11/29

Well, I tried to put something here last night, though more from a sense of obligation than need. But Geo wouldn't let me in.
No loss. I still have nothing to say.
Umm, let's see...Frank's Nursery & Crafts, a chain store, was the 1st to put out a Christmas-themed ad this year. At least I think the theme is "Christmas," as the ad features a song to the tune of "Carol of the Bells" that includes the inexplicable line "Elves are dear, big balls or small." OOOkay. Maybe it's "X"-mas? Perhaps they're singing about Sodomy the InEx Lawn Gnome?
Sodomy the fawn-fucker, BTW, lost the election. We have yet to discover what fucker did win. It looks like it's going to be the guy who ran as "The Uniter," the 1 who was going to "work together with Republicans & Democrats." OOOkay. Nice non-partisan job so far. Even better than the impeachment. On that same subject, Luna sent this. It will prly be the next InExLink. This was the previous front-runner, especially cuz of this little Atari gif of The King dying on his throne.

Kill Kill is an endless amusement, & I haven't talked about her in a while so Guess What. She made a little nest in the comforter the other day. This is easy to do, as the thing's so old all the stitches are gone, & the down collects in great clumps. KK shaped 1 into a big bowl & snoozed in it, along with a toy she'd dragged in with her, just like a little girl with her teddy bear. SOOO CUUUTE!!! OK, I guess I'm anthropomorphising again. But she's also just this week learned to recognize my car when I get home at night. Out of a hundred or so cars that pass by that window every day. And she does it at night, & right at the time I get home every day, around 8:20PM. As soon as she sees my car (she can't see me, as I drive home on the left), she leaps from the window in the direction of the door. Knowing my car & the time I get home, is that possible for a cat? It doesn't seem possible to me...
At the window a few days ago I pointed & said "Look at the kitty out there!" in reference to an outside cat that prly wasn't too happy about being 1, as it was 45 out & raining. KK heard only "Kitty out" & ran to the door to Go Out. To the common hallway, which is as much of the outside world as I wish her to experience. Before she moved in, I read a cat book that said that indoor cats live 15 years, & outdoor cats 10. I need this little white friend for as long as possible.

That horrible Cherry 2000 star has a page. The Web should not be TV!

I think I was going to write about something else, but I forget. I haven't eaten in 24 hours & prly should.

11/30

"Online entertainment company Icebox.com will eliminate half its staff as it strives to become profitable by the end of next year." I guess that's why we haven't seen a new Hard Drinkin' Lincoln in so long.

Random Crap:

Remember my trip to Northampton? At 1 point, we went to Turn It Up, a used CD store. Jay & I were left leaning on the walls while KMDS listened to a pile of CDs. I had enough time to note that there were 20 people in the store & all, excluding Kevin & us, were dressed in black. Cuz they're nonconformists, you know. As soon as I pointed this out, another person came in, wearing a black miniskirt, black nylons, & a black pumps. He was a he. Not a sweet transvestite in the sense of "wanting to look like a woman," but a guy looking like a guy in a dress. As this was Noho, no one reacted in any way...

We then ate at a Mexican restaurant. Not some Taco Smell or faux burbie place, but a restaurant staffed & owned by Mexicans, in the bitter cold of New England. They serve huge burritos that you can barely finish in a sitting. The music was Latin of course, but it took me a while to Name That Tune. It was a Mexican version of "Fiddler on the Roof." Wha?!

I used to watch The Learning Channel & Discovery a lot. I like documentaries. TLC 1st came to my attention 10 years ago when I scanned the TV section & saw that they were showing something called "Insect Life of the North." Yes, it was about Canadian bugs.
A coupla weeks ago I checked to see what was on TLC & DISC, as the cable guide calls them. Why I checked, I dunno. TLC has become a vile purveyor on superstitious crap like Fox's "Ancient Prophecies." But in the same Sunday time slot, DISC was showing "SATAN in the Suburbs" & TLC "The Secret World of Monster Trucks." Discovery & Learning at their finest.

Anybody want to do the InExOb? The Atari 2600 box that so fascinates KK fascinates me too. There's a dozen pictures on it of Average Atari Users playing Average Atari Games. The pics bear little relation to the games (ie, a woman enthusiastically grabbing her hubby's arm while he plays EVERYbody's 2600 fave, the "Cart That Taught BASIC Programming, the Programs of Which You Couldn't Save"). That "You Tell Me" thing with Bush's rotting facial pustule was a dry run for this; but given the high Moron Level that that thing generated...Let's make this an Us Only Game, hokay? Email me if you think it sounds like fun (inexob@c4.com). The box is going to be not-fun to scan, but if you guys are interested (even 1 or 2 of you), I'll scan the pics & post them on 1 of my pages for us to Sublimely Mock.

Ugh. ANOTHER 24 hours with no food. But for me, food is only an option. It's my metabolism. KK is napping after her...dinner. Do I have the only cat that, when given catnip, does not roll around in it & get all nutty, but instead EATS it & gets all nappy?

Latest in the "Hits from domains that aren't there": infinity-insurance.com. Man! I could use insurance unto infinity! So long as there's a refund if I'm not infinitely satisfied.
("Hits from domains that aren't there": I get the hits from them, but I can't get to them using their urls. What are these things? Sure, I get hit by gothpoodle.com, but I can't get TO gothpoodle. But know it's there. The Ob also gets weekly hits from "lucasfilm.com" & "pixar.com." And I'm REALLY sure that those domains exist.)

12/2

From Pigdog: Exactly who is Bush.V.3 fucking with the election? Answer: His Secretary of State! LITERALLY.
The page takes a looong time to load, & it's all text. But it's worth it, so keep reading.

12/3

The InExOb didn't come out too bad, given that it was mentally written at 1AM Fri night while eating animal crackers. I didn't use, but uploaded, this image, of the mating habits of mutant am-inals. It's all 1 cookie, & I ate it today. Or this, from the Big Lots flyer. Ha ha, & I only have NORMAL lint to shave! It seemed really really funny at 1AM. But so does just about anything.

DYKEWATCH! has been discontinued. Big Lots keeps using the same 4 pics of JVDyke. Either they were too cheap to pay for more than 1 day's photoshoot, or JVD really DID expire on 11/19/00.

I have more to say, but after 5 minutes I find that I no longer want to write this. Goodbye!

OK, so I didn't go goodbye! but checked what was the top word searched for on the New & archived Ob pages.

"nana visitor naked"
"3 liter chivas regal"
"vermont fake id"
"lucy peanuts woman women"
"fucking+britny"
"pug cross bred"
"no xmas bonus"
"noid dominos"
"30 pack bud"
"hotmail server down"
"jpg dukakis tank"
"uboat picture"
"britney spears eats tuna"
"swapped wives"
"remember the maine drawings 1898"
"wendall l willkie"
"gee mrpeabody"
"winnie the pooh insane mp3 -winamp -playlist"
"dawn wells naked"
"spyhunter music theme compose"
"locust car"
"flies buzzing sound effect" 
"price of conveyer belt chain"
"dawn wells naked"  (that one's popular!)
"stink juice"
"alcoholics anonymous works because"
"jeremiah was a bullfrog  joy to the world"
"fattest human pics"
"lemon pulp + contraceptive"

12/4

Funny joke!
Another funny joke! (though it helps to be a fan of both the Beatles & old Marvel comics)

Mystery Woman has moved out. She was in the condo below, which is being rented out by the owners. She appeared in Oct 99, moving in on a Sun. She woke me up that morning, & I thought, So much for sleeping in today. They'll be moving in for hours. I fell asleep & awoke realizing that she'd spent a whole 10 minutes moving in. Huh?? 10 minutes? It'd take me a day just to bring in the LPs & CDs.
Later that night, I was watching Futurama & heard an odd sound. Muting the TV, I realized that it was snoring. Coming not from her bedroom, but the living room. Was she sleeping on a cot? Yeah...I guess she was...No wonder it took 10 minutes. A suitcase & a cot.
She had Missouri license plates on a car bought in Michigan. I figured that she was a retail manager farmed into a store at the Mall of Death for Xmas (if you really want to make your "Take this job & shove it!" episode count in retail, you do it just before the holidays). Soon I realized that she worked 3rd shift. She'd relocated 1200 miles to work 3rd shift?
She's gone, so the mystery of what she did for a living will remain unsolved (I don't talk to my neighbors; I didn't move here for the social life). Professional hitwoman, maybe. Her car was packed solid with her stuff--a TV, suitcases, blankets. Her car was a 4-door sedan. It would take a tractor-trailer to move 14 years worth of accumulated crap out of my hole.
The owners rent to nice, quiet, respectful people, a category Your Humble Author likes to include himself in. Usually they're college women, as the wife-owner is a professor at UConn in women's studies, with a "Goddess Bless" bumper sticker. Infinitely preferable to men of the same age, like the guy across the hall who can be heard guzzling beer on the weekends with his bros & screaming, "OH FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!" at football or Playstation games. Hopefully, my luck will hold, & no Horrible Mutate will move in downstairs.

Star Chaser Tyger assures me that he's seen an actual Big Lots TV ad, with the dreaded demonspawn Jerry Van "actually moving around and looking -way- too happy over the things he was buying." One can only wonder what late-nite cable-access channel showed that extravaganza.

12/5

I read a take on the 100 Greatest Pop Song List, the 10 Worst Pop Songs, which led me to think on the subject myself. There are huge gaps in my knowledge of pop music. I stopped listening at 14 when I discovered Classical music. Most of my exposure to pop music is through radios at work. So there's prly a lot of utter crap I've never heard. THANK GOURD.

• Michael Bolton, "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay"
  This is the musical equivalent of the TV-movie remake of "Casablanca," when the Bogart role was essayed by the Blonde Guy from "Starsky & Hutch." Did you know that Otis Redding died the day after he recorded that song? Maybe he had a vision of the future showing him Bolton's cover, & it killed him.

  When Otis died, he went to...

• The Righteous Brothers, "Rock & Roll Heaven"
  I've vented my spleen on this song in this space before: A rock group featuring Otis Redding, Jimi Hendrix, & Bobby Darin would NOT be heavenly. The song also includes the dumbest line ever: "Remember 'Bad Bad Leroy Brown'? Jimmy touched us with that song." Ahh, yes, the tender & touching ballad about the barroom knifing of a pimp. I also think that if you're going to make a song of the wonderfulocity of rock, it should be BY A ROCK BAND, not a couple of ultrabland sweater-wearers like the Righteous Bros. It'd be like having a song praising heavy metal performed by Pat Boone.

• Pat Boone, "Holy Diver"
  Thought I was KIDDING, huh?! Yes, Pat Boone recorded a CD of metal covers, including this Dio tune (the "holy diver," according to Dio's cover art, is a priest bound in chains being drowned while Satan watches). Memorable for: Worst Concept Album Concept Ever; Pat's appearance on Space Ghost Coast to Coast trying to promote this thing (at 1 point SG says "It's fiber-licious" but, surprisingly, he's not talking about Pat's music), & a memory from the End of Days at Lechmere. This was a department store chain that I worked as record dept manager for when the CD came out. We'd been bought by I.K.I.Fwads Montgomery Ward, a group so insanely stoopit that they allowed the ORDERING for the music dept to be done by the LABEL REPS. Do you think that MCA was going to encourage them to buy music that would sell, or crap that no one could believe was even made? Every Lechmere got 1 or 2 30-CD cases of this thing. We sold NONE. The pro-Boone/pro-Satan demographic turned out to be exceedingly low. Why come out of retirement to offend the shriveled grannies who listened to your music 40 years ago? It'd be like George Martin limping out of the nursing home to release a CD of Beatles' songs recorded by tin-eared celebrities.

• George Martin, "A Hard Day's Night"
  The torture never stops, huh? If you've ever wanted to hear Jim Carrey slaughter "I Am the Walrus," or Sean Connery mumble his way through "In My Life," or hear Robin Williams sing ANYTHING, here's your cup of death. The...highlight...is still Goldie Hawn's version of this song. "I should be sleeping like a log," she says, and adds a SNORE noise. No, Goldie, you should be "dying like a dog."

• Eddie Murphy, "Party All The Time"
  Why do actors want to be singers, & singers actors? For every Sinatra or Prince that's not-horrible on screen, there's a Tony Bennett (whose acting in "The Oscar" was so leaden he appeared to be the title character), or a Vanilla Ice in "Cool As Ice." Okay, so Vanilla Ice wasn't a singer either. In fact, I just changed my mind. Eddie Murphy was the anti-Shatner. William Shatner shrieking "MR TAMBOURINE MAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!" is a memory I couldn't remove without a pipe through my brain. Eddie just sounded like he was asthmatic, & ready to pass out halfway through every stanza. He also made the lyric sound like "My girl wants to potty all the time," like she had diarrhea. No, let's make this Vanilla Ice, "Ice Ice Baby." The only thing that made the song an undeserved hit was the bit he ripped from "Under Pressure." "Oh no," said Mr Ice, 'Under Pressure' goes 'bow dow dow da dah dow dow,' mine goes 'bow dow dow da dah dow dow dow'." Uh huh. Obviously different.

• Olivia Newton John, "Physical"
  There was a period where the was no escape from this song. It was always on the radio. It was always played on the grocery store music system. If you went to pee, your tinkle played the melody & the toilet flushed the tune. At the same time, The Human League (the 1st & not-sucky version of the League) released a song called "The Black Hit of Space," about a song that "got to Number One/ Then entered minus figures...The Black hit of Space/ Sucking in the Human Race/How can it stay at the top/ When it's swallowed all the shops?" I always thought that it was about "Physical."
  Oblivia Neutron-Bomb was so good, she made a movie called "Xanadu." She was the Vanilla Ice of her time.

• "Dude look like a LAY-DEE!! Dude look like a LAY-DEE!!"

• Celine Dion & Barbra Streisand, "Our Horrible Duet"
  2 banshees from different generations of Utter Shit redefine the concept of "Duet." Here "Duet" means "Screaming Match." Half the lyrics are in English, but the rest are in Diva, a language where every word sounds like "HUWAUUGHAAAHHHAUUUGHHHOOOUUUUHHH!" Best bit: When Babs sings "whisper" & Celine echoes "WHIIIIISPAAAAAUUGGHHHHOOUHHH!" at the top of her bottomless lungs. Someone, please, maroon them on a rocky, fog-bound island, so that their melodic yowling can warn ships to not run aground on the reef.

• Sugar Ray, "That Stupid Overplayed Song that Sounds Like They're Making It Up On The Spot & They're All Stoned & It Really Sucks."
  I think that's the name.

• "The Rolling Stones, "Under My Thumb"
  People say, "You're either a Beatles fan, or a Stones fan." I would phrase it "You're either a Beatles fan, or a retard." If it came down to a battle of wits between the Beatles & the Stones, the Beatles could all leave except for Ringo & they'd still win. It wouldn't matter if it was a contest to build a rocket to Mars or to finish a game of Candyland, they'd win. The Beatles are known for creativity & musical innovation, & the Stones are known for Keith's blood transfusions. The only musically interesting thing the Stones ever did was the vibe part at the beginning of this song. So they made sure to make the lyrics a load of misogyny just to cancel that out.
  Make that "a retard with horrifying lips."

• That Guy, then 40 years later that Other Guy, "Last Kiss"
  You know the 1..."Oh where oh where can my baby be/ The Lord took her away from me." The Lord is a BASTARD! He killed that guy's girlfriend! Why isn't there a nationwide deityhunt going on for Him? Stop God before He kills again!
  I'm really not so against this song as I'm against the whole early-60s Dead Teenager Genre. So the blame really goes to the dork who decided to revive it. Look, Goth is already filling that demographic's need! All Dead Teen Genre songs suck, including the originator, "Leader of the Pack":
  The Leader hits on the girl at the candy store. I guess that there was a neighborhood watch going on at the playground.
  The girl's friends at daycare ask her "By the way, where'd you meet him?" the day after he DIES. And she tells the whole story, instead of screaming "I can't hide the tears, but I don't care! He's DEAD DEAD DEAD!"
  The sound of the Leader dying is supposed to be a crashing motorcycle, but the sound effect is more like a dump truck filled with scrap metal slamming into an M1 tank.
  "LOOK OUT LOOK OUT LOOK OOOOUUUUT!!!!" HAHAHAHA!! That always makes me laff!!

Did you enjoy that? Cool! Now forget I wrote it. I have no InExOb lined up, so with some tinkering, this may be it.

12/8

I put something here yesterday, but Geo didn't save it. Not a big deal; I was just all excited about the coming InExOb. I expanded the Bottom 12 Pop Songs list to include a truly obscure title, & was astonished to find an MP3 of it on my 1st try. So I guess that there is reason for you to look at the next 1: KINKY BOOTS!

Kill Kill sleeps part of the night with me, then gets up late to eat, play by herself, & look out the windows at dawn to see the birds. Usually she's back asleep around 7, but she didn't turn up today until 9:45. Very odd, I thought, until I woke up & discovered that the dusting of snow we were supposed to get was an inch plus with no signs of stopping. Snow is a rare sight to KK. Since I'd left no extra driving time for bad weather, I skipped shaving & took a shorter shower & hoped that I'd saved enough minutes to get to work on time. The roads were bad enough that even the classical station had a traffic report, listing the multicar accidents happening all over the state. Groovy. The 1st snow is always the worst. It used to be mainly cuz people somehow forget how to drive in the snow. They drive insanely slow, they constantly hit their brakes, they run red lights, or they make abrupt lane changes like it's a lovely day in summer. Things have been made much, much worse in recent years due to The SUV Driver Trying To Justify That Big Purchase By Driving Like a Maniac. SUVs can get through the snow, but they brake just like any other car (except for their tendency to flip & roll when their center of gravity is mildly altered).
I made it to the highway with no problem, but as soon as I got to the end of the onramp, traffic slowed to 35. C'mon, the highway's just wet! But they weren't slowing down cuz of the weather--there was a State Police car on the side of the road, & a cop dragging a large, dark bag across the breakdown & HOV lanes. And doing it as fast as he could. Huh?? That's something I've never seen before. Another mile up, there was a 2nd state cop dragging a dark bag. Damn peculiar. Something to do with the weather? But what? I passed a couple cars, then got back in the middle lane.
Less than 5 seconds later, an SUV tore through the left lane doing over 90. It was followed by TEN cop cars, with about 5 feet between each one's bumper. CT State Police, MA State Police, & at least 1 from a town 20 miles from here.
High speed pursuit in progress. The dark bags were tire-slashers.
A pair of knotheads tried to hold up a hotel room in Sturbridge, MA. Not a good choice; there's a State Police barracks right next to the highway there. When the cops tried to take them in, they responded with a few rounds from an assault rifle. The chase covered 50 miles (I was at the 35 mile mark) & had a top speed of 110 miles an hour. In a snowstorm. If I'd left that left lane 5 sconds later, it might've ended with the SUV slamming into me, or trying to pass me on the snow-covered breakdown lane, which very easily could have a led to a massive pile-up.
That would've ruined my day.
As it was, the SUV eventually hit a squad car, lightly injuring a state cop & giving a perp "slight back pain," according to the news. Oh yeah, & a million dollar bail bond.
The real question is...Why the hell would you hold up a hotel room? Drug dealer in there? I can't imagine just randomly knocking on a door & saying "Room Service!" (door opens) "Hey, I ordered coffee, not an assault rifle!" "SHUT UP & hand over the Gideon Bible & all the little soaps in the bathroom!"

Star Wars Crap (& I DOOO mean crap): The 1978 Xmas Special. Yes, I actually remember seeing this. It had like 2 stormtrooper uniforms & Art Carney. Crimeny. Yes, it's as bad as Stomp Tokyo claims. The Bleat has a link to a whole download if you have that much time on your hands & want to prove to yourself that my 20-year-old memory is right.

Remember a month or so ago, when I praised the Net for finally delivering a 24/7 source of monkey news to humanity? Guess What.

Guess what else! Cate's Garage Sale Finds has updated!

12/11

Dreary winter days are quite inspirational.
They inspire me to sleep, & then spend my whole day off inside with the cat.
If you're owned by a cat, you know that no matter how small they are, they're actually quite lo-o-o-ong. Kill Kill stretched up to full body length on her *rear paws* today, trying to eyeball the hu-man outside the ajar door, but without actually getting any nearer to said scary lifeform. My cat, the prairie dog.

I think that there's a brief line in Yellow Submarine wherein the Meanies unleash the "Kinky Boot Beasts" or such. If you've downloaded the MP3, you now know why the Pepperlanders were scared...

The Grand Moff Snardkin sent me the transcript (well...what else would he send?) of the Star Wars Holiday Special, if you don't want to do the whole download thinggie.

I love green things. I have a pot that I tried to grow a tree from seeds included on a bottle of Australian wine. It was a WATTLE!! ("This here's the wattle/It's the emblem of our Land/You can stick it in a bottle/You can hold it in your hand!" AMEN!)
Kills ate it.
Saturday in the mail the Cable Fucks--err, Cable Company--sent me a free evergreen tree. In an airtight bag. In the mail. With the warning on the bag "DO NOT FREEZE." Sat's high temp: 20.
Mr Not-Wattle was duly planted in the wattle-pot the same evening. It leans towards the window. I like to think that it's leaning towards the sun, but there ain't been no sun since it got here. Poor little tree. I wonder how many went straight into the garbage.
I hate the cable fucks.

The latest search referrers fall into categories: Words that appear in the actual News, words that occur but not in these phrases, words about booze, and nakedness. Guess which are which!

stupid canadian quotes
sublime hard lemonade
gameboy illegal cassettes shopping [huh??]
chicken head in 6 pack mcnuggets [guess he's not interested in the 4 pack heads]
echinaecia
some like it cold and slogans [huh??]
dawn wells naked [there it is again...]
jodie-foster stockings [HMMM...I think I may search for that myself!]
mayfair magazine [huh??]
nathan's hot dogs pictures
chivas regal advertising complaint
jem and the holograms video
birdseye chicken voila [AUUUGHH!!! AUUUGGHHH!!!  HATEFUL CHICKEN VOILA!!  NOOOOOO!!!!!]
mr boston brandy
password dump gummo's [huh?? to the tenth power]
sitewwwgeocitiescom perfect tits gallery

12/13

Wow, Bush got 5 whole votes for president! 4 more than Gerald Ford!

Old People Say The Darndest Things!
A really old lady gave me a 20 for her $12 bill, & said "I'd like 2 5s in change." I joked about how she wasn't going to scam me, & in explanation she said "I'm not used to shopping at night." Whatever that explained.
Earlier a really, REALLY old man repeatedly asked for the "large port by Gallo," while I repeatedly told him that they don't make the gallon size. He settled for a different port saying "I wanted the Gallo in the large size, but there isn't any" as I went up front to ring. KEE-RASH! went a bottle of Fleur du Cap, in a senseless waste of good chardonnay. He hobbled to the register & explained "I wanted the Gallo port in the large bottle, but there wasn't any. The bottle moved another bottle & it fell. I'm 93 years old, & I wanted the Gallo in the larger size but there wasn't any." Direct quote, folks. Then he drove away in a very large car.
"Officer, I wanted the Gallo, but my car pushed another car into a crowd of schoolchildren. I'm 93, by the way."

An ultraconservative co-worker's theory as to what happened in Palm Beach election day: All those Jewish seniors decided that they didn't like Bush or Gore, so they all decided to vote for the pro-Nazi Buchanan as a protest vote. Then they all lied about it the next day. I guess that if you can believe that Bush would make a good president, you can believe anything.

12/14

A coupla years ago I went to see avant-guitarist Gary Lucas perform live accompaniment to a screening of the silent film "The Golem." I signed for his mailing list, which is actual *physical mail* sent to my condo. It tends to the surreal when you get a notice telling you that Lucas is playing in Tokyo...in a WEEK. No, the name's "Bill YOUNG," not "GATES."
It became quite literally surreal today, when I got this in the mail. ARRRGGGHHH! There's STAREWICZ!!! And it's $9!! But in New York, right before the Worst Day in Liquorocity, New Years...Me no go. Maybe I'll luck out & he'll come to RAW again.

"Tom the Dancing Bug" is 1 of my fave comics, especially when it's "Super-Fun-Pak Comix." "Mixed Cliches" is brilliant, if you get it. Like my "Bush got 5 votes for president" joke, which seems to get a lot of blank stares.

Pigdog has another Xmas story contest. I'll pass this year, as A: I know nothing about Rave "Culture" & have never taken Ecstasy, & B: my entry finished 2nd to this piece of squirrel shit. You do 1 this year.