INEXPLICABLE OBJECT OF THE WEEK
Week of 10/15/00:
WEEK 13
KILLER JOKES
Meet Davy Crockett.
Sure, he's not very exciting looking. But do you want to say that to Davy's face? Davy shoots atomic bombs.
Not really BIG atomic bombs, of course. Little teeny weeny bombs, only the equivalent of a mere 40 tons of TNT. This is what was armed with Davy:
Yeah. In the Cold War, America used to have nuclear-armed Jeeps.
The best thing about Davy is that he shot his atomic warheads a whole one and a half miles.
A mile and a half.
That ...seems kinda close to me, it being an ATOMIC BOMB and all. Hell, a THOUSAND miles seems kinda close for an A-Bomb, no matter what size it is.
And it's a Jeep! What are you gonna say, "Hey! Lookit that fallout! Unfold the canvas roof for protection!"
Davy Crockett does have one advantage--
It never was used.
But there are equally stupid weapons that were.
(Note: These are all real)
At the beginning of World War Two, New Zealand didn't have enough tanks. Defence Minister Bob Semple had an idea:
...Put corrugated tin on the side of farm tractors, with holes for guys to shoot rifles through.
This idea might've actually worked, when the Japanese saw these things racing towards them at their top speed of 8 miles an hour. They would've been forced to retreat, after herniating themselves from laughter.
It was actually named "The Bob Semple Tank," probably because everyone wanted to know who to blame.
The British were in similiar straits back then. So they built a weapon with the fearsome name of "Beaverbrook."
This was also named after the genius that devised it, Lord Beaverbrook.
Ahh, those halcyon days before the War, when Lord Beaverbrook could take visitors to his expansive estate, and sweep his hand across the horizon and say:
"See them thar beavers in thet thar brook? Them dumb critters thinks I be their GOD! Hee-YUK!"
(I'm paraphrasing here)
The sophisticated and hi-tech weapons-delivery system that was the Beaverbrook was a civilian station wagon, with one machine gun and boiler plate riveted to the sides. Being just a regular car that now weighed an extra few tons, it could only be used on the roads. Which would make it the perfect weapon if the Nazi hordes planned on invading London by taking the M1 motorway, using waves of troops on pogo sticks and Big Wheels. The Beaverbrook would've really sucked if the Germans used, oh I dunno, let's say actual tanks. Or mountain bikes.
Maybe it's just me, but there's nothing inherently frightening about a station wagon. I can only picture them with bumper stickers that said "My Honor Student Won the Battle of Britain" or such on them.
The British desperately tried to come up with an anti-tank weapon that could be used by infantry. They tried making a bomb with a magnet, which some lucky boy would get to place on the side of an attacking tank like it was the Fridge Magnet Of Doom.
(Yeah, sign me up for that duty. I'd rather be a Beaverbrook driver.)
The problem? If the bomb was big enough to to blow up a tank, the magnet wouldn't hold it. If the magnet was strong enough to hold the bomb, the bomb was too small to blow up the tank...
They decided on making a big grenade with some sort of glue on the outside. But what kind of glue would work best?
Frantic months were spent, working around the clock, until scientists found The Ultimate Mucilage:
Pigeon Shit.
Uhh, I mean "guano." They would coat the grenade in guano, then wrap it. Guano would stick to anything! (except, I assume, the wrapping)
There was an unexpected problem with this...it worked too well.
Here is what I think an instruction manual for the never-used Pigeon Shit Bomb would've looked like:
The Fridge Magnet Bomb looks pretty good, now that I think about it...
What I hope will NOT become a regular feature on this page...
DYKEWATCH!
No, we're not becoming a porn site.This is a look at the mystery of the Big Lots celebrity spokesdemon, Jerry Van Dyke.
Check out this week's flyer:
Yeah, nice forehead action there, Jer. If those folds were any deeper, I could have sex with them.
And what's with the tiny, 3-fingered hand that seems to be growing out of his elbow?
If you're wondering what "Homelite" is...
At least we now know why he only has 3 fingers.
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©2000 Bill Young