INEXPLICABLE OBJECT OF THE WEEK
Week of 6/4/00:
WEEK 112
AKA Son of Birdclock: The Revenge.
Nothin' tacky 'bout this item. Just like there was nothin' tacky about a family I lived near as a kid. Every Xmas they made a Crucifix out of blinking Christmas lights.
It looks like Jesus H. is saying "Hey, guys! Check out this thing I can do with my head!" and the Apostles are all going "WHOA! Cool light show, dude! Like, do some lasers like they had at the Floyd concert!"
Except for Judas, who's thinking "Yeah, and I could do that, too...if I wanted!"
And that guy at the 9, who's nodded off after drinking a bit too much of the blood of Christ, if you catch my drift.
Nice spread they put out, too. 1 cup, 1 plate, and a sumptuous banquet of a roll.
How come King Arthur went on a quest for the Holy Grail, but no one's ever tried to track down the Holy Plate or the Holy Hungry Jack Biscuit?
Never to be the ones to pass up a chance to glorify God
--or make a quick buck--
we here at InExOb Industries have stepped in to crank out our own semi-worshipful clocks!
What could be more embarrassing than waking up late, only to discover that all the Righteous were taken away in the Rapture--except for sleepy-headed YOU!
It won't happen with our patented BeastAlert® Alarm Clock! When the MagikMark® 666© is displayed, it's time to do the Maranantha Mambo!
If you're not among the lucky people who tithed to Oral Roberts, then the display turns into a handy countdown of the years of misery and degradation and suffering until the Tribulation ends!
Great fun for the kiddies!
And speaking of the kids...
What child wouldn't want a MICKEY MOSES watch!
Moses (voice of Charlton Heston's grand-nephew) reads off a different Commandment every hour!
And it's the only clock that teaches your children decimal time!
And that's not all!
We here at the new Clock of Ages division will soon have many more ways to join you with your faith and seperate you from your money! Here's a couple of upcoming clocks, still in the prototype phase!
WOW! I just announced the Clock of Ages IPO, and I'm already a MILLIONAIRE!
Want to stop spoiling the child, but you've worn the rod out?
Why not remind Junior that God is an angry, vengeful God with our BIBLICAL PLAGUES CLOCK!
Every hour, on the hour, there's a different Plague to put the fear of God in them, each with its own accompanying sound effect!
- Nile Runs Red (sound of waves)
Toads (croaking frogs)
Lice (scratching)
Flies (buzzing)
Sick Livestock (moo-cows puking)
Boils (bloated pustules popping)
Hail (hail)
Locusts (swarming massively)
Blindness (people walking into walls)
Death of the First Born (croaking babies)
Scurvy (voice saying "Sure could use some Limes!")
Sparkly Rain (glitter falling)
(long pause)
Excuse me a moment, won't you?
(picks up phone)
R&D, please.
Yes, it's Bill the Splut, CEO. What's up with the Plague Clock? It's not scary at all!
(chatter on other end)
You know, the PLAGUE Clock.
The what?! PINK CAKE Clock?! How did you get PINK CAKE out of PLAGUE?! FIX IT! Or I'm coming down to R&D and making sure that there's no crack in the Coke machine!
(hangs up)
Sorry about that.
Let's look at our next new clock, which I'm told is based on everyone's favorite Bible story!
(longer pause)
Excuse me.
(picks up phone)
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! What "Bible story" is THAT?!
"The Parable of the Mocking Bobcat and the Sweaty Two-Legged Elephant at the Playground"?! LOOK, I'm pretty sure that if any of the nuns had told me THAT Bible story when I was in Catechism class, it would've BURNED ITSELF INTO MY MEMORY!
Oh, really. And exactly where in the Bible is it?
The Gospel According to...Saint Rio?
WHAT?!
SANrio?!
What the hell Bible are you people using, anyway?
(long pause)
Let me check how the IPO's going...
(long pause)
(picks up piece of cardboard, writes "Will Make Fun of Inexplicable Objects for Food" on it, and stands on streetcorner)
Inexplicable Links of the Week
Jesus Christ! Check out these Action Figures!
©2000 Bill Young