opposite of above.

Toilet Paper Inner Thing: D-
Only fun when combined with rolling around on plastic bag. I don't know why.

Cork: C+
Nice erratic roll, but no sustain.

Cat Ring (carpet covered circle on base with dangly dingle ball in the middle): A++!!
Well, thank gourd the only toy that was expensive gets lots of use. Best thing to go spastic on in the WHOLE WORLD!! All 3 & 1/2 rooms of the World!

Laundry Basket: A-
Good jumping platform to Ring or Bill. A door's cut in it, so it's fun to crawl inside & forget how to get out.

Garbage Twist Tie: B
It changes shape when you chew it! Ahhh, it's a T-1000 liquid metal thing!

Jingly Catnip Mouse on Boingy Elastic: D-
Bo-o-o-riiiing. What, do you think I was born yesterday? I'm a jaded 8 week old!

Jingly Catnip Mouse on Boingy Elastic attached to plastic hook that used to hold a ceiling plant: A+
KILL! DESTROY THE EVIL MENACE! JINGLE THIS, SUCKER!!

Bags: A++
PAPER BAGS! Climb in! Jump on! Drag around floor! Ahhh, paper bags! Paper baaaags!

Litter Scoop: B+
You can bat it, bite it, & ride it like a see-saw! And as a plus no other toy has, IT SMELLS LIKE CAT DOODY & PEEPEE!! How cool is THAT!

Smelly Socks: B-
Snaggable with claws, & will do when Litter Scoop is clean.

Dismembered Mr Potato Head Nose: B+
I know there's a Pot Head here somewhere, maybe under the kitchen bed, since KK got his nose. Too bad it wasn't his ear; we'd have a good Blue Velvet riff going.

AND THE NUMBER ONE TOY ON THE FLOOR IS:

Bill's feet! Bill's feet!! BILL'S FEET!!!
If Dick Tracy ever needs a new villian, here I am. Scarfoot.

Runners Up:
Anything not listed above that's on the floor.

Remember, I did say that I wasn't going to put anything here if nothing worth relating happened.
However, you could go read this, although it lacks the verisimulitude of the SHAWT.

8/14

Where's Descartes When You Need Him? Dept: Woman wants a case of Molson Ice lugged out to her car for her & I comply. She pays for it, then sees me & says with a start "Is that you?" I Lug, Therefore I Am.

I'd Hate To See Your Checkbook Dept: SHAWT: I've got 20 empties in this bag, & 12 more here, so I've got 24.

We All Have Our Priorities Dept: I logged on a bit late tonight, as I waited for the huge thunderstorm I drove home in to pass. At its driving-rain/quarter-mile-visibility worst, a car in front of me went to the car wash. No, you wash your car to make it start raining, not to stop it.

8/17

Hey, I got some fan mail from some flounders!

Just a note to let you know that with the site,
you've managed to keep 5 IBM interns in Vermont
*really* entertained for the better part of the summer.
(yes, we're just that bored...)
SHAWT is particularly dear to me--
when waiting tables, a common introduction would be
"Hi, my name is Eily, I'll be your lapdog of Satan for the evening,
what can I get for you?"
6 months of this, and 1 person smiled, 3 blinked.
Everyone else ignored it/me completely...

so, thanks,

-Eily, Meg, Damon, Amy, and Ralph

8/18

I was the only person in the store when a woman asked me "Do I pay you for this?" No, go to the construction site across the street & pay that guy in the bulldozer.
As usual, I had this pre-written in my head when I came home tonight--and what should I find in my SHAWT page hitfile but a visit from this! They must want their money.

8/19

Here's an exchange I tire of: ME: No, we're out of that, but our main store might have it--
SHAWT: I don't wanna drive all the way over there!!
You'd think the other store was in the Yukon. How torturous a trip is it? Judge for yourself. Check Exhibit A. I'd say they overestimate the time the trip takes by about 3 minutes.

8/20

ME (to a SHAWT with empties): How many do you have?
SHAWT: I have some Mikes, some Becks, & I don't know what's in the bag--She didn't tell us what she was drinking.
He then went up to the Lotto machine & asked "What time to you have to turn these in by? What is the cost?" Really, you can't grasp in text how just plain odd this guy was. He had no accent, but with his very nasal voice, tendency to say "Yaaaah" a lot, & odd sentence structures, it seemed like he'd been dropped off the Mother Ship from planet Tralfamashawt. "Speak to me of your 'Lotto,' Earth Creature! Is the prize of greatness paid in dollars, or can I get it in zlarggs?" He asked Chris for a "Rieeeeeesling." "Do you want Late Harvest Riesling or Johannesburg Riesling?" Blank look, then "Rieeeeeesling." Guess that's all that was listed in the English/Alien Phrase Book. Maybe he wanted Reese's Pieces?

I like to think that Kill Kill is a smart cat, but she seems selective in her learning curve. She learned the litter box very young, but still scatters the stuff everywhere; she knows what 'milk' means, despite hearing it once a day, but doesn't recognize "NO!" despite hearing it every time she tries to mangle me (BTW, she's doing just that now). There are a few things she's done that I would've thought beyond her ability. I've mentioned the 1st time she walked on the keyboard & minimized the window, but she's also brought up message boxes & even started the scanner scanning. She can untie my shoelaces, usually while I'm tying the opposite shoe (maybe she's trying to tell me "Don't go to work, stay home & plaaay!" I'd love to, dear, I'd love to, but that's how Surrogate Mommy puts Friskies on the table). Last night I was making Turkeyburger Helper (why, yes--I'm a bachelor, how did you guess?) & she stared at it while it boiled, as steam fascinates her. I was engrossed in a chat with Kitty (a person, not a cat) when KK started going "Eep eep! Eeep eeep eeep!!" I'd forgotten to turn the heat down on the pasta! Man, she's like Lassie the Psychic Dog! "Eep eep!" "What's that, girl? Dad's been hurt in Bad Rock Canyon?" "Eep eep eeep!!" "OH, Dad's baking a lemon meringue pie, but forgot to remove the yolks from the eggs? Good girl, Killassie! You've saved the 4 star restaurant again!"

8/21

Well, I can type now that my pulse rate has slowed since KK's latest bout of self-mutilation has passed. The catnip mouse/plant hanger thing was so chewed up on the hanger end that it snagged on her belly hair, causing her to yowl MOST frighteningly. A couple weeks ago she took a dive off the kitchen bed into a very hard box & ripped some fur off her neck. She's ok, but she worries me. Yesterday I brought home a Magic Hat beer box to KK-proof the power strip. These boxes have handle-holes, so I can run cords in & out & still seal the box. They're made odd; they're glued in a way that you can fold them flat without tearing them apart. I put it on the cat carrier Jess lent me that KK loves to play with (she'll be less enthused with its presence when she finds out Monday that it's here to taxi her to the vet for her shots...That'll be *FUN* I'm sure). She immediately knocked the box off the carrier & climbed on it. The thing began to fold in under her 2 pounds of weight, & she started pawing at the inside. I looked away until I heard shtooomp. No Kill Kill to be seen. I guess it really is a magic box; it sure performed the Amazing Disappearing Kitten Trick well enough. Then the box became possessed & began racing under its own power across the floor, moving her supper dish halfway across the kitchen before it clanged into the dishwasher. 2 little white paws poked out, followed by a little white head. KK popped out & calmly licked her paws, which is Cat for "I meant to do that." She avoided the Box That Ate Me the rest of the night, but I notice that's its been moved across the kitchen since this morning & shows evidence of someone climbing into the folding part. Then again, as soon as she was free of the tummy-tangling plant hook, she went right back & played with it some more.

An Old Man Surprisingly Without A Hat was in today. I missed a few details of this & was too busy to follow up, so I can only assume that the pile of loose cash he placed on the counter sans wallet led to the conversation he had with Chris about his driver's license being taken away from him because of "a little accident." Yeah, little, I'm like so sure. He was 78, so he prly forced a busload of orphans off a cliff when he changed lanes without looking with his blinker pointing at the same wrong lane it'd been pointing at for 37 miles. "I'm gonna fight this all the way!" sez Citizen Geezer. He then took his booze & walked away. "Oh, sir?" asked Chris, pointing at the counter. He'd left his wad of $200 or so there. Good observational skilz there, Grampy. Hope on the day of your big court appearance you remember to change out of your jammies 1st.

Little girl, at the prodding of a slightly older sibling: "My brother wants to know if you have any Pokemon cards!"
No, but we have Pokemon Vodka! Gotta Catch A Buzz!

And here KK goes again, jumping on the Magic Hat box...

8/24

This doesn't quite make the InExOb grade, so I'll put it here.
For a while I lived in Willimantic, CT, a town I described as "churches & liquor stores." Not funny if you've never been there, but pretty accurate if you have. In fact, I lived on Church St, which, despite the name, was residential. Except for the 2 churches & the liquor store. 1 church was Spanish, the church of the "Pronto Vienne Christ" or something. I translated it as the Church of the Quick Vienna Sausage Christ, but that could be inaccurate.
Currently I work in a town that's rapidly becoming auto parts stores & pizza parlors. There's an Acme next door (specializing in car parts & anvils), & an Auto Zone being built right across the street & a quarter-mile from a Parts America that opened last week. Them's a lotta parts! Today we were given coupons for the latest pizza place, Pizza Time. Not a very inspiring name, but way better than the next-to-latest, Pizza Police. Now, that sounds inviting, hmm? Me, I'm gonna open a chain called Grinder Gestapo. Instead of their logo being some fat Italian chef with a pointy moustache, they have an ANGRY cop, running as he blows his whistle & carries a pizza like a billy club. Don't order the New York-style Haitian pizza unless you like pepperroni where the sun don't shine, if you catch my drift (hey, this part is InExOb material! I'd better keep an eye out for their flyers). Anyway, Pizza Time has a pizza called "Chicken Time" (geddit? All their pizzas have "time" in the description--I wonder if Pizza police has 1 called "Doing Time." Say, do you think they list donuts as a topping?)--ANYway, Chicken Time specifies that it uses "boneless chicken." Duh. Gimme extra cheese & a few drumsticks on mine, OK?

If you're on my Legends of Rock mini-spam list you've seen this, but for the rest of you--and posterity--here is a very odd spam I received today. I'm not sure why it exists, & neither will you if click on the link.

Lists.removal, email:  loganwar@bigfoot.com  with subject 
delete


 As Joe enterd the room there was a large snake wraped arround
 Zeny, "Zora let the little girl go we have a deal and I am not
going to break my promise" Joe screemed. "look Joe I do not wish 
to waste any more time, you give me monka right now or the girl
dies"
Zora

 replied and looked at the large snake,  the snake lifted his
head and opend its mouth to bite Zeny, a flame appeard and struck
the snake right in to its mouth. Everybody in the room was
screeming and shivering with the fear, then princess appeared in human form
and every one fell under the spell of her mismerizing beauty
inspite of fear.

 Zora looked at her and said " I have nothing to do with you
please mind your own business and just walk away while you can".  "Oh,
but it is my business, we still have score to settle remember, last time I
 walked away because I had sheesh to lose, but now since he is
gone

 I have nothing to lose and by the way your dream of becoming
the Queen of sheesh's kingdom is going to be just a dreem, because
you are not going to get the Monka" said princess..and launched an attack
 taking Zora down, blood and venum was flying allaround Joe and
the
 others, some times they would fight as human and some times as
 snakes.

 Joe took Zeny and others out of the room, hoping and praying
that princess would win.

 Read this beautifll story of love,courage,sacrefice and
vengence, full
 of action,romance and much much more. A story about bright side
of the snake kingdom.

 click
here to order

 Thank your.....thanks..

8/25

I say "Hi" to a woman walking in the store & she says "Hi, how are you." She takes 2 more steps, the spins & snaps: "What, no one ever says 'How are you'? You're looking at me crosseyed!" Actually, at this point I was looking at her like she was an asshole. People always talk about how "stressed" they are, but I really think that the average American lives such a pampered, risk-free existence that they've lost the capability to differentiate between "life-threatening" and "minor inconvenience." Go to Kosovo, lady, & we'll see how important someone not assuming you're asking a rhetorical question seems when you're IDing family members at a mass grave. Me, I treat minor annoyances as minor annoyances. But of course, I've worked in retail all my life, so when soemone's rude, lazy or stupid I know that they're just average.
She went to the end of a line long enough that normally I immediately would've walked up to help. But I kept on doing what I was doing--I mean, I wouldn't want to rung up by someone crosseyed, would you? They might give me the wrong change.

This isn't funny, but it is disgusting. I relate this story cuz it's ceased to be a story & now is an ongoing saga--of HORROR!!
2 weeks ago the FATTEST housefly ever seen by eyes of mortal men flew in here. It wasn't moving too fast, so I assumed it was going to the big dumpster in the sky soon. Kill Kill & I chased it for a bit, & then it landed by the lamp by my computer. Not owning any bug spray, I gave it a good dose of window cleaner (think how lively you'd be if you showered in Windex). I grabbed a paper towel to kill it, then got another 1 to mop up the cleaner. The cleaner was swimming with tiny maggots. THAT'S why the fly was so fat...
Pretty gross, but I got them all, except 1 that crawled into my computer (my hardware has bugs! Ha ha ha....ha...). I thought, Is there anywhere else that thing could've spewed any more little treats? Just the sink, but all the dishes in it are soaking in antibacterial soap, or the litter box, but it's full of the super-clumping litter that'll dry them out, so either way, they're dead. Not to worry.
A week later I hear CRASH from the other room--KK's knocked over my foot-tall Godzilla (the Japanese Godzilla, not the boring American 1). No big deal--until I look down at Godzilla's foot & see a maggot crawling along, 1 bigger than the 1s spewed out earlier. I look to its right & a pile of the monsters in a bag of dirt. Bag of dirt?! You see, when grapes start to go mushy, I put them on the window sill to turn into raisins. This is now something I don't do--the "dirt" was what the maggots had left of the last bag of grapes. So out comes the Wrath of Gourd on this 2nd infestation.
Last night there were maggots on the ceiling.
Tonight, there were even MORE maggots on the ceiling. WHERE ARE THEY COMING FROM?! I don't see any transistional wall-maggots. I don't see anything they could be IN down here, & BELIEVE ME--I've looked. Is there a rotting corpse in my attic? It's like I'm living in the Amityville Horror Condo here.
The "Amityville Horror" really was based on a true story, & right here in my home state of CT, too. No, the ghosts & goblins parts wasn't true, but there was a house bought by a couple in which someone had been murdered. They couldn't keep up with the mortgage payments, so they conspired with the convicted murderer to make up this "haunted" crap that "possessed" him to kill. He tried to get out of his sentence using their lies. What scares you more, ghosts & goblins, or the fact that there are people so morally dead that they'll let a murderer go free so they don't have to declare bankruptcy?

8/26

SHAWT: "My daughter made me this drink--it had vodka, lemonade, & something else in it. Do you know what the 3rd thing was?" Yeah, & I also know what you did last summer, Total Stranger.

There's been a partial solving of the Great Ceiling Maggot Mystery (MAGGOT: "And we would've gotten away with it if it weren't for those meddling kids!"). I asked Rudy about it, & he said the same thing happened to him once--they're not maggots, but mealworms. Which is just about as unattractive a word as maggots, but they're really caterpillars. Thus the ceiling climbing--they're looking for aplace to coccoon. But where are the damned things coming from? It's not like I'm storing rotting burlap sacks of grain in here.
Ah-HA!! Way in the back of the most unused of the cupboards--a bag of sunflower seeds so old I can't remember how old they are! I do recall them as being so hideously salty as to be inedible. How come salt dissolves slugs but these critters thrive on it? Well, thrive on it in the dumpster, boys.

Why do we get a much stronger negative reaction to "maggot" than we do to "housefly"? Maggots you can squish easier & are usually not found landing on your McNuggets. If you were at a picnic & saw a big fat maggot land on your potato salad, would you shoo it off & eat it anyway? Maybe if we started calling them "Big Fat Flying Maggots" we'd feel different.

8/28

A shuffling, tooothless, dirty & nearly incoherent guy wanted--what else--Bukoff. Except he called it "Boofuck," which actually isn't too bad a description of it.

Guinness Pub Draft comes in a can with a "widget" in it, which releases NO2 into the beer to make it foam up like a tapped beer. Foam like a rabid weasel, in fact. A guy was looking for some, but I said that we'd been cleaned out earlier. "They must be going to the same party we are," he said, "no glass allowed!" I'd like to go there just to watch idiots try drinking Pub Drafts from the can, foam squirting out of their noses...

Splat! The familiar sound of a dropping bottle. I go to get the mop, but when I get to the scene of the crime, the guy's taking his 22oz Heineken up to the front counter, & sucking the foaming beer off of the capped but broken neck as he goes. He should go to that Guinness party!

Shoulda Been An InExOb: Sign reading "Oil Change Lube Filter $16.92". In front of a Chinese restaurant. Be careful which buffet line you get in; that black stuff may not be soy sauce. Care for some Moo Goo Gai Fram?
I guess they got tired of jokes like that, so they moved the sign off their front yard & back next door to the lube place. And me without my camera...