INEXPLICABLE OBJECT OF THE WEEK
Week of 9/19/99:
WEEK 75
INEXPLICABLE OBJECT INVESTIGATIVE REPORT
Hello, and welcome to a very special Inexplicable Object.
This page broke 50,000 hits last week.
I think that such an effective means of informing the public should be used for more important purposes than making fun of Godzilla lip balm.
This is the first issue of the InExOb Investigative Team.
It may be the last.
Powerful forces want to keep vital information from your hands, and from the last free source of public protest, the Internet.
For all I know, this page could be shut down in days or hours, when these forces act. Until then, here is the knowledge they want to keep from you, the informed public:
THE HAPPY MEAL TOYS THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT
For over 20 years, the McDonalds corporation has selflessly devoted themselves to the good work of ensuring that the world's children receive their recommended daily allowances of highly nutritional Bovine Growth Hormone. To this end, they have gladly donated toys to help children understand the benefits of eating rehydrated onions in a mustard/ketchup matrix.
Surprisingly, not all of these Happy Meal toys have seen the light of day. Some are test-marketed, then cancelled. Here, uncovered at the great personal risk of the InExOb I-Team, are some of these.
Man--That greasy food, it goes right through you.
McDonalds' greatest successes with Happy Meal tie-ins have been with Disney. It's likely that they would've done better with the opening of Body Wars at Disneyworld if they hadn't decided to start with the "Fun-Tastic Journey Through Your Lower Digestive Tract, hosted by your new friend, Colin the Colon" Happy Meal. Possibly the Happy Meal's game, "Help the McNugget Escape Your Lower Intestine Maze," cut down on people's mealtime enjoyment. Kids loved the "Dump & Wipe Ronald" toy, even if parents didn't. But no one liked the other toys, such as the Grimace-shaped rectal thermometer or the Shamrock Shake Enema.
"Want grubs with that?"
It seemed that no one asked for seconds on the replacement for French Fries that came with the "Magic Munchin' Maggots Meal."
The makers of Larvets insisted that the problem didn't lie with their product, but with the Happy Meal's box. On it Ronald cheerfully explained to children the Circle of Life:
"It's fun to eat the same maggots that will one day feast on your own bloated corpse! Just think! You may be eating the same worms that grew fat in the rotting eye-sockets of a famous ballplayer like Babe Ruth, a beautiful actress like Marilyn Monroe, or that gnawed through the casket and devoured the flesh of your own Grandma and Grandpa!"
Some potential Happy Meals never get past the initial planning stages. All that exists of one Meal is this cryptic photo and its name.
We may never know why McDonalds went no further with the "If You Tell Mommy What We Did, She Won't Love You Any More" Meal.
Stinging from a threatened boycott by Fundamentalist Christians one Spring after using a "Satanically-inspired pagan fertility symbol on your so-called 'Happy Meals'" (i.e., the Easter Bunny), MacDonalds tried to solve the problem the following Easter by releasing a "True Spirit of the Holiday Meal."
It made things worse.
"Oh Mayor MacCheese, why hast thou forsaken me?"
And so ends the first report of the InExOb I-Team. We're sorry if we've shattered your illusions in the name of satire. In fact, we won't upset you further by telling you how Ronald makes the Special Sauce.
Inexplicable Link of the Week
©1999 Bill Young